happy 42nd birthday mommy....

When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away







secara ga sengaja dan jelas ga direncanakan, makam nyokap gw tepat di deket lapangan terbang a.k.a airport. jadi waktu k makam,si lagu ini suka terngiang2. even blom pernah dilepas pergi ma nyokap, but we talked, long time back. tidak di bandara seperti di dalam lagu tapi di rumah sakit. Boromeus, 23 agustus 1999. gw baru pulang sekolah, masih pake seragam putih-birunya anak es em pe. entah kenapa pengen banget deket2 nyokap. she was there, lying helpless in her bed, struggling to ease her pain. she looks beautiful as she always did. nyokap tampak lelah, tampak sakit banget. dan biasanya gue suka naro tangan gue di perut nyokap yang membesar kayak lagi hamil ( there are many times where i had wished my mom was pregnant instead of having heart cancer ).
dan gw memang naro tangan gw disana. i hated those things that grew inside my mom's belly for making her sick and painful, for giving her such a hard time even to catch a breath, and for taking her away from me at last.
gw anak kecil. SMP. masih ga ngerti soal penyakit2 itu, ga ngerti kemo itu menyakitkan, ga tau kalo dokter udah mem-vonis nyokap gue cuma bisa bertahan 3 bulan. gw ga ngerti apa2. tapi gue ga bodoh.
gue tau, waktu gw buat bareng nyokap udah tinggal itungan detik. entah kapan. tapi gue tau kalo waktu itu diibaratkan jam pasir, maka pasir yang turun udah tinggal sedikit lagi, lalu habis. dan dalam cerita ini, there's no such things as turning around the sand clock.
1 bulan lagi gw ultah. dan ga ada yang gw peduliin lebih di dunia dari ngerayain ultah dengan nyokap masih di samping gw. biarlah itu jadi ultah terakhir gw bareng nyokap, but i wanted her to be there.
"teh, bulan depan ultahnya nenk... bisa ga bertahan sampe ultah aku aj?"
silly question i know.
"ga tau ya neng, ini aja udah ga kuat, sakit bgt...."
u know what?
when she said that, i cried. heavily.
i feel like im the most selfish person in the whole universe. what d hell were u asking uv?!?!ur mom's in pain and all u can think about is having birthday.
i guess that was when i changed myself into a less selfish person. i tried to understand thet maybe it was better for her to just have an eternal sleep so that she would never feel the pain anymore. so that she didnt have to wake up every morning, struggling to survive one more day.
i gave up.
i wanted my mom to be happy, and if she thought she couldnt stand it anymore, gw rela melepas dia pulang buat selama-lamanya.
gw ga inget kejadian setelah adegan nangis2 itu. entah gue tertidur di sebelah dia dengan posisi duduk gw yang aneh atau apa, tapi gw tau pasti, sore itu, gw sudah melepaskan nyokap gw. gw dah merelakan kalau Tuhan mau manggil nyokap gw pulang. lebih dari apapun gw rela. demi ngeliat nyokap gw tenang, demi ngeliat semua penderitaan nyokap gw itu hilang, dan demi keadaan yang lebih baik buat nyokap.
gapapa gw harus kehilangan belahan jiwa gw kalo emang itu yang terbaik.


dari detik itu yang selalu tertanam di otak gue adalah, melepaskan itu bukan perkara yang mudah, cenderung sangat sulit malah, namun saat kita bisa ngalahin ego kita yang ingin terus mempertahankan apa yang kita mau dengan melepaskan demi kebaikan semua pihak, kita bakal sadar di ujung hari bahwa melepaskan tidaklah selalu buruk. ia hanya sangat menyakitkan, namun yang terbaik tak pernah datang dengan cara yang kita inginkan, bukan?

25 august 1999.
mom finally passed away. menghembuskan nafas terakhir. shock?iya, tapi gw sudah cukup siap. dan saat gw ngliat wajahnya buat yang terakhir kali, she's in peace. beautiful and calm. kayak orang tidur, hanya ga ada hembusan nafas lagi.
did i cried? badly. but i stop. coz i know crying wont get her back to me, so i cry inside but i smile outside. shapes me till now.




dan hari ini...
tepat 42 tahun yang lalu, my mom was born.
and if she had been here, she would had been 42 years old.
but she's gone. 10 years ago.
i cant believe it's already been 10 years. and still, everytime i go to her grave to pray, lagunya sherina-andai aku tlah dewasa dan lagu ini masih slalu terngiang2.



mom,
i just wanna say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
i know ur now in a much better place, i know ur happy there and ur looking down at me all the time. i cant be someone i wish i could be for u yet, but im going to be that person 1 day mom. that's a promised!
i cant wish u anymore coz my only wish would always be for u to have an endering eternal live and till we meet again in heaven 1 day...
i love u, i always do.


im much stronger now mom, i do all u taught me last time.
i miss u. every second in my life.
and everytime i look at the mirror, i see u in me. and i miss u more.




God, i know ur listening to me, please, keep my mom save and sound right by your side. give her the happiness she miss in the world and when the time's come, let me be at her side again. to hug her, to kiss her, and to not let her go ever again.
thank u dear God.











happy birthday mom,i love u!
will visit u soon at ur grave,k....