Wednesday, April 7, 2010

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
— Paulo Coelho

i wanna write something bout this later on coz now, my mood is far from good. today's just been a very bad day.

Monday, April 5, 2010

a hope...

it starts with a dream and ends with hope.

earlier this morning i got that quote from my good friend as a reply to my post last night. wasnt really paying attention for it coz my eyes was hardly opened at that time due to my advance morning wake up. after a while staring at it then i started to get some ideas why he said that to me. well, basically coz it's suitable with my post and it's kinda true after all.
i bet everyone has dream, dreams, if i may say. whether it's to get a gorgeus rich and loveable boyfriend, to have some new cars, to get branded bags next week, to watch the new released movie, to go to europe, or a simple one as to receive a call from someone you love tonight. those are all dreams, and those are where we start everything. when you have a dream, you will start to dreaming about it every now and then, and you will start thinking how to make your dreams come true. and at the end, after all your hard work and your prayer, you will hope that all your effort paid and your dreams are becoming reality.
me?i believe in dreams. in fact, im a daydreamer myself. but sometimes, in this stupid little thing called life, not all our dreams come true. maybe only 30% of it become a real thing. but the rest, it will fade away by another dreams, ripped of by dissapointment for not succeed to make it come true, or simply vanished and forgotten. but i believe, when it ends with hope, we will start the circle of dream again and again. coz when we hope, we dream a dream to come true. quite complicated but when u know it, you'll know it's true.
these days ive been dreaming bout having baby, having a steady exciting work, having finished all my grandpa's bill and so on and so on. amongst those dream, i could say that the first three i mentioned just now are the one i dream most. hmm, maybe it is now becoming hope most already. each of those dreams represent something. i wouldnt mind explaining much bout it but i just dont feel like telling all the stories behind each of my dreams at this time. maybe by then i will write more than a dictionary pages can handle. haha.
but anyway, my simplest dream now? simply to have someone which is belong only to me. undivided and unseparable. maybe coz my life now full of someone with family who come and knock my little house in d heart and stay there for a while. im a human. i think it's normal to say im tired, right?. being in my position is NEVER easy. ever!. how can it be easy when you have to sit beside someone you love but you know he belongs to someone out there. how can it be simple to hold someone's hand and feel the shape of a ring in his sweet finger on your grip knowing that the ring doesnt refer to you, it refers to someone else out there. and tell me, how can it not be complicated to hug him, kiss him while knowing that the lips and the body you've been hugged and kissed is not yours alone, it's someone else's also. *sigh*
and so i dream of that someone who will belong to me only to come and hold my heart right. i dont need a virgin, vulgary said, coz i believe noone is. i just need a true-ers. the one who admit that a girl kissed, hugged, held, owned, had him before but no more now. now it's over and he's ready to sit beside me as mine. putting aside whoever was there before me. i dont mind second hand coz we're human and we taste things. :P
only for a while, i wanna sit beside you without thinking bout her out there, i wanna hold your hand without feeling the ring in your finger, i wanna hug and kiss you without being scared that her relatives or friends might find out and report it to her. i want that. i dream that. and im on the process of hoping that.
i dont ask for perfectness coz we are all imperfect. i just ask for a savior at the end of the day.
i hope we can go out having breakfast or lunch or dinner or just a short tea break together just to feel our own little selfish time. that im yours and you're mine. today i feel it and im happy. even the tiny thing still bothers me but im happy. i can be close to you and feel you right next to me. no other.

so there's one hope i avail now. as the quote said, it ends with hope.
i should end this now too. my eyes just wont compromise me anymore and my brain's wandering around too far now that i think my writing is a bit hard to understand what i want to say. haha. see what i mean now?.

anyway, gotta go sleep.
nice rest and good nite!


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

another open eyes night

it's 11:59pm.
i still cant sleep. well, not that i have insomnia but maybe coz ive been resting for a while jz now. not that i close my eyes but well, somehow my brain has stopped functioning for few hours before so considered im done resting already.
i have exam which i couldnt afford to fail later in the morning and i lost my notes. perfect. i dont feel like studying from the manual book coz i always dislike reading those kind of books. they're too much hurting my eyes. :P
anyway, been into a conversation that once again tickles my mind. culture shock. guess i still cant get over it even till now. it still amazes me how different the culture of one people to another. and in this place, it has a level of extreme which is very high. it's like defining sky and earth. totally different. and im stuck in the middle, trying hard to step over this culture shock and accepting that each and every of us have different way of life and mind set. i wont say beliefs here coz it will bring me back to religion and i refuse to argue about that.
anyway, was thinking of adopting one culture that will fit with my wishes but cant really find one. well, guess im still an indonesian however. so whatever i do, even when it's already adopting other culture, there will still be a tiny part of indonesian mind set in me. it's in my blood, sort of.
but i do thinking of letting go all those so called culture and life my own way. though at the end, like it or not, ur culture always influencing the way you're thinking or the way you do things.
amongst all the wishes ive made and sent to God via prayer, i really want to have a baby. now it's started to bug me a lot. i couldnt find a reason why i really want to have that huge responsibility in my life when i cant even take care of my eating habit properly. but i want a baby. it's not the same as i want to have a dog or bags or gadget or whatever material thing ive been making a list about. it's totally different. it's like i want to prove myself that i am a true woman who can take the responsibility of becoming a good mother and taking care of a family. i feel like if i have baby, i can start fixing my life and start to become a real adult. not that im not that old now but im still very raw and childish inside.
that responsibility is the same thing like my mom used to take when she decided to keep me. even when everyone against her, even my own father, she still insisted to have me instead of taking a shortcut and throw me away for the sake of her study and youngster life. yeah, she hold on to me and put aside all her have fun go mad life just to be responsible of this one little baby which is me. and im proud of her.
so inspired by my very dearly mommy in heaven, u really want to be that kind of mother too.
call me crazy or call me mad, i dont care, i know what i want and i want a baby.
have to be a bit patience first to make my God believe that i can take that responsibility and give me a cute lil baby, but one day, i know God will trust me to have one. Amin.

huff, i really cant sleep and not in the mood of reading whatever material i have to study for tomorrow..err,this morning i mean. huhu

let me try to get some sleep first and see if i can put my head in a rest till morning. hoahm.
nitey nitey....

Thursday, February 25, 2010

baby moment..

Jz finished talking to my aunty n it makes me missed home so much.
miss my baby.badly.
miss waking up in d morning,sending him to school n picking up in d afternoon.
miss forcing him to shower after his short nap.
miss making another bottle of choco milk for him when he finished d one in his hand.
Miss watching tv show with him where he will sing along in between for a commercial song.
Miss dragging him to his bed after he fall asleep in my bed.
Miss going to timezone n play hockey ball.
Miss playing in d park,camwhoring and eating bakso afterwards...
Miss lifting him when he's tired roaming around,hugging him,biting his cheek and disturbing him when drinking milk.

Hmm,I wish I cud have my own baby by my side.
Sounds impossible for this moment.
Anyway,ill be having one someday.
Ill definitely wait for it!amin.

Huff..preparing for midnite shift now.dunno how to survive with my lack of sleeping.
Ganbatte vi!

Welcome to another nite without sleeping.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

dreaming puppy..

I always wanna hav a dog in d 1st place..
Big huggable dog like those in d movies (happens that I watch too much movies n get influenced a lot from it!darn..)
We were talking bout it last time..

"Are u allergic to animals?coz I wanna have a dog later on"
'Nope,no allergens,hmm I want a husky,u like?'
"I LOVE husky!specially d plain white 1..
But I always want a labrador.."
'I always want to have husky..'
"I like big2 dogs,dats why I want black lab..
But we gotta own a house 1st n settling down
Coz if we're still moving around like this
How can we manage a dog?"
'Yeah I'd love to have 1 or smewhere else"
"I wanna stay smewhere in NZ or canada,it seems great.."
'We'll see..'
"Hmm,do u really wanna have a house wth me?"
'A home is more likely'
"A home where u will always comeback home too at d end of d day"
'Wudnt I be staying there?"
"I dun think so..u hav another place to stay to n someone awaits u"
'Dun say like that,u know how hard this is rite?'
"I know that's why I didn't expect much
If u can't marry me,may I jz hav ur baby?"
'Love to hear it from u..
Ok think more,than tell me again if u really mean it ok'
"I think having dog 1st wud b a much better idea
Tho I can't wait to be a mommy.."
'Will I be d daddy?'
"Finger cross for that"

Hmm..u know I always dream a puppy. Coz when I think of a puppy I think of having my life all fixed.
Means I settle down in 1 place,and have family. Family.
This is d most I dream about. Having a complete family.
With a complete set of father mother n children plus a dog as a pet..

But that picture seems hard to come true now.
N my life r just too hard to fix rite now..
Ill jz cross my fingers for watever life takes me too.
Pray for d best. Amin

Thursday, August 20, 2009

kalau saja...

kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu akan pergi,saya akan menelpon kamu dan melarang keras seperti yang biasa saya lakukan...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu ga yakin untuk ada dalam perjalanan itu,saya pasti sudah menculik kamu untuk pulang ke bandung lagi...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu gakkan kembali ke bandung seperti yang kamu janjikan,saya pasti gakan pernah kesal beberapa hari sebelumnya saat kita chatting...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu pergi dan gakan pernah menjawab telpon saya lagi,saya pasti akan terus menelpon kamu dan sms selama setahun ini dan saya akan simpan semua pembicaraan kita tanpa dihapus...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu akan meninggalkan kita untuk selamanya,saya akan memilih untuk ada disisi kamu,untuk memeluk kamu,untuk menatap wajah polos kamu,untuk minta maaf atas kesalahan yang pernah saya lakukan,untuk say goodbye untuk yang terakhir kalinya dan untuk bilang face to face bahwa kamu adalah malaikat kecil,adik tersayang saya yang sangat cantik dan penuh energi positif yang meredam semua kenegatifan saya,yang saya sayang dari dalam lubuk hati yang terdalam,selamanya...

kalau saja saya tahu mon...
saya terus menangis,dan kehilangan,dan merasa kosong..
kalau saja 2bulan lalu saya tahu kamu akan pergi untuk selamanya,
i would not missed even 1second chance to be by yourside..

Thursday, May 28, 2009

sebuah tulisan di kala senggang

A letter for my beloved hubby…

“ darling, I love you. This is the very 1st I’d like to say.
Coz I love you and I really do from the deepest part of my heart. It’s been 20 years we’re being together. Being under one same roof, sleeping in one bed, holding hands, shouting at each other, taking care when one get sick, and support each other when one is down. I still remember 21 years ago when I first knew you. I was confused cause there was an anonymous number in my phone, lucky I took the initiative to call it and I got connected to you. Then we were calling each other and messaging. I know this is going to sound really silly but I remember precisely every long conversation we have had last time. We used to speak from 9pm till 1am and the reason why the conversation didn’t stop was because you were waiting for me to end it up and I was waiting for you to end it up. Hahaha. Funny darling and it made me miss you much last time.

I always love the way you do things differently that makes things even more special. Remember on my birthday you were being the last person to say happy birthday?. 1.10am. after a long journey of waiting the whole day for your saying. U wouldn’t believe how many times I looked at my phone hoping that every coming messages were from you or if it rang it was you calling me to wish me happy birthday. Until when I fell asleep, hopeless knowing maybe you forgot or u didn’t think it was something important, u called. And it worth the waiting, the grumping, the hoping…hearing you there laughing out loud coz u smell my hoping of you, darling it was astonishing for me.

And after all the process of getting to know each other and all, we decided to get married. Hilarious coz we never really dated or being a couple. But I believe in you. I have my faith on you. After all those years I only dreamed a wedding with my long lost love before you, then you came and take away all those dream, throwing one most beautiful hope and plant it in my brain. Ndut, I love you. Now you have been taking his place over my heart and I sincerely give it to you.
It was nothing romantic when u proposed me. No candle light dinner under a blurry sky or a huge billboard ‘will you marry me’ in the sidewalk that you painted yourself for me. Just a simple ride home where you took a longer way to elapse the time. You were holding my hand while driving. And in one corner of the street, you were pulling over the car then u unbelted yourself and turn your body over against me.

“sayang… do u love me?” (saya mengangguk).
“will u do anything for me?” (I thought of having sex at this point just so you know ndut).
“will you marry me?”

You know darling at that time I thought that I was having a dream, a very beautiful dream that I refused to wake up even if I was forced to. You. Proposed. Me. Was it really what I thought I heard or was it just another foolish joke you like to throw. But I saw your face, and I never saw that kind of look for as long as I knew you and I knew you weren’t fooling around. You were serious.
I nodded. You kissed me. A Deep sweet kiss.

It was not an end, it was a beginning and we had dozens things to do.

We have different beliefs. And it was the first thing to deal with. I cant change my beliefs and neither can you. But we both know our family wouldn’t agree with it. We both know that our family would require we got married in the same beliefs, when we couldn’t. then you decided to do something I never imagine you would do, you agree to get married in my beliefs. My way.

I cant believe you did it, I knew how big your sacrifice was and I deeply appreciated it. I promised you I would do the same thing one day, to repay you. You were always asking If I mind living a commitment with different beliefs with you.

Here’s my answer for all this long darling..

“ndut, I never mind to have different beliefs with you. To be married to you as a moslem marrying a catholic. I never mind living a life like that. I would love us to visit my families every ied and spending Christmas eve with your family. No darling, I wouldn’t mind that. You can keep your beliefs, I will never force you on that since you let me to keep mine too. I know it would be really difficult and complicated. People will comment on it, families will talk about it behind, pressure will come along and the blur fact about what we believe will one day be clear. I know it will never be easy nor simple, but I believe that we can deal with it. We can tag along well and respect each other, don’t u think so?

I know love isn’t enuff but since we have respect, loyal and a full heart of support, we can get through with this till death do us part, right darling?

I love you. That’s all u need to know and keep in your heart. Always.”

Maka hari itu. Kita menikah.

Sebuah pesta kecil yang sederhana. Undangannya hanya terdiri dari keluarga kita dan teman-teman terdekat. Gaun yang saya pakai putih, paduan dari kebaya dan gaun panjang seperti di film-film drama itu. Jalan setapak kecil di antara kursi-kursi tamu itu tampak sungguh panjang saat saya berjalan menuju so called mimbar. Tangan saya semakin dingin dan semakin erat menggenggam buket bunga dan tangan sahabat saya yang mengiringi di sebelah saya, Rina merapatkan tangannya pada saya, berusaha memberi kekuatan. Jantung saya berdetak jauh lebih cepat daripada pelari marathon. Seluruh gambaran di depan saya kabur, blur. Saya hanya berjalan. Menuju kamu. The pale look of yours showed that you were as nervous as I was. But it was getting warmer as your smile melted my heart, once again.

Di mimbar itu, altar itu, tak ada pastur yang berdiri karena pemberkatan akan dilakukan secara islam. Akad nikah berlangsung sakral. Saya tak percaya kamu melakukannya. Kamu melafalkan janji itu, syahadat itu, ijab kabul itu dengan lancar, seolah kamu sudah mengingatnya seumur hidup kamu untuk satu hari ini. I didn’t know what was happening inside my heart but my tears just wouldn’t stay still, It fell, 1 drop in both my cheek. I was happy, really happy. It felt like all the joy in the world fell upon me, and it felt wonderful. Saat kamu sudah selesai mengucapkan ijab Kabul itu, saat cincin disematkan dan saya mencium tangan kamu sebagai tanda bahwa saya akan berbakti, kamu mencium lembut kening saya dan pelan namun tegas, you said “I love you”.

Saya tidak ingat persisnya apa yang terjadi setelah itu, pesta itu, makan-makan, celotehan semua orang yang memberikan selamat, udara yang semakin panas, dan lagu-lagu manis yang band mainkan untuk kita. Saya hanya ingat saya terus tersenyum dan tersenyum dan berbahagia. Dan kamu berdiri di sebelah saya, juga tersenyum walau lelah, coz I knew you didn’t sleep last night. Setiap kali selesai berbicara pada tamu,kamu menatap saya. Kamu tersenyum, saya tak pelak ingin tersenyum lebih lebar lagi. And we were laughing at we didn’t even know what. Hahaha. Saat semua prosesi itu selesai, saat kita akhirnya bisa duduk di satu tempat dan saya bisa melepaskan high heels yang secara indah menyiksa kaki, you held my right hand, kissed it and looked straight to my eyes asking…
“are you happy?
“more than every imagination I once had ndut…this is way beyond that, apalagi pengorbanan kamu…”
“aku ga berkorban banyak, and everything worth the happiness I get from you and we’ll get after this”
“thank you..i love you”
“will always do..”

Ndut, sampai detik ini kadang saya masih tidak percaya bahwa saya menikah dengan kamu. I am married to someone I never dream of. Every morning when I wake up and seeing you still sleeping beside me, slowly snoring, I say my grace to god for sending you to my life until today. Being able to prepare a simple breakfast and coffee for you every morning, sitting down in the dining table together, reading papers and talking bout what we are planning to do today. I had my own life once and I have my another awesome once now. It’s never perfect but it suits my wanted well.

Sebuah rumah kontrakan kecil mengawali cerita kita setelah pesta itu. Kita sepakat, I have to stay at home and you will go to work although you never forbid me to keep doing things I love. Yes, I can still do all those writing work, go shopping, hang out with my besties and things I used to do before I marry you. With one condition, before you go home in the afternoon I will have to be at home again. Preparing to welcome you home. And it’s a promise I keep until now. To put my family first above anything.

Time flies, masih dan terus setiap hari kita beradaptasi satu sama lain. Dan satu hari itu, setelah hampir 8 bulan kita menikah, I felt sick. I felt unwell. It felt as if all my intestine was coming out immediately. I felt like throwing up all the time. Geez, I hate it, I felt weak and powerless. And when you took me to the doctor, she gave us the greatest news ever that time. I was pregnant. Did u know how you look like at that very moment, you wouldn’t have a clue but you were stunned. As if some stranger has come and gave you 1 million dollar right at your face. But your cry, it was more than happy, exciting, thankfull, it was out of word. There’s no word in this world that could describe a feeling like that.

Gosh, I cant believe I was having our baby, after all our waiting…..

I wrote you a note that morning after I was confirmed 6weeks pregnant.

“ndut, I’m pregnant, our baby.
Please, bear me for the next 7 and half months as I will turn into a very demanding and sensitive fatty belly gonna be mother. Aku bakal jadi jauh lebih manja, lebih keras kepala, lebih sensi, lebih nyebelin, belum lagi kalau nanti aku ngidam. Hmm, kebayang repotnya? Tapi aku janji, bakal jaga bayi ini baik-baik. Bakal ga pecicilan dan ga makan sembarangan lagi. Akhirnya, aku bisa berhenti pakai semua high heels itu. 
Are you happy for us ndut?coz I am more than it.
Please bear your pregnant wifey for a while, specially when im weak and helpless.
Will you? Xoxo”

I put that note beside your bed so when you woke up you’d realized it was there. And the next morning, I couldn’t stop smiling when I found your note on the fridge.

“you don’t have to ask yang, I will of course bear you not just for 7 and half months but forever.
Don’t think too much, just keep our baby and yourself well always.
I am more than a word could describe happy, I love you, my big belly wifey.

Ps:you’re getting prettier than ever,did you realize that? Xoxo”

My smile will widened every time I read that note that I still keep inside my drawer. Until now.

So when 9months past and that beautiful baby boy finally be born, I felt complete. sebuah harapan bahwa ternyata hidup tidak seburuk yang saya pikirkan dulu dan selalu ada yang terbaik yang diberikan Tuhan pada kita, hadiah kecil untuk tiap rasa syukur kita atas hidup. Dan saya bersyukur. Saya punya kamu, punya bayi kita Arasta, punya waktu untuk dihabiskan bersama kalian, punya kekuatan untuk tetap bersikap positif, dan kesempatan untuk terus berterima kasih pada Tuhan.

Well, cerita yang kita punya memang tidak selalu indah dan jelas tidak selalu mulus. Ada saat-saat dimana saya benci sekali sama kamu. Saya merasa kamu egois dan saat-saat dimana saya lelah menjalani semuanya. Saya selalu mengira agama akan menjadi halangan yang sangat besar dalam perjalanan kita. Tapi ternyata bukan agama yang menjadi banyaknya alasan pertengkaran kita. Ada saat-saat dimana kamu bisa jadi super romantis sedunia, walaupun saat itu tak banyak karena kamu memang bukan seseorang yang romantis. Namun ada waktu-waktu itu dimana kamu terlalu cuek sampai saya sendiri lelah menghadapi kamu.

Saya benci kalau kamu sudah mulai teralihkan perhatiannya karena hal lain sampai lupa mengabari istrimu ini kamu sedang dimana. Dan saat pulang ke rumah telat, tanpa rasa bersalah kamu datang, mencium pipi istrimu yang sudah cemberut ini lalu masuk kamar, mandi, tidur. You don’t even care that ive been waiting for you whole day and I think I deserve a story and a sorry why you’re late or at least a talking before going to bed. But hey, you just go straight to bed coz you said you’re tired. Don’t you think im tired too facing all your act like that?. Gosh, and it doesn’t just happen once. Many times. When I feel I’ve had enough I would confront you face to face. You’d say sorry and promised me you wouldn’t do that again but it happens again after a while. Haihz.

I hate you when you’re lost in game. Sitting in front of computer all day long. Don’t even look away a second. Gosh, it’s torturing me coz I don’t feel like having a husband at all. Your mom call asking us to go out, I go out and accompany her and dad and your sister to go shopping and eating. You? Still in front of computer. When I go home and bring some food for you, you stop your game, take some food, back to the computer and play the game again with food right next to you. I cant believe such things still exist when we’re already married. Okay, I understand that it’s something you like to do in your spare time. Specially after all hard work, you always say you deserve something relaxing for your day off. When we’re still good friend, I don’t care. Go ahead and spend all day with your friend playing game, but honey, I am your wife now, and as much as a good friend I am, I think I’d like to have more time with you in your spare time. Its not that I don’t understand you or I don’t give you much freedom to do what you like but things are different now and I think we both should change our habit from the time when we’re still single.

Monday to Friday, you’d be working, 9am-5pm flat. Sometimes you work late and Saturday you’d work half day. Then? All that time I will mostly be at home waiting for you. Cleaning up our house, cooking, watching tv, calling your mom and chat with her, surfing the net. Or when I go out I would just be at my besties house or having lunch or tea time with her, or I’d go out with your sister, watching movie or just hang out at some mall. Other than that all I do is just waiting for you to come home and taking care of you. Maybe sometimes when you’re going out town for business, you’ll take me with you.

But honeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy…… still alone and im damn bored if I have to be ignored again on holiday time when you’re at home but you’re not at home. You are inside your computer!!!aaarghhh!im not asking you to stop doing your hobby, I just want you to lessen it as im living with you now.

Dan sayang, saya benci banget saat setelah melahirkan, kamu sempat makin cuek dengan sekitar. Specially when arasta lagi rewel-rewelnya. Kamu sibuk dengan teman-teman kamu yang katanya reuni ini itu segala macam atau lagi-lagi, maen game. Ndut, you are a father now. I think above all you should now that maybe there are times where your family SERIOUSLY have to be put as the 1st priority. Saya tidak pernah mengeluh soal capeknya taking care of arasta dan tetap melakukan hal lain yang saya biasa lakukan dulu untuk kamu. Tugas saya bertambah, memang saya yang memutuskan untuk tidak mengambil baby sitter dan pembantu hanya pembantu pulang pergi yang membantu saya membersihkan rumah saja, tapi bukan berarti pekerjaan saya berkurang ndut. Makin banyak lagi yang harus saya kerjakan setelah ada arasta dan saya tidak meminta kamu membantu saya setiap saat, hanya saat saya merasa super lelah dan ingin istirahat sebentar, saya harap kamu bisa menghentikan apapun yang kamu lakukan yang tidak ada hubungannya dengan pekerjaan dan menggendong arasta sebentar sementara saya tidur. That’s all.

Hmm, saya sudah mulai terbawa emosi. Huhu. Yah, saya tahu perjalanan kita tidak selalu mulus, terbukti dengan semua kekesalan saya sama kamu. Jujur sayang, ada beberapa saat dimana saya ingin berhenti saja dari semuanya. Saya merasa lelah karena harus terus mengerti kamu sementara pengertian kamu entah dihabiskan kemana. Saya lelah karena harus menghadapi banyak orang sendirian dengan cincin kawin melingkar di jari manis saya dan mereka semua bertanya tentang kamu. Saya lelah marah-marah dan cemberut didepan kamu lalu menyerah sama pelukan kamu. saya lelah menyiapkan sesuatu yang spesial untuk kamu namun di ujung hari kamu ternyata tidak peduli pada semua itu.

Saya benci kamu atas semua kecuekan dan ketidak pekaan kamu terhadap apa yang saya mau. Saya benci kamu dengan game kamu. saya benci kamu yang tidak memikirkan hal lain selain apa yang kamu mau lakukan kalau sudah di rumah. Saya benci kamu karena malah mengomel saat arasta sulit tidur malam hari. Saya benci kamu karena kamu malah pergi dengan teman-teman kamu pada hari libur ketimbang menghabiskan watu dengan saya dan arasta. Hmm, saya benci kamu karena tetap saja diatas semua kebencian saya, saya sungguh mencintai kamu ndut. Karena at the end of the day, kamu selalu berbuat sesuatu yang manis untuk minta maaf, dan stok maaf saya seolah tak pernah habis untuk kamu. karena kamu sudah memberikan banyak kekuatan dan dukungan dan kasih sayang dan kejutan dan hadiah indah dan pengertian yang berlebih dan kedewasaan dan bahu untuk bersandar, tubuh untuk dipeluk, bibir untuk dicium dan perlindungan dan sebuah bayi mungil yang lucu yang kelak tumbuh dewasa menjadi seorang laki-laki seperti ayahnya, arasta dimas.

Hmm... our 20th anniversary’s coming up soon. Arasta sudah besar, duduk di bangku kuliah kini. Sudah terlewati masa-masa dimana dia menangis karena terjatuh dari sepeda, atau saat dia takut tenggelam saat belajar berenang. Dari seragam putih hijau ke putih merah ke putih biru hingga putih abu. Kita sudah melewati masa-masa dimana arasta merajuk karena ingin mainan, nilai rapor yang jelek, pacar pertama, berkelahi dengan anak laki-laki lain, gadget pertama dia dan keinginan dia untuk sekolah keluar negeri. Diantara semuanya, masih terus ada pertengkaran yang terjadi antara kita, permusuhan yang hanya terjadi tak lebih dari 15menit, kata-kata manis yang sering terlontar dari kamu, pelukan-pelukan mesra atau pegangan tangan erat di depan semua orang seolah kamu takut kehilangan saya. Kita sudah pergi ke banyak tempat, berlibur bertiga, berpindah demi pekerjaan kamu dan kembali lagi ke kota asal kita.

Sayang, terima kasih telah menjadi suami yang luar biasa, ayah yang tangguh, kakak yang ngemong, sahabat yang baik, musuh yang menegangkan, dan kekasih yang menenangkan. I love every moment I spent, spend and will spend with you. I still say grace to God for the life God has gifted to us. Diatas semua perbedaan kamu telah berbesar hati arasta mengikuti keyakinan ibunya dan kamu tetap mendukung. Saya selalu menyimpan setitik harapan, kita semua bernaung di bawah satu keyakinan yang sama, walau sulit, namun saya takkan pernah memaksa.

Terima kasih atas segala pengertian yang kamu berikan saat saya marah, kesal, sensitive, menyebalkan dan over protektif. Atas sebuah pengertian atas keinginan saya yang hanya ingin memiliki seorang anak saja. Thank you very much ndut.
Terlalu banyak yang sudah kamu lakukan untuk saya, terlalu banyak cinta dan air mata serta kebahagiaan yang masih terus berpendar dalam hati saya. Saya mencintai kamu dan saya yakin dengan segala kekuatan yang kita punya, phrase ‘till death do us part’ bukanlah hanya sebuah phrase belaka. Semoga sampai mati memisahkan kita, hingga kulit kita keriput dan tubuh mulai membungkuk dan jalan pun mulai susah. Dan cucu-cucu kita bahkan beranjak dewasa pula, saya akan tetap bisa bernapas untuk kamu ndut, I love you. Saya tak bisa mengungkapkan banyak, kamu bisa lihat sendiri ke dalam mata hati saya kan?.

Ndut, when I write this letter, I smile, I cry, I laugh remembering all those time that has passed behind. All the memories will never be replaced. It’s all an unforgettable one. Dan saya sudah kehabisan ide untuk hadiah ulang tahun pernikahan kita. hanya sebuah surprise kecil esok hari yang bisa saya beri untuk kamu. hope you know why I give it to you.

Im not a perfect wife or mami, I know. Saya mungkin sudah melakukan banyak sekali kesalahan sama kamu, and that’s how I learn to be a better wife and mother.

Perjalanan masih panjang dan pelajaran masih banyak lagi di depan kita, saya cuma minta satu hal ndut…

Never stop loving each other…

Apapun yang terjadi.

Happy 20th anniversary ndutku, dimas adi prasetyo.
dengan cinta hanya untuk kamu,

your wife.

Ps: “arasta sudah datang seminggu ini, he misses u. and I already miss you much too.” “

Saya menaruh pulpen tinta itu dan membaca kembali lembaran kertas putih yang kini penuh dengan tulisan tangan saya yang sedikit acak-acakan. Surat itu saya lipat, dimasukkan ke amplop ungu yang berbau bunga lavender itu kemudian saya beranjak ke kamar. Saat pintu geser itu terbuka, Nampak dia tetap tertidur di ranjang, tak terganggu sama sekali, Nampak nyaman dengan posisinya. Saya berjalan mendekatinya dan duduk di sebelahnya, napasnya teratur, seolah sedang tertidur pulas. Bunyi mesin EKG dengan beep-beep pelannya terus terdengar di sebelah tempat tidur. Saya merebahkan tubuh saya di dadanya. Masih terdengar detak jantungnya yang pelan itu. Detak jantung yang mengiringi hidup saya selama ini. Yang mengisi hari-hari saya dengan penuh rasa syukur. Hingga 1 tahun lalu saat kecelakaan itu membuat dia tertidur pulas tanpa ada tanda-tanda untuk bangun sejenak.

Saya menangis. Lagi. Sudah lama saya berjanji takkan menangis namun air mata itu jatuh selalu. Setelah ini, air mata ini harus berhenti, kesedihan ini harus berakhir dan segala penantian panjang serta kesakitan ini harus dihentikan. Saya menyerah. Sudah terlalu lama dia ditopang oleh mesin-mesin itu. Mungkin sudah waktunya kekasih hati saya benar-benar tidur untuk selamanya. Tenang, di sisi Tuhannya yang dia percayai hingga akhir hayatnya.

Saya bangkit duduk. Menghapus air mata saya dan menaruh surat saya tadi di sebelah bantalnya, di sebuah kotak yang berisi segala surat saya sejak setahun lalu. Yang saya harapkan dapat dibaca suatu saat nanti saat dia bangun. Kini selesai sudah. Pergilah sayang. Saya rela, saya sudah ikhlas. Esok saya akan mengucapkan selamat tinggal selamanya.

Hadiah ulang tahun kita yang ke 20, saya melepas kamu pergi ke tempat yang lebih baik.

saya mencium keningnya pelan. I love you ndut.

“mam? Dokter nunggu mami di luar buat tanda tangan persetujuan penghentian mesin penopangnya papi besok…” suara Arasta terdengar dari belakang saya. Saya berbalik. Mengangguk pelan. Arasta seolah mengerti dan berbalik meninggalkan saya lagi.

“I love him too mam…” terdengar suara arasta menjauh dari balik pintu. Saya berbalik menghadap dia lagi. Menatap wajahnya yang tenang. Entah apa yang terjadi di dalam pikiran itu. Saya tak pernah tahu karena dia tak pernah bangun untuk memberitahu saya. Saya menarik napas panjang, membungkuk dan berbisik padanya.

“till death do us part ndut, tunggu aku disana, I love you…. “.

Saya berbalik dan beranjak pergi meninggalkan kamar itu. Surprise ulang tahun yang ke 20. Saya melepaskan dia. Selamanya.