*%$#^%$@#$#^

im at the intersection of my heart,

which way should i go?
to the way there were you and me only in the dream,
to the way there were you and him without me coz im quitting my step,
to the way there were you, me, and him with nothing to hope,just to live,
or
to the way i should let you happy although it's wrong by actually letting you go?




people telling me i should be ready with whatever will happen in front,
they tell me that i should prepare myself for the worst,
they tell me to be happy,
but how can i be happy if i have to let you go?



you yourself tell me that you wanna be normal again,
but where's the effort?
how come i couldnt see it at all?
i cant let you go,
just like u cant let me go,can you?








eyereen,can you stop being a gay??

20 things i know about you..

the eyereen i know was someone:
- who has dreams up so high and always believe that 1 day he'll get it all.

- whose fully dedicated in whatever he's doing at the moment.

- who cares a lot bout his surrounding people.

- whose a hardworker to be a great achiever.

- who always tried so hard to make his family proud.

- whose people admired for everything i've mention above and for his silent charm behind his very craziest things he could do and only God knows what and why.

- whom i love to watch everytime he do his prayer before eating.

- whose hug so warm that i miss a lot.

- who smell so nice i could sense from miles away.

- whose a real wreckless driver but still insisted to drive my car
even scratch it when we go out together.

- who knows how to hold my hand right.

- whose lame on putting an end to our fight but nonetheless makes me forgive him always.

- whose so lazy to change his old messed up phone to a new 1.

- who never know how to clean up his room and always counting me on washing the dishes.

- who always makes me worried coz sometimes he likes to forget letting me know how's he doing in a different part of the world.

- whose make me willing to sacrifice more than i thought i could do.

- whom i know i don't wanna be apart from,since the day i met him though there's that he at his other part of heart.

but the eyereen i know now is someone:

- who seems to loose track from his dreams and dedication with all the hardwork he always do before.

- whose people don't seem to know much anymore though i always know everything of him always.

- but no matter what, he will always be a person i give my whole heart for.


eyereen,tell me,
do u still know u?

Down any road with you…

Eyereen,

I don’t know how to differentiate between pain and happiness now. I seriously don’t know. I don’t know when im sad or disappointed. Even worse, I don’t know when im glad or happy. Everythings so mixed up and I just don’t know anymore how to handle everything.

Eyereen,everything looks the same for me these days. I smile when im sad and cry when im happy. It’s weird,isn’t it?im both sad and happy for my life. While I could,I’d be willing to be the most miserable girl in this world. But thanks to you I always being portrayed as the happiest girl in this world. They don’t see my pain,they don’t see my tears and thankfully,they don’t see that im just faking it all.

Ive been lying now,for most of my life and to almost everyone. Ive been wearing this mask all the time just to show that everythings allright. Ive put a smile to ensure people you and me are the most perfect couple in this world. Those love songs,those sweet words,those nice picture….are they for real eyereen?

I have been putting all my effort to make this relationship works. to make you to be mine alone. But somehow I couldn’t find any selfish part of me to take you away from him. I feel worse when you cried coz you have a problem with him. I feel the deeper pain when you try to hurt yourself just because he hurt you. When ur mad,I feel even more mad. And when you ‘re sad,you wont believe how sadder I could be for you.

Eyereen,I foolishly love you.

I never regret all that I did. I never feel sorry for myself,I never feel bad. Coz I know eyereen,somehow,u know that I did all this because of you and there’s not even 1 single time where I regret myself for doing whatever ive done for you. I know you know exactly the reason why. i know you can read me,

So, ill know that you always know I love you,don’t you?

Eyereen,i cant let you go..

Not yet…

Ive prepared myself for whatever awaits me and you in front.

Im ready,

to go through any door and to go down any road with you..

Coz eyereen,as u know,

I love you.

A joyful tears,
Shyila.

An eyereen’s letter

My perfect shyila….

I know u are sick with all those words i've given to you. I know u are sick with the way thing goes at our relationship. I know u are sick hearing another sorry from my lips. But that’s the least I can do to at least trying to lighten up the burden on your shoulder.

I don’t know how u can survive with all of this. Our story, my story with him. I really don’t know. Ive lost ideas on how u can actually still stand there with your smile and comfort for me,waiting with all your prayer that ill come to you with all my heart to love you. To have only you as my lover,just like how you put me in your heart now.

shyila,im sorry,for putting you in this kind of situation. For letting your heart fall for me when I know somehow I couldn’t catch it. Im sorry that you have to know him,another love in my life. Ive seen you being so strong,i've seen you so many times putting away your ego for me.

Remember the time I was having a fight with him? You were the one who begged him to forgive me. You were also the one whose been trying to cheer me up and told me that everything was gonna be ok again between me and him. You were the one who wiped my tears though you knew those tears weren’t for you. How can you be that nice?how can you be that wise?when I know,you’re hurted by everything you tried to do for me n him. I know deep inside of you,I scratch another pain.

I love you.

I know you know I do.

I love you since the first time I saw you. I watched your smile and stunned by it. The purest smile I ever saw. And eversince,I could never let myself not watching your back till you’re gone at the corner,just to make sure you’re really ok,make sure it’s really ok to let you go. I couldn’t get you out of my sight,mind and soul. But u know that I couldn’t lose him too.

I love you shyila,

I really do.

I beg your forgiveness for loving him too.

For hurting you too much.too bad.

I never meant to.

I know it’s a waste to keep saying I love u. I know I don’t have the right to ask you to hang on there for me. Coz I can promise you nothing,I can give you nothing. Not even a simple hope that ill be there for you at the end,to fill your day with happiness and with joys that ive taken away from you all this while. I cant shyila,I don’t wanna make you have an empty hope for me.

Coz this is me.

I love you,but I love him too.

Please don’t have a doubt on how much I love you,coz I do feel what you feel.as much as you do,I love you. But those feelings are taken by him too. Again,im sorry.

Shyila,it’s so hard to let you go,It’s so hard to tell myself to just release you for a better happiness out there. Coz I know,I wouldn’t make it if not because of you. You are 1 reason why im still surviving this world. And you are also the reason why I always try to be a better person everyday.

It’s really hard,almost impossible,to let you go. But I cant just throw away him on another side. I have something with him and I have you at another side. Again and again,im sorry.

Shyila,u don’t know how much I want to see your smile everyday in my life. It’s almost kill me to know that you shed a tear. I always want you to be happy,to have those smiles,to feel those joy and to be by myside while having all of that. But I couldn’t ask for more. I don’t wanna always be the bloody bastard whose so selfish to keep you here when I know you’re unhappy bout it. I don’t wanna see you faking your smile or pretending that everything is a beautiful story when it’s not. I don’t want you to seize another pain dear. I love you.

But sayang,will u just stay there for a little more time?.this is all I can ask u to. To stand there and wait for me for another while,until im sure which way to go and which way to love. I know uve been putting a lot of hope on us. So will u just stick to your hope for a bit more time?

I promise 1 thing,when it’s about time,if it’s pain that you’ll feel at the end,I promise to take it away from you and let myself feel the pain alone as I deserve it. Let me be the painful person and not you. Coz I love you.

Again and always,I love you shyi…

Yours,

Eyereen.