“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
— Paulo Coelho



i wanna write something bout this later on coz now, my mood is far from good. today's just been a very bad day.

a hope...

it starts with a dream and ends with hope.

earlier this morning i got that quote from my good friend as a reply to my post last night. wasnt really paying attention for it coz my eyes was hardly opened at that time due to my advance morning wake up. after a while staring at it then i started to get some ideas why he said that to me. well, basically coz it's suitable with my post and it's kinda true after all.
i bet everyone has dream, dreams, if i may say. whether it's to get a gorgeus rich and loveable boyfriend, to have some new cars, to get branded bags next week, to watch the new released movie, to go to europe, or a simple one as to receive a call from someone you love tonight. those are all dreams, and those are where we start everything. when you have a dream, you will start to dreaming about it every now and then, and you will start thinking how to make your dreams come true. and at the end, after all your hard work and your prayer, you will hope that all your effort paid and your dreams are becoming reality.
me?i believe in dreams. in fact, im a daydreamer myself. but sometimes, in this stupid little thing called life, not all our dreams come true. maybe only 30% of it become a real thing. but the rest, it will fade away by another dreams, ripped of by dissapointment for not succeed to make it come true, or simply vanished and forgotten. but i believe, when it ends with hope, we will start the circle of dream again and again. coz when we hope, we dream a dream to come true. quite complicated but when u know it, you'll know it's true.
these days ive been dreaming bout having baby, having a steady exciting work, having finished all my grandpa's bill and so on and so on. amongst those dream, i could say that the first three i mentioned just now are the one i dream most. hmm, maybe it is now becoming hope most already. each of those dreams represent something. i wouldnt mind explaining much bout it but i just dont feel like telling all the stories behind each of my dreams at this time. maybe by then i will write more than a dictionary pages can handle. haha.
but anyway, my simplest dream now? simply to have someone which is belong only to me. undivided and unseparable. maybe coz my life now full of someone with family who come and knock my little house in d heart and stay there for a while. im a human. i think it's normal to say im tired, right?. being in my position is NEVER easy. ever!. how can it be easy when you have to sit beside someone you love but you know he belongs to someone out there. how can it be simple to hold someone's hand and feel the shape of a ring in his sweet finger on your grip knowing that the ring doesnt refer to you, it refers to someone else out there. and tell me, how can it not be complicated to hug him, kiss him while knowing that the lips and the body you've been hugged and kissed is not yours alone, it's someone else's also. *sigh*
and so i dream of that someone who will belong to me only to come and hold my heart right. i dont need a virgin, vulgary said, coz i believe noone is. i just need a true-ers. the one who admit that a girl kissed, hugged, held, owned, had him before but no more now. now it's over and he's ready to sit beside me as mine. putting aside whoever was there before me. i dont mind second hand coz we're human and we taste things. :P
only for a while, i wanna sit beside you without thinking bout her out there, i wanna hold your hand without feeling the ring in your finger, i wanna hug and kiss you without being scared that her relatives or friends might find out and report it to her. i want that. i dream that. and im on the process of hoping that.
i dont ask for perfectness coz we are all imperfect. i just ask for a savior at the end of the day.
i hope we can go out having breakfast or lunch or dinner or just a short tea break together just to feel our own little selfish time. that im yours and you're mine. today i feel it and im happy. even the tiny thing still bothers me but im happy. i can be close to you and feel you right next to me. no other.

so there's one hope i avail now. as the quote said, it ends with hope.
i should end this now too. my eyes just wont compromise me anymore and my brain's wandering around too far now that i think my writing is a bit hard to understand what i want to say. haha. see what i mean now?.

anyway, gotta go sleep.
nice rest and good nite!

.eve

another open eyes night

it's 11:59pm.
i still cant sleep. well, not that i have insomnia but maybe coz ive been resting for a while jz now. not that i close my eyes but well, somehow my brain has stopped functioning for few hours before so considered im done resting already.
i have exam which i couldnt afford to fail later in the morning and i lost my notes. perfect. i dont feel like studying from the manual book coz i always dislike reading those kind of books. they're too much hurting my eyes. :P
anyway, been into a conversation that once again tickles my mind. culture shock. guess i still cant get over it even till now. it still amazes me how different the culture of one people to another. and in this place, it has a level of extreme which is very high. it's like defining sky and earth. totally different. and im stuck in the middle, trying hard to step over this culture shock and accepting that each and every of us have different way of life and mind set. i wont say beliefs here coz it will bring me back to religion and i refuse to argue about that.
anyway, was thinking of adopting one culture that will fit with my wishes but cant really find one. well, guess im still an indonesian however. so whatever i do, even when it's already adopting other culture, there will still be a tiny part of indonesian mind set in me. it's in my blood, sort of.
but i do thinking of letting go all those so called culture and life my own way. though at the end, like it or not, ur culture always influencing the way you're thinking or the way you do things.
huff.......
amongst all the wishes ive made and sent to God via prayer, i really want to have a baby. now it's started to bug me a lot. i couldnt find a reason why i really want to have that huge responsibility in my life when i cant even take care of my eating habit properly. but i want a baby. it's not the same as i want to have a dog or bags or gadget or whatever material thing ive been making a list about. it's totally different. it's like i want to prove myself that i am a true woman who can take the responsibility of becoming a good mother and taking care of a family. i feel like if i have baby, i can start fixing my life and start to become a real adult. not that im not that old now but im still very raw and childish inside.
that responsibility is the same thing like my mom used to take when she decided to keep me. even when everyone against her, even my own father, she still insisted to have me instead of taking a shortcut and throw me away for the sake of her study and youngster life. yeah, she hold on to me and put aside all her have fun go mad life just to be responsible of this one little baby which is me. and im proud of her.
so inspired by my very dearly mommy in heaven, u really want to be that kind of mother too.
call me crazy or call me mad, i dont care, i know what i want and i want a baby.
have to be a bit patience first to make my God believe that i can take that responsibility and give me a cute lil baby, but one day, i know God will trust me to have one. Amin.

huff, i really cant sleep and not in the mood of reading whatever material i have to study for tomorrow..err,this morning i mean. huhu

let me try to get some sleep first and see if i can put my head in a rest till morning. hoahm.
nitey nitey....

baby moment..

Jz finished talking to my aunty n it makes me missed home so much.
miss my baby.badly.
miss waking up in d morning,sending him to school n picking up in d afternoon.
miss forcing him to shower after his short nap.
miss making another bottle of choco milk for him when he finished d one in his hand.
Miss watching tv show with him where he will sing along in between for a commercial song.
Miss dragging him to his bed after he fall asleep in my bed.
Miss going to timezone n play hockey ball.
Miss playing in d park,camwhoring and eating bakso afterwards...
Miss lifting him when he's tired roaming around,hugging him,biting his cheek and disturbing him when drinking milk.


Hmm,I wish I cud have my own baby by my side.
Sounds impossible for this moment.
Anyway,ill be having one someday.
Ill definitely wait for it!amin.

Huff..preparing for midnite shift now.dunno how to survive with my lack of sleeping.
Ganbatte vi!

Welcome to another nite without sleeping.

dreaming puppy..

I always wanna hav a dog in d 1st place..
Big huggable dog like those in d movies (happens that I watch too much movies n get influenced a lot from it!darn..)
We were talking bout it last time..

"Are u allergic to animals?coz I wanna have a dog later on"
'Nope,no allergens,hmm I want a husky,u like?'
"I LOVE husky!specially d plain white 1..
But I always want a labrador.."
'I always want to have husky..'
"I like big2 dogs,dats why I want black lab..
But we gotta own a house 1st n settling down
Coz if we're still moving around like this
How can we manage a dog?"
'Yeah I'd love to have 1 someday..here or smewhere else"
"I wanna stay smewhere in NZ or canada,it seems great.."
'We'll see..'
"Hmm,do u really wanna have a house wth me?"
'A home is more likely'
"A home where u will always comeback home too at d end of d day"
'Wudnt I be staying there?"
"I dun think so..u hav another place to stay to n someone awaits u"
'Dun say like that,u know how hard this is rite?'
"I know that's why I didn't expect much
If u can't marry me,may I jz hav ur baby?"
'Love to hear it from u..
Ok think more,than tell me again if u really mean it ok'
"I think having dog 1st wud b a much better idea
Tho I can't wait to be a mommy.."
'Will I be d daddy?'
"Finger cross for that"

Hmm..u know I always dream a puppy. Coz when I think of a puppy I think of having my life all fixed.
Means I settle down in 1 place,and have family. Family.
This is d most I dream about. Having a complete family.
With a complete set of father mother n children plus a dog as a pet..

But that picture seems hard to come true now.
N my life r just too hard to fix rite now..
Ill jz cross my fingers for watever life takes me too.
Pray for d best. Amin