another open eyes night

it's 11:59pm.
i still cant sleep. well, not that i have insomnia but maybe coz ive been resting for a while jz now. not that i close my eyes but well, somehow my brain has stopped functioning for few hours before so considered im done resting already.
i have exam which i couldnt afford to fail later in the morning and i lost my notes. perfect. i dont feel like studying from the manual book coz i always dislike reading those kind of books. they're too much hurting my eyes. :P
anyway, been into a conversation that once again tickles my mind. culture shock. guess i still cant get over it even till now. it still amazes me how different the culture of one people to another. and in this place, it has a level of extreme which is very high. it's like defining sky and earth. totally different. and im stuck in the middle, trying hard to step over this culture shock and accepting that each and every of us have different way of life and mind set. i wont say beliefs here coz it will bring me back to religion and i refuse to argue about that.
anyway, was thinking of adopting one culture that will fit with my wishes but cant really find one. well, guess im still an indonesian however. so whatever i do, even when it's already adopting other culture, there will still be a tiny part of indonesian mind set in me. it's in my blood, sort of.
but i do thinking of letting go all those so called culture and life my own way. though at the end, like it or not, ur culture always influencing the way you're thinking or the way you do things.
huff.......
amongst all the wishes ive made and sent to God via prayer, i really want to have a baby. now it's started to bug me a lot. i couldnt find a reason why i really want to have that huge responsibility in my life when i cant even take care of my eating habit properly. but i want a baby. it's not the same as i want to have a dog or bags or gadget or whatever material thing ive been making a list about. it's totally different. it's like i want to prove myself that i am a true woman who can take the responsibility of becoming a good mother and taking care of a family. i feel like if i have baby, i can start fixing my life and start to become a real adult. not that im not that old now but im still very raw and childish inside.
that responsibility is the same thing like my mom used to take when she decided to keep me. even when everyone against her, even my own father, she still insisted to have me instead of taking a shortcut and throw me away for the sake of her study and youngster life. yeah, she hold on to me and put aside all her have fun go mad life just to be responsible of this one little baby which is me. and im proud of her.
so inspired by my very dearly mommy in heaven, u really want to be that kind of mother too.
call me crazy or call me mad, i dont care, i know what i want and i want a baby.
have to be a bit patience first to make my God believe that i can take that responsibility and give me a cute lil baby, but one day, i know God will trust me to have one. Amin.

huff, i really cant sleep and not in the mood of reading whatever material i have to study for tomorrow..err,this morning i mean. huhu

let me try to get some sleep first and see if i can put my head in a rest till morning. hoahm.
nitey nitey....