shyi2eye

2010-04-07T08:36:00.000-07:00

“In love, no one can harm anyone else; we are each of us responsible for our own feelings and cannot blame someone else for what we feel. It hurt when I lost each of the various men I fell in love with. Now, though, I am convinced that no one loses anyone, because no one owns anyone. That is the true experience of freedom: having the most important thing in the world without owning it.”
— Paulo Coelho

i wanna write something bout this later on coz now, my mood is far from good. today's just been a very bad day.

a hope...

2010-04-05T11:23:00.000-07:00

it starts with a dream and ends with hope.

earlier this morning i got that quote from my good friend as a reply to my post last night. wasnt really paying attention for it coz my eyes was hardly opened at that time due to my advance morning wake up. after a while staring at it then i started to get some ideas why he said that to me. well, basically coz it's suitable with my post and it's kinda true after all.
i bet everyone has dream, dreams, if i may say. whether it's to get a gorgeus rich and loveable boyfriend, to have some new cars, to get branded bags next week, to watch the new released movie, to go to europe, or a simple one as to receive a call from someone you love tonight. those are all dreams, and those are where we start everything. when you have a dream, you will start to dreaming about it every now and then, and you will start thinking how to make your dreams come true. and at the end, after all your hard work and your prayer, you will hope that all your effort paid and your dreams are becoming reality.
me?i believe in dreams. in fact, im a daydreamer myself. but sometimes, in this stupid little thing called life, not all our dreams come true. maybe only 30% of it become a real thing. but the rest, it will fade away by another dreams, ripped of by dissapointment for not succeed to make it come true, or simply vanished and forgotten. but i believe, when it ends with hope, we will start the circle of dream again and again. coz when we hope, we dream a dream to come true. quite complicated but when u know it, you'll know it's true.
these days ive been dreaming bout having baby, having a steady exciting work, having finished all my grandpa's bill and so on and so on. amongst those dream, i could say that the first three i mentioned just now are the one i dream most. hmm, maybe it is now becoming hope most already. each of those dreams represent something. i wouldnt mind explaining much bout it but i just dont feel like telling all the stories behind each of my dreams at this time. maybe by then i will write more than a dictionary pages can handle. haha.
but anyway, my simplest dream now? simply to have someone which is belong only to me. undivided and unseparable. maybe coz my life now full of someone with family who come and knock my little house in d heart and stay there for a while. im a human. i think it's normal to say im tired, right?. being in my position is NEVER easy. ever!. how can it be easy when you have to sit beside someone you love but you know he belongs to someone out there. how can it be simple to hold someone's hand and feel the shape of a ring in his sweet finger on your grip knowing that the ring doesnt refer to you, it refers to someone else out there. and tell me, how can it not be complicated to hug him, kiss him while knowing that the lips and the body you've been hugged and kissed is not yours alone, it's someone else's also. *sigh*
and so i dream of that someone who will belong to me only to come and hold my heart right. i dont need a virgin, vulgary said, coz i believe noone is. i just need a true-ers. the one who admit that a girl kissed, hugged, held, owned, had him before but no more now. now it's over and he's ready to sit beside me as mine. putting aside whoever was there before me. i dont mind second hand coz we're human and we taste things. :P
only for a while, i wanna sit beside you without thinking bout her out there, i wanna hold your hand without feeling the ring in your finger, i wanna hug and kiss you without being scared that her relatives or friends might find out and report it to her. i want that. i dream that. and im on the process of hoping that.
i dont ask for perfectness coz we are all imperfect. i just ask for a savior at the end of the day.
i hope we can go out having breakfast or lunch or dinner or just a short tea break together just to feel our own little selfish time. that im yours and you're mine. today i feel it and im happy. even the tiny thing still bothers me but im happy. i can be close to you and feel you right next to me. no other.

so there's one hope i avail now. as the quote said, it ends with hope.
i should end this now too. my eyes just wont compromise me anymore and my brain's wandering around too far now that i think my writing is a bit hard to understand what i want to say. haha. see what i mean now?.

anyway, gotta go sleep.
nice rest and good nite!

.eve

another open eyes night

2010-03-24T13:59:00.000-07:00

it's 11:59pm.
i still cant sleep. well, not that i have insomnia but maybe coz ive been resting for a while jz now. not that i close my eyes but well, somehow my brain has stopped functioning for few hours before so considered im done resting already.
i have exam which i couldnt afford to fail later in the morning and i lost my notes. perfect. i dont feel like studying from the manual book coz i always dislike reading those kind of books. they're too much hurting my eyes. :P
anyway, been into a conversation that once again tickles my mind. culture shock. guess i still cant get over it even till now. it still amazes me how different the culture of one people to another. and in this place, it has a level of extreme which is very high. it's like defining sky and earth. totally different. and im stuck in the middle, trying hard to step over this culture shock and accepting that each and every of us have different way of life and mind set. i wont say beliefs here coz it will bring me back to religion and i refuse to argue about that.
anyway, was thinking of adopting one culture that will fit with my wishes but cant really find one. well, guess im still an indonesian however. so whatever i do, even when it's already adopting other culture, there will still be a tiny part of indonesian mind set in me. it's in my blood, sort of.
but i do thinking of letting go all those so called culture and life my own way. though at the end, like it or not, ur culture always influencing the way you're thinking or the way you do things.
huff.......
amongst all the wishes ive made and sent to God via prayer, i really want to have a baby. now it's started to bug me a lot. i couldnt find a reason why i really want to have that huge responsibility in my life when i cant even take care of my eating habit properly. but i want a baby. it's not the same as i want to have a dog or bags or gadget or whatever material thing ive been making a list about. it's totally different. it's like i want to prove myself that i am a true woman who can take the responsibility of becoming a good mother and taking care of a family. i feel like if i have baby, i can start fixing my life and start to become a real adult. not that im not that old now but im still very raw and childish inside.
that responsibility is the same thing like my mom used to take when she decided to keep me. even when everyone against her, even my own father, she still insisted to have me instead of taking a shortcut and throw me away for the sake of her study and youngster life. yeah, she hold on to me and put aside all her have fun go mad life just to be responsible of this one little baby which is me. and im proud of her.
so inspired by my very dearly mommy in heaven, u really want to be that kind of mother too.
call me crazy or call me mad, i dont care, i know what i want and i want a baby.
have to be a bit patience first to make my God believe that i can take that responsibility and give me a cute lil baby, but one day, i know God will trust me to have one. Amin.

huff, i really cant sleep and not in the mood of reading whatever material i have to study for tomorrow..err,this morning i mean. huhu

let me try to get some sleep first and see if i can put my head in a rest till morning. hoahm.
nitey nitey....

baby moment..

2010-02-25T05:15:00.000-08:00

Jz finished talking to my aunty n it makes me missed home so much.
miss my baby.badly.
miss waking up in d morning,sending him to school n picking up in d afternoon.
miss forcing him to shower after his short nap.
miss making another bottle of choco milk for him when he finished d one in his hand.
Miss watching tv show with him where he will sing along in between for a commercial song.
Miss dragging him to his bed after he fall asleep in my bed.
Miss going to timezone n play hockey ball.
Miss playing in d park,camwhoring and eating bakso afterwards...
Miss lifting him when he's tired roaming around,hugging him,biting his cheek and disturbing him when drinking milk.

Hmm,I wish I cud have my own baby by my side.
Sounds impossible for this moment.
Anyway,ill be having one someday.
Ill definitely wait for it!amin.

Huff..preparing for midnite shift now.dunno how to survive with my lack of sleeping.
Ganbatte vi!

Welcome to another nite without sleeping.

dreaming puppy..

2010-02-24T20:49:00.000-08:00

I always wanna hav a dog in d 1st place..
Big huggable dog like those in d movies (happens that I watch too much movies n get influenced a lot from it!darn..)
We were talking bout it last time..

"Are u allergic to animals?coz I wanna have a dog later on"
'Nope,no allergens,hmm I want a husky,u like?'
"I LOVE husky!specially d plain white 1..
But I always want a labrador.."
'I always want to have husky..'
"I like big2 dogs,dats why I want black lab..
But we gotta own a house 1st n settling down
Coz if we're still moving around like this
How can we manage a dog?"
'Yeah I'd love to have 1 someday..here or smewhere else"
"I wanna stay smewhere in NZ or canada,it seems great.."
'We'll see..'
"Hmm,do u really wanna have a house wth me?"
'A home is more likely'
"A home where u will always comeback home too at d end of d day"
'Wudnt I be staying there?"
"I dun think so..u hav another place to stay to n someone awaits u"
'Dun say like that,u know how hard this is rite?'
"I know that's why I didn't expect much
If u can't marry me,may I jz hav ur baby?"
'Love to hear it from u..
Ok think more,than tell me again if u really mean it ok'
"I think having dog 1st wud b a much better idea
Tho I can't wait to be a mommy.."
'Will I be d daddy?'
"Finger cross for that"

Hmm..u know I always dream a puppy. Coz when I think of a puppy I think of having my life all fixed.
Means I settle down in 1 place,and have family. Family.
This is d most I dream about. Having a complete family.
With a complete set of father mother n children plus a dog as a pet..

But that picture seems hard to come true now.
N my life r just too hard to fix rite now..
Ill jz cross my fingers for watever life takes me too.
Pray for d best. Amin

kalau saja...

2009-08-20T14:29:00.000-07:00

kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu akan pergi,saya akan menelpon kamu dan melarang keras seperti yang biasa saya lakukan...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu ga yakin untuk ada dalam perjalanan itu,saya pasti sudah menculik kamu untuk pulang ke bandung lagi...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu gakkan kembali ke bandung seperti yang kamu janjikan,saya pasti gakan pernah kesal beberapa hari sebelumnya saat kita chatting...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu pergi dan gakan pernah menjawab telpon saya lagi,saya pasti akan terus menelpon kamu dan sms selama setahun ini dan saya akan simpan semua pembicaraan kita tanpa dihapus...
kalau saja saya tahu,hari itu kamu akan meninggalkan kita untuk selamanya,saya akan memilih untuk ada disisi kamu,untuk memeluk kamu,untuk menatap wajah polos kamu,untuk minta maaf atas kesalahan yang pernah saya lakukan,untuk say goodbye untuk yang terakhir kalinya dan untuk bilang face to face bahwa kamu adalah malaikat kecil,adik tersayang saya yang sangat cantik dan penuh energi positif yang meredam semua kenegatifan saya,yang saya sayang dari dalam lubuk hati yang terdalam,selamanya...

kalau saja saya tahu mon...
saya terus menangis,dan kehilangan,dan merasa kosong..
kalau saja 2bulan lalu saya tahu kamu akan pergi untuk selamanya,
i would not missed even 1second chance to be by yourside..

sebuah tulisan di kala senggang

2009-05-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

A letter for my beloved hubby…

“ darling, I love you. This is the very 1st I’d like to say.
Coz I love you and I really do from the deepest part of my heart. It’s been 20 years we’re being together. Being under one same roof, sleeping in one bed, holding hands, shouting at each other, taking care when one get sick, and support each other when one is down. I still remember 21 years ago when I first knew you. I was confused cause there was an anonymous number in my phone, lucky I took the initiative to call it and I got connected to you. Then we were calling each other and messaging. I know this is going to sound really silly but I remember precisely every long conversation we have had last time. We used to speak from 9pm till 1am and the reason why the conversation didn’t stop was because you were waiting for me to end it up and I was waiting for you to end it up. Hahaha. Funny darling and it made me miss you much last time.

I always love the way you do things differently that makes things even more special. Remember on my birthday you were being the last person to say happy birthday?. 1.10am. after a long journey of waiting the whole day for your saying. U wouldn’t believe how many times I looked at my phone hoping that every coming messages were from you or if it rang it was you calling me to wish me happy birthday. Until when I fell asleep, hopeless knowing maybe you forgot or u didn’t think it was something important, u called. And it worth the waiting, the grumping, the hoping…hearing you there laughing out loud coz u smell my hoping of you, darling it was astonishing for me.

And after all the process of getting to know each other and all, we decided to get married. Hilarious coz we never really dated or being a couple. But I believe in you. I have my faith on you. After all those years I only dreamed a wedding with my long lost love before you, then you came and take away all those dream, throwing one most beautiful hope and plant it in my brain. Ndut, I love you. Now you have been taking his place over my heart and I sincerely give it to you.
It was nothing romantic when u proposed me. No candle light dinner under a blurry sky or a huge billboard ‘will you marry me’ in the sidewalk that you painted yourself for me. Just a simple ride home where you took a longer way to elapse the time. You were holding my hand while driving. And in one corner of the street, you were pulling over the car then u unbelted yourself and turn your body over against me.

“sayang… do u love me?” (saya mengangguk).
“will u do anything for me?” (I thought of having sex at this point just so you know ndut).
“will you marry me?”

You know darling at that time I thought that I was having a dream, a very beautiful dream that I refused to wake up even if I was forced to. You. Proposed. Me. Was it really what I thought I heard or was it just another foolish joke you like to throw. But I saw your face, and I never saw that kind of look for as long as I knew you and I knew you weren’t fooling around. You were serious.
I nodded. You kissed me. A Deep sweet kiss.

It was not an end, it was a beginning and we had dozens things to do.

We have different beliefs. And it was the first thing to deal with. I cant change my beliefs and neither can you. But we both know our family wouldn’t agree with it. We both know that our family would require we got married in the same beliefs, when we couldn’t. then you decided to do something I never imagine you would do, you agree to get married in my beliefs. My way.

I cant believe you did it, I knew how big your sacrifice was and I deeply appreciated it. I promised you I would do the same thing one day, to repay you. You were always asking If I mind living a commitment with different beliefs with you.

Here’s my answer for all this long darling..

“ndut, I never mind to have different beliefs with you. To be married to you as a moslem marrying a catholic. I never mind living a life like that. I would love us to visit my families every ied and spending Christmas eve with your family. No darling, I wouldn’t mind that. You can keep your beliefs, I will never force you on that since you let me to keep mine too. I know it would be really difficult and complicated. People will comment on it, families will talk about it behind, pressure will come along and the blur fact about what we believe will one day be clear. I know it will never be easy nor simple, but I believe that we can deal with it. We can tag along well and respect each other, don’t u think so?

I know love isn’t enuff but since we have respect, loyal and a full heart of support, we can get through with this till death do us part, right darling?

I love you. That’s all u need to know and keep in your heart. Always.”

Maka hari itu. Kita menikah.

Sebuah pesta kecil yang sederhana. Undangannya hanya terdiri dari keluarga kita dan teman-teman terdekat. Gaun yang saya pakai putih, paduan dari kebaya dan gaun panjang seperti di film-film drama itu. Jalan setapak kecil di antara kursi-kursi tamu itu tampak sungguh panjang saat saya berjalan menuju so called mimbar. Tangan saya semakin dingin dan semakin erat menggenggam buket bunga dan tangan sahabat saya yang mengiringi di sebelah saya, Rina merapatkan tangannya pada saya, berusaha memberi kekuatan. Jantung saya berdetak jauh lebih cepat daripada pelari marathon. Seluruh gambaran di depan saya kabur, blur. Saya hanya berjalan. Menuju kamu. The pale look of yours showed that you were as nervous as I was. But it was getting warmer as your smile melted my heart, once again.

Di mimbar itu, altar itu, tak ada pastur yang berdiri karena pemberkatan akan dilakukan secara islam. Akad nikah berlangsung sakral. Saya tak percaya kamu melakukannya. Kamu melafalkan janji itu, syahadat itu, ijab kabul itu dengan lancar, seolah kamu sudah mengingatnya seumur hidup kamu untuk satu hari ini. I didn’t know what was happening inside my heart but my tears just wouldn’t stay still, It fell, 1 drop in both my cheek. I was happy, really happy. It felt like all the joy in the world fell upon me, and it felt wonderful. Saat kamu sudah selesai mengucapkan ijab Kabul itu, saat cincin disematkan dan saya mencium tangan kamu sebagai tanda bahwa saya akan berbakti, kamu mencium lembut kening saya dan pelan namun tegas, you said “I love you”.

Saya tidak ingat persisnya apa yang terjadi setelah itu, pesta itu, makan-makan, celotehan semua orang yang memberikan selamat, udara yang semakin panas, dan lagu-lagu manis yang band mainkan untuk kita. Saya hanya ingat saya terus tersenyum dan tersenyum dan berbahagia. Dan kamu berdiri di sebelah saya, juga tersenyum walau lelah, coz I knew you didn’t sleep last night. Setiap kali selesai berbicara pada tamu,kamu menatap saya. Kamu tersenyum, saya tak pelak ingin tersenyum lebih lebar lagi. And we were laughing at we didn’t even know what. Hahaha. Saat semua prosesi itu selesai, saat kita akhirnya bisa duduk di satu tempat dan saya bisa melepaskan high heels yang secara indah menyiksa kaki, you held my right hand, kissed it and looked straight to my eyes asking…
“are you happy?
“more than every imagination I once had ndut…this is way beyond that, apalagi pengorbanan kamu…”
“aku ga berkorban banyak, and everything worth the happiness I get from you and we’ll get after this”
“thank you..i love you”
“will always do..”

Ndut, sampai detik ini kadang saya masih tidak percaya bahwa saya menikah dengan kamu. I am married to someone I never dream of. Every morning when I wake up and seeing you still sleeping beside me, slowly snoring, I say my grace to god for sending you to my life until today. Being able to prepare a simple breakfast and coffee for you every morning, sitting down in the dining table together, reading papers and talking bout what we are planning to do today. I had my own life once and I have my another awesome once now. It’s never perfect but it suits my wanted well.

Sebuah rumah kontrakan kecil mengawali cerita kita setelah pesta itu. Kita sepakat, I have to stay at home and you will go to work although you never forbid me to keep doing things I love. Yes, I can still do all those writing work, go shopping, hang out with my besties and things I used to do before I marry you. With one condition, before you go home in the afternoon I will have to be at home again. Preparing to welcome you home. And it’s a promise I keep until now. To put my family first above anything.

Time flies, masih dan terus setiap hari kita beradaptasi satu sama lain. Dan satu hari itu, setelah hampir 8 bulan kita menikah, I felt sick. I felt unwell. It felt as if all my intestine was coming out immediately. I felt like throwing up all the time. Geez, I hate it, I felt weak and powerless. And when you took me to the doctor, she gave us the greatest news ever that time. I was pregnant. Did u know how you look like at that very moment, you wouldn’t have a clue but you were stunned. As if some stranger has come and gave you 1 million dollar right at your face. But your cry, it was more than happy, exciting, thankfull, it was out of word. There’s no word in this world that could describe a feeling like that.

Gosh, I cant believe I was having our baby, after all our waiting…..

I wrote you a note that morning after I was confirmed 6weeks pregnant.

“ndut, I’m pregnant, our baby.
Please, bear me for the next 7 and half months as I will turn into a very demanding and sensitive fatty belly gonna be mother. Aku bakal jadi jauh lebih manja, lebih keras kepala, lebih sensi, lebih nyebelin, belum lagi kalau nanti aku ngidam. Hmm, kebayang repotnya? Tapi aku janji, bakal jaga bayi ini baik-baik. Bakal ga pecicilan dan ga makan sembarangan lagi. Akhirnya, aku bisa berhenti pakai semua high heels itu. 
Are you happy for us ndut?coz I am more than it.
Please bear your pregnant wifey for a while, specially when im weak and helpless.
Will you? Xoxo”

I put that note beside your bed so when you woke up you’d realized it was there. And the next morning, I couldn’t stop smiling when I found your note on the fridge.

“you don’t have to ask yang, I will of course bear you not just for 7 and half months but forever.
Don’t think too much, just keep our baby and yourself well always.
I am more than a word could describe happy, I love you, my big belly wifey.

Ps:you’re getting prettier than ever,did you realize that? Xoxo”

My smile will widened every time I read that note that I still keep inside my drawer. Until now.

So when 9months past and that beautiful baby boy finally be born, I felt complete. sebuah harapan bahwa ternyata hidup tidak seburuk yang saya pikirkan dulu dan selalu ada yang terbaik yang diberikan Tuhan pada kita, hadiah kecil untuk tiap rasa syukur kita atas hidup. Dan saya bersyukur. Saya punya kamu, punya bayi kita Arasta, punya waktu untuk dihabiskan bersama kalian, punya kekuatan untuk tetap bersikap positif, dan kesempatan untuk terus berterima kasih pada Tuhan.

Well, cerita yang kita punya memang tidak selalu indah dan jelas tidak selalu mulus. Ada saat-saat dimana saya benci sekali sama kamu. Saya merasa kamu egois dan saat-saat dimana saya lelah menjalani semuanya. Saya selalu mengira agama akan menjadi halangan yang sangat besar dalam perjalanan kita. Tapi ternyata bukan agama yang menjadi banyaknya alasan pertengkaran kita. Ada saat-saat dimana kamu bisa jadi super romantis sedunia, walaupun saat itu tak banyak karena kamu memang bukan seseorang yang romantis. Namun ada waktu-waktu itu dimana kamu terlalu cuek sampai saya sendiri lelah menghadapi kamu.

Saya benci kalau kamu sudah mulai teralihkan perhatiannya karena hal lain sampai lupa mengabari istrimu ini kamu sedang dimana. Dan saat pulang ke rumah telat, tanpa rasa bersalah kamu datang, mencium pipi istrimu yang sudah cemberut ini lalu masuk kamar, mandi, tidur. You don’t even care that ive been waiting for you whole day and I think I deserve a story and a sorry why you’re late or at least a talking before going to bed. But hey, you just go straight to bed coz you said you’re tired. Don’t you think im tired too facing all your act like that?. Gosh, and it doesn’t just happen once. Many times. When I feel I’ve had enough I would confront you face to face. You’d say sorry and promised me you wouldn’t do that again but it happens again after a while. Haihz.

I hate you when you’re lost in game. Sitting in front of computer all day long. Don’t even look away a second. Gosh, it’s torturing me coz I don’t feel like having a husband at all. Your mom call asking us to go out, I go out and accompany her and dad and your sister to go shopping and eating. You? Still in front of computer. When I go home and bring some food for you, you stop your game, take some food, back to the computer and play the game again with food right next to you. I cant believe such things still exist when we’re already married. Okay, I understand that it’s something you like to do in your spare time. Specially after all hard work, you always say you deserve something relaxing for your day off. When we’re still good friend, I don’t care. Go ahead and spend all day with your friend playing game, but honey, I am your wife now, and as much as a good friend I am, I think I’d like to have more time with you in your spare time. Its not that I don’t understand you or I don’t give you much freedom to do what you like but things are different now and I think we both should change our habit from the time when we’re still single.

Monday to Friday, you’d be working, 9am-5pm flat. Sometimes you work late and Saturday you’d work half day. Then? All that time I will mostly be at home waiting for you. Cleaning up our house, cooking, watching tv, calling your mom and chat with her, surfing the net. Or when I go out I would just be at my besties house or having lunch or tea time with her, or I’d go out with your sister, watching movie or just hang out at some mall. Other than that all I do is just waiting for you to come home and taking care of you. Maybe sometimes when you’re going out town for business, you’ll take me with you.

But honeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyy……..im still alone and im damn bored if I have to be ignored again on holiday time when you’re at home but you’re not at home. You are inside your computer!!!aaarghhh!im not asking you to stop doing your hobby, I just want you to lessen it as im living with you now.

Dan sayang, saya benci banget saat setelah melahirkan, kamu sempat makin cuek dengan sekitar. Specially when arasta lagi rewel-rewelnya. Kamu sibuk dengan teman-teman kamu yang katanya reuni ini itu segala macam atau lagi-lagi, maen game. Ndut, you are a father now. I think above all you should now that maybe there are times where your family SERIOUSLY have to be put as the 1st priority. Saya tidak pernah mengeluh soal capeknya taking care of arasta dan tetap melakukan hal lain yang saya biasa lakukan dulu untuk kamu. Tugas saya bertambah, memang saya yang memutuskan untuk tidak mengambil baby sitter dan pembantu hanya pembantu pulang pergi yang membantu saya membersihkan rumah saja, tapi bukan berarti pekerjaan saya berkurang ndut. Makin banyak lagi yang harus saya kerjakan setelah ada arasta dan saya tidak meminta kamu membantu saya setiap saat, hanya saat saya merasa super lelah dan ingin istirahat sebentar, saya harap kamu bisa menghentikan apapun yang kamu lakukan yang tidak ada hubungannya dengan pekerjaan dan menggendong arasta sebentar sementara saya tidur. That’s all.

Hmm, saya sudah mulai terbawa emosi. Huhu. Yah, saya tahu perjalanan kita tidak selalu mulus, terbukti dengan semua kekesalan saya sama kamu. Jujur sayang, ada beberapa saat dimana saya ingin berhenti saja dari semuanya. Saya merasa lelah karena harus terus mengerti kamu sementara pengertian kamu entah dihabiskan kemana. Saya lelah karena harus menghadapi banyak orang sendirian dengan cincin kawin melingkar di jari manis saya dan mereka semua bertanya tentang kamu. Saya lelah marah-marah dan cemberut didepan kamu lalu menyerah sama pelukan kamu. saya lelah menyiapkan sesuatu yang spesial untuk kamu namun di ujung hari kamu ternyata tidak peduli pada semua itu.

Saya benci kamu atas semua kecuekan dan ketidak pekaan kamu terhadap apa yang saya mau. Saya benci kamu dengan game kamu. saya benci kamu yang tidak memikirkan hal lain selain apa yang kamu mau lakukan kalau sudah di rumah. Saya benci kamu karena malah mengomel saat arasta sulit tidur malam hari. Saya benci kamu karena kamu malah pergi dengan teman-teman kamu pada hari libur ketimbang menghabiskan watu dengan saya dan arasta. Hmm, saya benci kamu karena tetap saja diatas semua kebencian saya, saya sungguh mencintai kamu ndut. Karena at the end of the day, kamu selalu berbuat sesuatu yang manis untuk minta maaf, dan stok maaf saya seolah tak pernah habis untuk kamu. karena kamu sudah memberikan banyak kekuatan dan dukungan dan kasih sayang dan kejutan dan hadiah indah dan pengertian yang berlebih dan kedewasaan dan bahu untuk bersandar, tubuh untuk dipeluk, bibir untuk dicium dan perlindungan dan sebuah bayi mungil yang lucu yang kelak tumbuh dewasa menjadi seorang laki-laki seperti ayahnya, arasta dimas.

Hmm... our 20th anniversary’s coming up soon. Arasta sudah besar, duduk di bangku kuliah kini. Sudah terlewati masa-masa dimana dia menangis karena terjatuh dari sepeda, atau saat dia takut tenggelam saat belajar berenang. Dari seragam putih hijau ke putih merah ke putih biru hingga putih abu. Kita sudah melewati masa-masa dimana arasta merajuk karena ingin mainan, nilai rapor yang jelek, pacar pertama, berkelahi dengan anak laki-laki lain, gadget pertama dia dan keinginan dia untuk sekolah keluar negeri. Diantara semuanya, masih terus ada pertengkaran yang terjadi antara kita, permusuhan yang hanya terjadi tak lebih dari 15menit, kata-kata manis yang sering terlontar dari kamu, pelukan-pelukan mesra atau pegangan tangan erat di depan semua orang seolah kamu takut kehilangan saya. Kita sudah pergi ke banyak tempat, berlibur bertiga, berpindah demi pekerjaan kamu dan kembali lagi ke kota asal kita.

Sayang, terima kasih telah menjadi suami yang luar biasa, ayah yang tangguh, kakak yang ngemong, sahabat yang baik, musuh yang menegangkan, dan kekasih yang menenangkan. I love every moment I spent, spend and will spend with you. I still say grace to God for the life God has gifted to us. Diatas semua perbedaan kamu telah berbesar hati arasta mengikuti keyakinan ibunya dan kamu tetap mendukung. Saya selalu menyimpan setitik harapan, kita semua bernaung di bawah satu keyakinan yang sama, walau sulit, namun saya takkan pernah memaksa.

Terima kasih atas segala pengertian yang kamu berikan saat saya marah, kesal, sensitive, menyebalkan dan over protektif. Atas sebuah pengertian atas keinginan saya yang hanya ingin memiliki seorang anak saja. Thank you very much ndut.
Terlalu banyak yang sudah kamu lakukan untuk saya, terlalu banyak cinta dan air mata serta kebahagiaan yang masih terus berpendar dalam hati saya. Saya mencintai kamu dan saya yakin dengan segala kekuatan yang kita punya, phrase ‘till death do us part’ bukanlah hanya sebuah phrase belaka. Semoga sampai mati memisahkan kita, hingga kulit kita keriput dan tubuh mulai membungkuk dan jalan pun mulai susah. Dan cucu-cucu kita bahkan beranjak dewasa pula, saya akan tetap bisa bernapas untuk kamu ndut, I love you. Saya tak bisa mengungkapkan banyak, kamu bisa lihat sendiri ke dalam mata hati saya kan?.

Ndut, when I write this letter, I smile, I cry, I laugh remembering all those time that has passed behind. All the memories will never be replaced. It’s all an unforgettable one. Dan saya sudah kehabisan ide untuk hadiah ulang tahun pernikahan kita. hanya sebuah surprise kecil esok hari yang bisa saya beri untuk kamu. hope you know why I give it to you.

Im not a perfect wife or mami, I know. Saya mungkin sudah melakukan banyak sekali kesalahan sama kamu, and that’s how I learn to be a better wife and mother.

Perjalanan masih panjang dan pelajaran masih banyak lagi di depan kita, saya cuma minta satu hal ndut…

Never stop loving each other…

Apapun yang terjadi.

Happy 20th anniversary ndutku, dimas adi prasetyo.
dengan cinta hanya untuk kamu,

your wife.

Ps: “arasta sudah datang seminggu ini, he misses u. and I already miss you much too.” “

Saya menaruh pulpen tinta itu dan membaca kembali lembaran kertas putih yang kini penuh dengan tulisan tangan saya yang sedikit acak-acakan. Surat itu saya lipat, dimasukkan ke amplop ungu yang berbau bunga lavender itu kemudian saya beranjak ke kamar. Saat pintu geser itu terbuka, Nampak dia tetap tertidur di ranjang, tak terganggu sama sekali, Nampak nyaman dengan posisinya. Saya berjalan mendekatinya dan duduk di sebelahnya, napasnya teratur, seolah sedang tertidur pulas. Bunyi mesin EKG dengan beep-beep pelannya terus terdengar di sebelah tempat tidur. Saya merebahkan tubuh saya di dadanya. Masih terdengar detak jantungnya yang pelan itu. Detak jantung yang mengiringi hidup saya selama ini. Yang mengisi hari-hari saya dengan penuh rasa syukur. Hingga 1 tahun lalu saat kecelakaan itu membuat dia tertidur pulas tanpa ada tanda-tanda untuk bangun sejenak.

Saya menangis. Lagi. Sudah lama saya berjanji takkan menangis namun air mata itu jatuh selalu. Setelah ini, air mata ini harus berhenti, kesedihan ini harus berakhir dan segala penantian panjang serta kesakitan ini harus dihentikan. Saya menyerah. Sudah terlalu lama dia ditopang oleh mesin-mesin itu. Mungkin sudah waktunya kekasih hati saya benar-benar tidur untuk selamanya. Tenang, di sisi Tuhannya yang dia percayai hingga akhir hayatnya.

Saya bangkit duduk. Menghapus air mata saya dan menaruh surat saya tadi di sebelah bantalnya, di sebuah kotak yang berisi segala surat saya sejak setahun lalu. Yang saya harapkan dapat dibaca suatu saat nanti saat dia bangun. Kini selesai sudah. Pergilah sayang. Saya rela, saya sudah ikhlas. Esok saya akan mengucapkan selamat tinggal selamanya.

Hadiah ulang tahun kita yang ke 20, saya melepas kamu pergi ke tempat yang lebih baik.

saya mencium keningnya pelan. I love you ndut.

“mam? Dokter nunggu mami di luar buat tanda tangan persetujuan penghentian mesin penopangnya papi besok…” suara Arasta terdengar dari belakang saya. Saya berbalik. Mengangguk pelan. Arasta seolah mengerti dan berbalik meninggalkan saya lagi.

“I love him too mam…” terdengar suara arasta menjauh dari balik pintu. Saya berbalik menghadap dia lagi. Menatap wajahnya yang tenang. Entah apa yang terjadi di dalam pikiran itu. Saya tak pernah tahu karena dia tak pernah bangun untuk memberitahu saya. Saya menarik napas panjang, membungkuk dan berbisik padanya.

“till death do us part ndut, tunggu aku disana, I love you…. “.

Saya berbalik dan beranjak pergi meninggalkan kamar itu. Surprise ulang tahun yang ke 20. Saya melepaskan dia. Selamanya.

happy 42nd birthday mommy....

2009-04-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

When will you be home?" she asks
as we watch the planes take off
We both know we have no clear answer to where my dreams may lead
She's watched me as i crawled and stumbled
As a child, she was my world
And now to let me go, I know she bleeds
and yet she says to me

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

Autumn leaves fell into spring time and
SIlver-painted hair
Daddy called one evening saying
"We need you. Please come back"
When I saw her laying in her bed
Fragile as a child
Pale just like an angel taking flight
I held her as I cried

You can fly so high
Keep your gaze upon the sky
I'll be prayin every step along the way
Even though it breaks my heart to know we'll be so far apart
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away
ohh...
I love you too much to make you stay
Baby fly away

secara ga sengaja dan jelas ga direncanakan, makam nyokap gw tepat di deket lapangan terbang a.k.a airport. jadi waktu k makam,si lagu ini suka terngiang2. even blom pernah dilepas pergi ma nyokap, but we talked, long time back. tidak di bandara seperti di dalam lagu tapi di rumah sakit. Boromeus, 23 agustus 1999. gw baru pulang sekolah, masih pake seragam putih-birunya anak es em pe. entah kenapa pengen banget deket2 nyokap. she was there, lying helpless in her bed, struggling to ease her pain. she looks beautiful as she always did. nyokap tampak lelah, tampak sakit banget. dan biasanya gue suka naro tangan gue di perut nyokap yang membesar kayak lagi hamil ( there are many times where i had wished my mom was pregnant instead of having heart cancer ).
dan gw memang naro tangan gw disana. i hated those things that grew inside my mom's belly for making her sick and painful, for giving her such a hard time even to catch a breath, and for taking her away from me at last.
gw anak kecil. SMP. masih ga ngerti soal penyakit2 itu, ga ngerti kemo itu menyakitkan, ga tau kalo dokter udah mem-vonis nyokap gue cuma bisa bertahan 3 bulan. gw ga ngerti apa2. tapi gue ga bodoh.
gue tau, waktu gw buat bareng nyokap udah tinggal itungan detik. entah kapan. tapi gue tau kalo waktu itu diibaratkan jam pasir, maka pasir yang turun udah tinggal sedikit lagi, lalu habis. dan dalam cerita ini, there's no such things as turning around the sand clock.
1 bulan lagi gw ultah. dan ga ada yang gw peduliin lebih di dunia dari ngerayain ultah dengan nyokap masih di samping gw. biarlah itu jadi ultah terakhir gw bareng nyokap, but i wanted her to be there.
"teh, bulan depan ultahnya nenk... bisa ga bertahan sampe ultah aku aj?"
silly question i know.
"ga tau ya neng, ini aja udah ga kuat, sakit bgt...."
u know what?
when she said that, i cried. heavily.
i feel like im the most selfish person in the whole universe. what d hell were u asking uv?!?!ur mom's in pain and all u can think about is having birthday.
i guess that was when i changed myself into a less selfish person. i tried to understand thet maybe it was better for her to just have an eternal sleep so that she would never feel the pain anymore. so that she didnt have to wake up every morning, struggling to survive one more day.
i gave up.
i wanted my mom to be happy, and if she thought she couldnt stand it anymore, gw rela melepas dia pulang buat selama-lamanya.
gw ga inget kejadian setelah adegan nangis2 itu. entah gue tertidur di sebelah dia dengan posisi duduk gw yang aneh atau apa, tapi gw tau pasti, sore itu, gw sudah melepaskan nyokap gw. gw dah merelakan kalau Tuhan mau manggil nyokap gw pulang. lebih dari apapun gw rela. demi ngeliat nyokap gw tenang, demi ngeliat semua penderitaan nyokap gw itu hilang, dan demi keadaan yang lebih baik buat nyokap.
gapapa gw harus kehilangan belahan jiwa gw kalo emang itu yang terbaik.

dari detik itu yang selalu tertanam di otak gue adalah, melepaskan itu bukan perkara yang mudah, cenderung sangat sulit malah, namun saat kita bisa ngalahin ego kita yang ingin terus mempertahankan apa yang kita mau dengan melepaskan demi kebaikan semua pihak, kita bakal sadar di ujung hari bahwa melepaskan tidaklah selalu buruk. ia hanya sangat menyakitkan, namun yang terbaik tak pernah datang dengan cara yang kita inginkan, bukan?

25 august 1999.
mom finally passed away. menghembuskan nafas terakhir. shock?iya, tapi gw sudah cukup siap. dan saat gw ngliat wajahnya buat yang terakhir kali, she's in peace. beautiful and calm. kayak orang tidur, hanya ga ada hembusan nafas lagi.
did i cried? badly. but i stop. coz i know crying wont get her back to me, so i cry inside but i smile outside. shapes me till now.

dan hari ini...
tepat 42 tahun yang lalu, my mom was born.
and if she had been here, she would had been 42 years old.
but she's gone. 10 years ago.
i cant believe it's already been 10 years. and still, everytime i go to her grave to pray, lagunya sherina-andai aku tlah dewasa dan lagu ini masih slalu terngiang2.

mom,
i just wanna say
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
i know ur now in a much better place, i know ur happy there and ur looking down at me all the time. i cant be someone i wish i could be for u yet, but im going to be that person 1 day mom. that's a promised!
i cant wish u anymore coz my only wish would always be for u to have an endering eternal live and till we meet again in heaven 1 day...
i love u, i always do.

im much stronger now mom, i do all u taught me last time.
i miss u. every second in my life.
and everytime i look at the mirror, i see u in me. and i miss u more.

God, i know ur listening to me, please, keep my mom save and sound right by your side. give her the happiness she miss in the world and when the time's come, let me be at her side again. to hug her, to kiss her, and to not let her go ever again.
thank u dear God.

happy birthday mom,i love u!
will visit u soon at ur grave,k....

april fool...

2009-04-13T04:03:00.000-07:00

hmm,bulan ini maw dijadiin mother's month ah..

being mean...

2009-02-18T06:38:00.000-08:00

owkay..
setelah smua cerita mewek2 gue (buat emon,qyu,teh kay,teh piet,mona,dea,timmy ma aci thanks for listening and putting up with me! :) ) akhirnya gue kembali ke asal niyh. dingin dan diam. kebas. yang parah, sorry to say everytime i got hurted, gue selalu berubah jadi jauh lebih jahat. jadi ga pedulian, ga mikirin perasaan orang (kcuali bwt org2 tertentu yg gak mungkin gue sakitin), masa bodo ma apa yang orang mau lakuin dan blablabla sgala macem yang if u know me then ull know how mean i can be. hahaha.

hmm,dah berlalu niyh ma cha,udah nyerah,whateverlah terserah dia. pas akhirnya bisa move on n ketemu abang, i thought it wud be a new start, a new one for me.
but hey,menimbang keadaan skrg, nampaknya semua akan berakhir kembali dengan cara yang sama.. mengabang di laut lepas.

ada apa dengan orang2 diluar sana siyh yg suka banget ngambangin orang dan ga ngasih kepastian atas sesuatu?!?! emang loe pikir enak keadaan kyk gini? it's fuckin torturing man!!! tapi yasudlah ya,klo kmrn2 mungkin gue bakal peduli banget sampe dipikirin kyk orang gila. tapi skrg, gue dah nyerah cing, terserahlah mau loe apa. ge udah mengusahakan semampu gue buat yang terbaik dan klo loe ternyata ga ngerasa nyaman dengan hal itu then, screw u lah. ill just take u as someone who cant appreciate what other people has willingly do for u.

hmm,kangen mama...

dah saatnya buat bilang, im totally ok,living my perfect life,chasing my dreams,doing things i wanna do,making friends with whoever i like, im single and very happy. hahaha

miss u mom!

.......

2009-02-12T01:08:00.000-08:00

hmm...
abang tuh beneran?ato cuma bakal berakhir kayak kejadian kmrn lg?
r u for real?!?
i dont dare to hold any hope yet i feel wrong to be numb.

-siklus tidur terganggu dan masih takut berfikir jauh-

.......

2009-02-08T17:55:00.002-08:00

"td sbnrnya pgn blg,brhrp tau kmu bkl jd k bdg,
bs ktmlah even bntr..bs maen aja,seneng2 kyk kmrn..
urm,mgkn kmu mikirny lebay tp v cm pgn blg m.u.
jgn brubah y..take care!" 05/02/09. 7.00pm

,cara halus bilang 'udah,enuff,bye!'.saya sdh memutuskan untk mengalah dan membiarkan dia bertindak sekeinginan dia aj. silent n still,sdh berakhir.
time to start a new story.

ingin hilang ingatan.

2009-02-08T17:43:00.000-08:00

be gone from my life.
get lost from this broken pieces of heart.
your presence is torturing me,
let me be with myself all alone.

go,leave to her upon the distance
she who has everything in hand.
take all d' fun as much as u like,
let me be here all by myself

a thought of amnesia crosses my mind,
to forget everything.
and i run as fast as i can,
to forget u who has turned sight to somebody else.

at this exact place,u give life back to the memories,
those i shud've forgotten and destroyed its existence.

im here, tired,give up and feeling blue.
i need to get rid of those memories.

untitled

2009-02-04T05:47:00.001-08:00

"1jam saja ku telah bisa sayangi kamu dihatiku namun bagiku melupakanmu butuh waktuku seumur hidup" "gw lebay,tp gw serius kangen cha!loe msh ga nyaman?msh jengah?salah gw apa?sekali aj,gw mohon pikirin prasaan gw.."

Dia.

2009-02-04T02:26:00.000-08:00

saya merindukannya.dia yang disana.yang memegang tangan saya dengan tepat.yang memeluk saya dengan baik.yang mengecup saya tiba-tiba dengan lembut.saya kangen dia.saya mendapatinya dalam mimpi saya.saya menemukan bayangannya ketika saya membuka mata,setiap saya terdiam,dalam lamunan dan di balik segala harapan.dia ada. namun dia tak lagi bisa saya harapkan.dia tak lagi ada untuk saya inginkan. dia menghilang. dan saya kangen dia. saya masih berharap setiap sms yg masuk mungkin dari dia.setiap saya menghubunginya smoga dia sedang baik-baik saja sehingga kita bisa bicara seperti biasa. tapi semua orang berkata dia sudah pergi,dan orang lain datang mencoba menggantikannya. saya gak mau.saya mau kamu!kamu tau itu ga? maaf,saya gak menginginkan orang itu,saya ingin dia. cha,kmu bs baca ini?saya mau kamu,bukan orang itu.

A numb morning..

2009-02-02T03:22:00.000-08:00

Bangun pagi...
i feel numb.seolah rasa itu sudah pergi.namun aku tahu,dia masih disana.luka itu masih ada,nyata.menganga seperti goresan silet pada lapisan kulit.rasanya masih sama.kecewa.berusaha untuk melupakan semuanya,namun sulit seperti biasa.terasa kebas.tak terasa apa-apa lagi.menyerah sudah.kini yang bisa dilakukan hanya mundur.kembali ke hidup yang lampau.yang dingin,yang membekukan hati.hati itu telah beku lagi.bahkan lebih.mungkin kini yang bisa melelehkannya hanya hati itu sendiri.lelah dan kalah.masih saja kecewa.masih berharap walau kemudian kecewa kembali.terus seperti itu.apa yang terjadi disana hatiku?sudah begini sajakah?jengah!aku benci kata itu!aku benci jadi bodoh lagi,aku benci harus berharap,aku benci memilih orang yang salah,aku benci merasa. im numb.i need to get drunk to forgive.coz i aint gonna shed any tears no more.its enuff.i feel numb.selamat pagi hujan........

Saya..

2009-01-27T21:08:00.000-08:00

"i like it when someone hold my hand,makes me feel safe coz i know someone's there to guard me.."

"saya lebih suka dipeluk,utk tahu keberadaanny,utk yakin ada yg masih peduli,sayang dan mau ngejaga saya.Hanya memeluk.Ga lebih.Sebuah pelukan hangat."

Saying goodbye..

2009-01-26T22:59:00.000-08:00

"it's my last day to be here.
setelah ini..
You remain here and im somewhere else.
kembali ke dunia masing2.
it's over now,is it?
ga tau harus ngomong apa..
or how to imagine what will happen to us later.
Udah waktuny pergi..
should i say goodbye?!?
makasii yaa..
until we meet again."

aah..capeeeeee!!!

2009-01-19T04:37:00.000-08:00

huff..
cape!!akhir2 ni suka lelah ga jelas gtu. haha
very less money since a lot of things came up and more things come up again,waiting just right around the corner. haihz.

pengen ngeluh,ngomel,menyeng2, aah..sgala macem dah!huhu
pengen emo, lebay buat hal2 ga penting, sensi buat berita2 aneh.
kangen ber-emoing ria dyeh. haha
kapan yaa terakhir gue emo??

hmmpff.

dalem hati gue udah super depressed berat berarti. cuma hati ngirim sinyal ke otak untuk tetap bikin tubuh gue tetep kayak biasa. tetep senyum, tetep becanda, tetep gila, tetep baik2 saja keliatannya. but deep down inside, level depressed gue udah mendekati ambang batas kali. kayak tanggul yang hampir jebol.
tapi seperti biasa, ga ada pilihan lain selain bersabar.

emon bilang cinta.
itu judul sonetrin of the day.

I Luv My Baby!!!!

2009-01-15T19:50:00.000-08:00

been spending time with my little baby most of the time lately. hanging out, playing, fetching and picking him up of school, showering, soccer-ing and b;la bla bla. kinda feline love with him now. feels like always wanna be beside him. well, he's a part of me however. anyway, here's some of my narcissm pics me n my adorable a fi..
wuf u so dear!mmuach!

a fi's peeking smile..

i wuf my baby!! (not so baby anymore tho.. :P)

cutey a fi!

peace yo!

up up high babe!

a night to remember!

2008-12-31T18:34:00.000-08:00

Welcome 2009!!!

finally it's 2009 already, the buffalo year (is it?haha).

was really exciting for this new year. New Year, New Life, New stories and definitely must be New Person as well. not really that new since i Love who I am already but i think i wanna change the way my heart works this year. i wanna wash away the old pain specially caused by my deary ex-besties, thinking positive ahead and start believing that miracles do happen in its own misterious way and that life has already had its own path for everyone. so im pretty much exciting bout this new year, hopefully this is a great start and this year will be a great one.

anyway, as always, celebrating new years eve only means more food to consume and to fattening me even more!, more drinks to get you drunk, ice cream!, stupid games with of course even more weirdo punishment, FIREWORKS and above all that, a time to sit and talk and decide what kind of new year's resolution we'd like to have for this year.

location: qyu's place ( where else could we be beside here,where things are cheaper and freedom to do lunatic acts even when mum's is around!haha basecamp of the dream man!u should come and hang out. we're having soft opening soon....)

mother elephant, big old bear, tiny lil monkey, fatty panda.

owh, i decide to put the same pic as my blog main frame up there, so that everyone know how i love my animal famz so much! :) nothing better than elephant, bear, panda and monkey sitting together and having those penetration chat all night long. haha.

so our new year's eve journey was started from 5pm. where we started to make those pudding and fla plus a very yummy pancake.

it's a bit blur but the thing that dea makes is the pudding soon to be.

since idil is a GUY so we decided to use his manpower to stir the adonan instead of using mixer that we dont have.

u'll need fresh milk and flour plus 3 awesome gals to create a blasting pancake!haha

desert was done!then we continue to the main course. these instant chefs decided to make pasta2 for the night. spaghetti and penne are really delicious.

tomato sauce yumm!hey, mba ta has arrived!!

penne with meaty...hmm,human meat is the best!haha it's red and fleshy...

this is the very fresh from the open result from the awesomely cute instant chefs.

Roof time!!!

animaly famz..

animaliez in pahlawan bertopeng mode!or in thai dancer mode?ah,whatever..we're in crazee mode definitely!haha

bonbin gank bank member baru pulang dugem dari zook club tepat diatas qyu's club.
guess where?!?!

in the end, new year always leads us to an obligation of creating a resolution. me myself is totally clueless about it. well,im not a well planned person as usual, but this year is special, at least i wanna make it special.
so here are things i managed to squeeze ot from my head.

New Years resolution:
.berbakti (sama Tuhan, Kakek.....udah deh kayaknya.)
.have a new life! too many details on this but working with a paying salary is the simple desription of it.
.move on! no more unforgiveness pain unless the dhedeyn one,ok i mite not move on easily on this.
.get that particular desire of having boyfriend or at least someone to be serious with. man,am i that pathetic?i want a desire and not the person yet. shit, ive been frozen too long already to even have the intention to have bf!

okay,so after eating, drinking too much, sending idil home and a long way journey with people peeing freely at the sidewalk (yucks!), me, qyu, dea having this stupid pillow conversation. it was supposed to be a heart to heart convy, but it was already near 4am and all our eyes were just really heavy that we even talked with our eyes closed. i forgot what was the whole conversation about, i rememberedthat fatty qyu slept first then i couldnt tahan myself to sleep too and i think dea is the last. she still mumbling bout something im not sure what. hehe.

i think, so far this new year is great, not too many people at last, the less the sexier remember? :P
gonna miss this kinda thing so much after this, coz i believe this year, each of us will be separated in ways and distance. and this kinda thing might be difficult to do in the future. however, i know oe thing for sure, my heart, qyu's heart, dea's heart, none of it will change the way we feel about each other no matter what. there will be time where we wont be seeing each other too much anymore but our heart bounded always. im sure we're gonna miss qyu's house, the birthdays we usually celebrated together, the chat and laugh and tears and everything w used to do together. the sitting down in one place talking bout how our life has change and how we want to be a much better person, the gossip about those freakin idiot people, specially those time where we try really hard to meet even just for 5 minutes coz we realize that it's been too long yet it's just 1 day ago we met and we miss each other too much already.

there are just too much stories too tell for this almost 5 years we've been together. 5 years!and it's already feel like forever. people come and go, stories tell and told. SHIT!im crying now and i know i wont be able to stop it.
having the thought of me leaving here anytime soon is freakin sad. it's been a TOTAL BLESS to meet them. 2 souls to mate mine.

one day, when we all move on an distance is bent in front of us, ill be crying again knowing i miss those sad and joy moment very much!!
and in the end...
here's us..

the final three musketeers!
only with them i can faithfully say BESTFRIEND FOREVER.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!

it's morning and dea left home already, and u know what?i miss last nite so much now. i miss 'em already and though i know how stupid it is, I wish one day we will never grown apart and nothing will change from what we have now. it's a promise.

here's a song that stuck in my head lately and i wanna dedicate this song for those mate of mine..

See the sunrise
Know it's time for us to pack up all the past
And find what truly lasts
If everything has been written, so why worry, we say
It's you and me with a little left of sanity
If life is ever changing, so why worry, we say
It's still you and I with silly smile as we wave goodbye
And how will it be? Sometimes we just can't see
A neighbor, a lover, a joker
Or a friend you can count on forever?
How happy, how tragic, how sorry?
The sun's still up and life remains a mystery
So, would it be nice to sit back in silence?
Despite all the wisdom and the fantasies
Having you close to my heart as I say a little grace
I'm thankful for this moment cause
I know that you

Grow a day older and see how this sentimental fool can be
When she tires to write a birthday song
When she thinks so hard to make your day
When she's getting lost in all her thoughts
When she waits a whole day to say...
"I'm thankful for this moment cause I know that I
Grow a day older and see how this sentimental fool can be
When he ache his arms to hold me tight
When he picks up lines to make me laugh
Whan he's getting lost in all his calls
When we can't wait to say : "I love you'."

If everything has been written down, so why worry, we say
It's you and me with a little left of sanity

anyway,
HAPPY NEW YEAR 2009 everyone!
may this year brings many new hopes and better things in life ahead. amin!
semangat!
:)

confession of a frozen gal...

2008-12-30T09:56:00.000-08:00

"... Rasakan semua, demikian pinta sang hati.
amarah atau asmara, kasih atau pedih,
segalanya indah jika memang
tepat pada waktunya.
dan inilah hatiku,
pada dini hari yang hening.
bening. apa adanya." peluk-dee,rectoverso.

berasa hati gue aja yang berbicara.
sedih. ga sesedih itu siyh. tapi sedih. huhu.
ada sebuah penjabaran sedih yang ga bisa gue rangkai dengan kata-kata.
terlalu kompleks dan terlalu buram.
entah di sisi sebelah mana gue berada.
it's been months i never counted again myself since the last time i feline love.
how does it feel anyway?
emon sent me that baron song to remind me that feline love is beautiful, dont be afraid to fall again. well, i appreciate his effort to remind me how ive been very cold nowadays but im not afraid to fall, or too stupid not to realize that love is beautiful. i just havent get the chance to feel it again. not just yet.
then why am i feeling blue today?

'Once in a dream, I saw you telling me
That you've traveled in the dark
Just to find that little spot
How you'd settle for a light
In the vastness of the night
Then I saw some tears were coming from you eyes
As you said you'd found your paradise
And I began to ask you : why you have to cry ?

And now, it's so dreamlike I hear you telling me
It's been such a perfect grace; it's been such a perfect place
To be in my heart at last, and have angels singing you a song
As you see the tears are falling from my eyes
When you say I am your paradise
You smile and ask me: Why I have to cry ?

It's a journey, you say, an illusion of a journey
Now you can't see where it ends and where it starts
It's our life and our love that you wish to have,
where you wish to be
In this tiny spark of memory, mortality
What's left for me to do is to welcome you home
Back to my heart, back to heaven's light
Back to my heart, and we're never apart

And it's time for me to say goodbye to those eyes
To let you go so sleeplike and hear you whisper;
Why we have to cry?

It's a journey, you say, an illusion of a journey
Now you can't see where it ends and where it starts
It's our life and our love that you wish to have,
Where you wish to be
In this tiny spark of memory, mortality
What's left for me to do is to welcome you home
Back to my heart, back to heaven's light
Back to my heart, and we're never apart
And we're never apart'

it's sad to hear a tale where a guy tells a girl the reason why he broke up with the girl's bestfriend in the past. the he told her that it was his darkest moment, where he cried over the girl's bestfriend whose his ex-gf for 1 whole year, alone in sorrow. and there the girl, sitting beside him, listening to the story. the guy doesnt know that the girl likes him. like and not love. there's no jealousy the girl have in her heart. she realizes that she's a friend for him. but isn't everything starts from friendship first?. so she still listens to the guy's stories. on how his sorrow is. she felt a blank page is opened in her heart, she doesnt know what to feel, how to feel. she doesnt feel jealous, but somehow she's sad, she's scared, she's confused. the stories she listens to is about someone she know, someone close to her. and the person telling that stories is someone she likes now. although she knows that both the guy and her bestfriend has already get over everything they had before and moving on with their life, but she still feel that sadness. she's unsure if she wants to continue fight for him.

and when i listen to the story, i feel sad too. i couldnt imagine how to be in her position. must be damn sad, and frustating.
shit, emo-ing is the last thing i need now but it seriously sadden me.
the song above, hit me in the heart too.

be strong lovely girl,
if u decided not to fight for him anymore, dont stop believing in love like me,ok?
if u decided to keep ur fighting, have a little faith that whatever happen later, there's always a good reason for it. chayou ne!

haihz. okay then, now it's time to really wake up and say a very good morning to all.new years spirit in the go and let's start enjoying today!
counting down to midnite of 2009....

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE!

hunting day!

2008-12-30T04:07:00.000-08:00

shopping time!!!!
that's what i can screamed out loud bout today. counting down 1 more day to new year's eve, we gotta prepare and buy some stuff for tomorrow. still blur at first on how many person will be joining along. yeah,people say the more the merrier, but in our part, the less the sexier. haha. u gotta play sexy since 2009 is just in front of your door, waiting to be opened.

anyway..today is the day where i had my earliest wake up for the whole year at qyu's house. i promised dimas to have dimsum together and dimsum here is only served at morning. u know when he said morning i thought it would be around 9 or 10 o clock, but apparently his morning is literally morning where it only counts till 9 o'clock the latest. and so he woke me up by calling me in the morning. several miss called untill i finally answered it and got my arse off the bed. he called me at 7.30am man! what do u expect?!?! that's still my dreaming time. haha. i went to eastern with him. nice place, nice food. finally!i can eat dim sum here in bandung!!!!so happy!
been missing malay's dim sum for quite time and im craving over it. and today, i paid straight my crave. love the seaweed roll so much!tho it's not as cheap as malay one and it's not as variate as in malay plus you will have to race with people to get those dimsum u really want from the cart (since we're sitting a bit in the middle where it's always too late for us to get what we want from the cart that we have to ordered it by ourself. lessons to learn:u wanna eat dimsum?sit in the outside row of table dear!), it's still nice tho. so we ate, talked, laughed, ate, and paid the bill. im happy to be able to meet him today. been a while.

anyway, after that makan-makan time, i rushed back home, changed clothes, wrote our shopping list and chao to ciwalk. i actually promised my cousin to karaokeing at 1pm. but what to say. late is one of our middle name. so we started at 2. supposedly we took a small room that can count till 6 person. but it was full booked till 6pm so we decided to take the large room. imagine u having a room where 12 person can fit in but there's only 5 of u there. 3 of u so to say at first. freakin lots of room to fill in right?! tried to call some of my friends but too late already. so there we were, large room with only 5 people screaming from the top of their lungs, singing (mostly me did this) annoyingly catchy songs. here's the karaoke-ing gank...

dea(lost her glasses), my cousin Dila, freaky me, curly qyu, idil (clueless look).

and the Most annoyingly catchy song of the day is.. KANGEN BAND-DOY.
try to listen to it guys, freakin stuck in your head!haha.

after those singing out loud time, then came the real shopping time!!lots of stuff to buy for tomoorow. cooking ingredients and all desert thingy. hmm, not much to say for this shopping time, let's just see da pics.

this was where we started. choosing paprica. qyu loves green!

dea loves red paprika (how to spell it anyway?!!?)

me? i love the red one, the yellow one..
either is fine for me since i cant really tell which one is red and which one is yellow. hahaha. being partially colour blind is fun! but in the end we decided to take the green one. why?well, basically price does matter and budget kinda tight so cheaper is so much better. :)

arent they lovely?just like a 'real' husband and wife wanna be getting tomato for their salad dinner.. :P

chicken pok pok pok.....

mana yang ada duluan? telur ayam ato induk ayam?!?!

gak ada spaghetti merk indomie ya disini?!?!

idil pengen candid katanya..pengen candid ato lg mikir tu es krim rasa apa aja? :P

last destination of our shopping trip, cashier..

huff, it's been a tiring day. full of fun tho. cant wait for tomorrow and shut!it reminds me of the resolution i should've had by now yet im still blank bout it. haha. we'll see wat's coming up tomorrow in my head.
hmm,im having this butterfly in my stomach thingy. wondering what'll come up after this. coz sometimes it means something's unpredictable coming up.

tired and still having that missing the old sake person a bit,
signing off man.

nitey!

kangen cinaaa.......

2008-12-26T18:37:00.000-08:00

271208,saturday morning.

hmm..bangun2 seperti biasa keingetan mimpi semalem. it was nothing special. but it made me keep thinking of some1 that's been in my head for quite sometimes. c cina.
haihz. i miss him. started from the day when i found out that we had been different that a separate distance has grown between us. and that somehow annoys me now. huhu.

i dreamt of him last nite. wasn't a really sweet dream i'd say. but it's succesfully made me missing him even worse. u know those stories when i said the wrong words bout our difference that we couldnt be together and there's no way we could make things happen. well, it was on my dream last nite. yeap, i dreamt him telling me that he was sad coz i said those things. he was sitting right next to me yet he was so far away. me and my friend were at his house. hanging out watching tv. when he sat beside me,i can feel his dissapointment. kayak seseorang yang pernah deket banget ma kita tiba2 menjauh. then after he told me his saddy thing, he went out to the terrace and i felt that i should explained everything to him. that i wasn't serious bout what i said about us. that i thought that nite conversation was a usual kidding around chat. that i thought he wouldnt be very dissapointed like he did now. and that since that nite i was so sad that distance grows between us and i missed him so much it sadden me even more.

so i went out to the terrace, following him. he was there standing and i spontanuosly went hugging him. 'kangeeeennnnnn....' i dont care whether he's angry to me or dissapointed or whatever. i just wanna hug him and show him how i miss him so much. cinaaa, kangen tau!ga peduli kamu lagi marah ato lagi kesel ma saya karena omongan saya yang salah waktu itu tapi saya kangen banget. and so i hug him. super tight. he smiled and said that he missed me too. but he could never said it to me coz he felt that i wouldnt miss him back. he kept himself away from me all this time coz he thought i didnt wanna continue being together with him. i almost cried when he said that. did u know that i wanted exactly the opposite?

mimpinya berlanjut terus tapi not in the mood of writing the rest of the details down. that's it. sisanya, saya mau simpen sendiri.

bangun2 langsung inget cina. jd kangen lg. it's seriously been a while since the last time we contacting each other. he didnt even reply the sms i sent him on Xmas. hmm, emang saya udah beneran sesalah itu ya ngomongnya ke dia. cinaaaa,waktu itu kan kita lagi becanda2 jd knapa siyh omongan saya dianggap serius?!?!?!sebbeeeeeellllll.....

cina!kangen tau ma kmu, kangen tau cerita2 bodoh lg, kangen tau ditemenin ngobrol sampe pagi2, kangen tau nyela2 lg, kangen tau ngeliat nama kamu muncul d hp, kangen bangeeeeeettttt ma kamu!emang semuanya harus berubah ya?emang semuanya harus selesai gtu aja ya?bahkan buat temenan jg ga bisa?
kamu sendiri tau,saya bukan tipikal orang yang bisa gampang gtu aja sayang ma orang, kmu sendiri tau butuh banyak waktu buat bikin saya bilang sayang ma orang. entah berapa banyak waktu yang dibutuhin tapi saya butuh waktu itu. kalo kamu emang pengen nyoba,kenapa ga bertahan? saya belum 'jatuh', but why dont u stay and make me?

time's running out and that i mite be moving on to somewhere far better place soon. i dont wanna lose you, but looking at our situation now, i mite not have thet regret in my heart too much to make me cry for u. i cant fall too fast, and no matter what,i will always move on.

saya cuma pengen bilang ma kamu, saya kangen banget ma kamu cina. entah karena kangennya udah bertumpuk dari kemaren2 ditambah mimpi tadi malem jdnya rasa kangennya meluap2. atau entah karena mungkin saya masih ngerasa bersalah karena malam itu dan omongan saya soal perbedaan yang bikin kamu jadi menjauh. entah yang mana cina, tap saya tau sekarang ini saya kangen kamu.

dan saya cuma pengen tau, am i feeling this way coz u r feeling similar thing too and do u feel what i feel?

cina,kangen banget ma kamu!i wish i had the courage to tell u.......

sahabat an***g!

2008-12-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

this december shuld be full of joy,happiness,super blast moment and miraculous stories. why not? it's holiday time with christmas today,moslem new year next week and of course new years 2009 just around the corner awaits us. this month supposed to be an exciting month. u get to eat much,drink much,and sleep as much as u'd like.

from earlier this month ive been stressing bout things in my head. i cant say what but it was bothering me for quite some time. then i managed to get rid all of the sadden things and get back to the hols spirit!.tapiiiiii.....

baru aja kemaren,KEMAREN!gue,yang udah berhasil kembali ke semangat bermain dan bersenang2,SAKIT HATI LAGI!and this time,it's a REAL PAIN IN THE HEART!gue MARAH,gue KECEWA,gue TERLUKA,gue EMOSI,gue KESEL,gue ngerasa TERKHIANATI,gue BINGUNG,gue SEDIH BGT, semua campur aduk jadi satu terutama karena seseorang yang bikin gue sakit hati itu,yang bikin gue tercabik2 itu,yang bikin gue sedih setengah mati dan yang bikin hati gue ga pernah sesakit ini adalah SAHABAT gue sendiri!MANTAN SAHABAT tepatnya skrg.

yeap, Silfi Badriati Rahman!itu nama orang yg udah ngegoresin terlalu banyak luka di hati gue sekarang. TERLALU banyak sampe2 gue pada akhirnya NUMB. I used to love her so much but now,she probably the one i HATE the most after my father. dia yang udah nyakitin hati gue,qyu, ma dea kmrn. dia yang udah dengan gampangnya ngebuang persahabatan kita sekian tahun ini cuma demi an asshole bernama Inal!dia yang atas nama keseriusan hubungannya ma inal TEGA ngancurin persahabatan kita dan atas nama sebuah kehidupan baru TEGA nyingkirin kita smua dan bahkan TEGA nyebut kita perusak idupnya dia. dia tega loh ngejelek2in kita di depan inal. tega loh memfitnah kita demi pacar anjinknya itu!tai babi loe dheyn!

kemaren gue,qyu n dea beritikad baik buat nyamperin dia ke rumahnya,kita kangen ma dia n kita pengen nanya langsung aja sebenernya ada apa siyh selama ini,ko dia kesannya ngehindarin kita bgt,ngejauhin kita smua. kita pengen nge-clear-in klo2 emang ada masalah yg kita ga sadar n berharap smuanya bisa baik2 lg aja kyk dulu. kita dengan niat mulia dateng k rumahnya,kita dah prepare sebuah surat in case dia (yg kita yakin bgt) ga ada di rumah. rencananya surat itu mau kita titipin aja klo ga bisa ketemu orangnya langsung. dan bener aja pas kita sampe,dia ga ada d rumah. kita ketemu bokapnya,sempet malu karena bokapnya nyuruh kita nunggu di dalem n ngehubungin dia padahal kita ga punya nomer telponnya dia.yeap,selama ini dia GA PERNAH MAU ngasih nomer hpnya. banyak yg neror lah,hpnya rusaklah, bla bla bla sgala macem alesan. kita telponin ga diangkat. pas kita dah mau pulang aja,gue titipin suratnya ma bokapnya sambil minta tolong buat bokapnya telpon dia. karena gue tau bgt klo bokapnya yg nelpon ga mungkin ga diangkat. krn bokapnya mo solat jd adeknya yg nelpon pake hp bokapnya. dan bener aja perkiraan gue, telponnya diangkat trus disodorin ke gue. gue tanya dia diman,dia bilang lg d tempatnya inal,lg ada acara n masih lama. but u know how she sounded?she sounded as if she was talking to a stranger and not to a long lost pal. yasudlah ya,gue titipin aja suratnya trus kita cabs dr stu. masih setengah bertanya2 ada apa.

kita udah setengah jalan d dago mau k ciumbuluit waktu honya qyu bunyi n nomer yg nelpon itu nomernya silfi yg dikasih bokapnya td. gue angkatlah,ternyata inal. dan ini adalah awal mimpi buruk kita.

inal said: 'halo ini siapa yah?'
gue said: 'halo ini siapa?inal yah?'
inal: 'iya,ini siapa ya?tadi nelpon ke nomer ini'
gue said: 'oh sorry nal,ini yuvi,kita kira td ini nomernya silfi,td kita dikasih nomer ini ma bokapnya. kita ga tau ini nomer loe,kirain nomernya silfi'
inal said: 'iya tadi gara2 nomer ini nelpon saya jd berantem sama silfi.'
gue said (udah mulai emosi n ga suka ma omongannya dia): 'oh ya maaf kita ga tau,kita cuma dikasih nomer ini trus kita telp kita kirain ini nomernya sil...'
inal said: 'maaf yah,jangan neghubungin ke silfi lg'
trek. telponnya dimatiin.

WHAT THE FUCK MAN!?!?!?!gue langsung naek darah langsung emosi. apa maksudnya dia ngomong kayak gitu njink?maunya apa si anjink satu itu?tai banget ngomong2 kayak gtu trus langsung tutup telpon seenaknya. ANJINK tu orang!!!!!fuckin asshole!!
gue yg super emosi nelpon balik dr hp gue dan tebak?saking BANCINYA telpon dia langsung ga bisa dihubungin. akhirnya gue sms aja. maksudnya dia apa ngomong kayak gtu. maunya apa. klo brani ngomong langsung. ngomong ma gue depan muka. jangan beraninya cuma maen tutup telpon aja. jelasin ada apa klo brani. ngomong langsung. BANCI!!!

ga berapa lama ada balesan gini:
from:+6281702139**
percuma ngomng tp lu smua gak ngerti
.:inalsilfi:.

kta udah super ngamuk semuanya. anjink apa maksud dia ngirim kayak gtu. gue bales k dia. lu ngomong aja ga pernah. bahkan usaha aja kaga!gimana lu tau kita ngerti apa gak. lu ngomonglah ada apa klo brani. lu ngangkat telpon aja ga brani apalg ngomong.
gue ma qyu udah super emosi. tu anjink bedua salah banget ngambil moment kayak gini. salah bgt. gue lg ga mood dan dia cuma nambah ngerusak smuanya. salah banget dia pilih waktu dimana emosi gue lg gak bisa dikontrol dan ambang batas kesabaran gue ma silfi udah abis. guemarah semarah2nya,kecewa berat!smua omongan babi anjink tai sundal bangsat bejat brengsek pecun laknat sgala macem udah kluar lah dr mulut gue. itikad baik kita sampe ngalah ngebela2in dateng ke rumahnya silfi biar smua clear ternyata dianggap sampah aja ma mereka. kita yang selama ini selalu berusaha positif thinking,kita yang selama ini selalu berusaha mikir kalo ga ada apa2 cuma kesibukan masing2 aja kyk biasa. kita yang selama ini selalu masih negbelain dia tiap kali ada orang ngomong jelek tentang dia,ada orang nanya2 yg aneh2 ttg dia. kita selalu ngebelain dia. kita selalu bantah smua omongan miring mna dia. dan lihat apa yg dia perbuat ke kita. SHE TREATS US LIKE SHIT!

kesabaran kita abis,kita ngeras wasted selama ini ngebelain dia. ngerasa percuma selama ini selalu berusaha ngehubungin dia, ngerasa buang2 waktu aja sam orang yang bahkan GA NGEHARGAIN apa yang sahabatnya berusaha lakuin buat dia. berusah abertahan buat dia. CUKUP lah njink!
kita semua marah,kita semua kesel,kecewa sedih,SAKIT HATI!trus kita inget surat yang kita titipin n kita langsung puter balik buat ngambil surat itu lg. percuma surat itu ada,isinya mungkin klo dibaca ma dia ga lebih dari sekedar OMONGAN BASI yg GA PENTING buat dibaca. itupun klo dia mau bersusah payah meluangkan waktunya yang sangat berharga bersama pacar tercintanya itu buat baca surat itu. itupun klo surat itu mau dia buka buat dibaca sekilas dan bukannya dibuang ke tempat sampah ato bahkan dibakar saat segelnya aja masih utuh.
kita udah ga peduli,kita ngerasa udah DIHINA setengah mati,ga dianggap dan harga diri kita dicabik2. kita kesannya udah kayak nyembah2 sujud2 di kaki dia demi dia mau ngomong doang ma kita sementara dia mungkin mandang jijik dan ngeludahin kita dari tempatnya berdiri. kita balik,ngambil surat itu,kebetulan ga ada org yg ita kenal d rmhnya cuma sodaranya doang cowo yg kta sama sekali asing. suratnya kita robek2 d jalan dan kita buang ke sampah.

di jalan si anjink itu sempet ngesms gue lg gini:
'percuma ngmng ma orang yg bw dampak buruk. maaf jgn ganggu lg..bnyk urusan sy dan silfi yg harus dipikirin gak hanya main malam.
.:inalsilfi:.'

ah,dasar anjink buduk ga tau malu ga tau adat. apa2an dia ngomong kayak gini. apa maksudnya dia bilang kita bawa dampak buruk coba?kita ketemu silfi cuma beberapa kali setahun,itupun bertepatan ma ulang tahun masing2 dr kita. okey waktu ultahnya qyu emang gue ma silfi pulang agak malem,tapi cuma 2 hari itu aja. apa dia lupa lo pas ultah silfi sndr kita bela2in dateng k rumahnya bawa kado ma kue n ngerayain dirumah ga kemana2. kapan coba kita ngajak si silfi maen malem?bahkan dea aja kita selalu balikin ke rumah tepat sebelum jam 6 sore.
okey gue ma kiki suka kluar malem klo weekend,tapi SUMPAH DEMI TUHAN kita ga pernah ngajak silfi. okey klo mo ngliat gue emang gue suka maen malem,gue suka hang out d lounge ma temen2 gue tapi apa gue PERNAH ngajakin silfi?dea?ato qyu? GA PERNAH!asal loe tau aj njink!kehidupan gue semalem apapun itu ga pernah ngajak2 sahabat2 gue. karena gue tau mereka bukan tipe kayak gue. karena gue tau mereka ga mungkin kluar malem ma gue. dan apa loe pikir SEMUA kehidupan malem itu buruk?!?!gak njink!loe mau ngehina kehidupan gue silahkan,loe mau caci maki ato ngecap gue segala yg jelek2 silahkan tapi sekali lagi SUMPAH DEMI TUHAN gue ga pernah ngajakin silfi,qyu atopun dea buat masuk ke kehidupan gue yg itu. gue punya temen2 gue yang laen,jangan loe kira kita ga bergaul ma orang laen. kita punya temen2 laen yg JAUH LEBIH BAIK drpd pacar loe. apalg setelah sekarang kita tau gmn silfi yg sebenarnya.

gue udah mereda emosi luarnya, even dalem hati gue nangis bgt,even dalem hati gue ngerasa numb,ngerasa anjink!apa salah gue coba sampe dijudge kaak begini sama orang yang bahkan ga kenal gue sedikitpun!
gue cuma bisa bales. ck ck ck,hebat bgt loe bs ngejudge kta kyk gtu pdhl kenal kita aja gak. gue cm heran kapan kita bw dampak buruk buat pacar loe itu. yasudlah,kita juga ga sudi lg buat kenal ma kalian berdua. sampai kapanpun ga sudi. smoga kalian bedua bahagia ajalah..

dan yang gue ga percaya,si silfi masih berani bales gini:
'makasi y vi..kita juga lg blajar bwat serius ..maaf kalo ad kata yg ga enak..
.:inalsilfi:.'

anjink ni orang,masih berani bales sms?tai!
dari detik itu kita udah ilfeel ma kedua orang tadi. sombong banget sih jd org. sok banget!syapa loe njink?malaikat jg bukan, anak presiden jg jauh. tai!
trus kita mikir lg setelah semua emosi reda, ni silfi ternyata BRENGSEK abis!iyalah,orang kayak inal bisa ngomong kita berdampak buruk drmana coba kalo silfinya sendiri ga cerita yg aneh2 tentang kita. kita yakin di blakang kita silfi pasti udah jauh ngejelek2in kita. there u go dijelekin, difitnah, dibuang dan dilecehkan.
haihz. gue cuma bisa istighfar banyak2. gue pikir kesakitan gue udah gakan ada yg ngalahin lg rasa sakitnya dr patah hati2 dan dikhianatin tmn2 gue yg dulu,tapi ternyata sakit yg ini,sakitnya jauh lebih sakit lg daripada smua rasa sakit yg pernah ada. why?COZ I WAS BETRAYED BY MY OWN (USED TO SAY) BESTFRIEND. and nothing's worse then being hurted by the one u trusted most of ur life, someone you trusted to hold u and u hoped to lift u up when ur down.
dan gue baru saja mengalaminya.

macem2 berkecamuk di dada gue. sesek. berat.
haihz. gue menolak untuk bersedih lama2. karena gimanapun juga christmas is waiting and i have my duty to serve. klo emang gue harus kehilangan satu orang sahabat dengan cara yang kayak gini, then let it be...
gue tau bakal ada yg ilang tapi the portrayed of being three musketeers with qyu n dea is quite comforting at the moment.

gue cuma pengen bilang buat inal:
loe waktu pertama kali ketemu gue selalu ngegembar gemboorin soal respect. well,maybe it's about time for u to respect other people. blajar lah cara ngehargain orang, cara ngomong yang baik ma orang. jangan seenaknya ngomong nal!loe gakan pernah tau kapan orang lain bisa berbuat kayak gtu ma loe n nindas loe setengah mati. loe bisa kan ngomong baik2. jangan braninya maen tutup telpon ajalah. ngomong langsung donk. loe bukan banci kan?loe cowo kan? ngomonglah di depan muka gue kalo perlu as a gentlemen. cara loe tuh pengecut!beraninya cuma lewat sms doang. hargain orang laen dong nal!apalgi orang yang kenal ma pacar loe jauh lebih lama sebelum loe kenal ma dia. loe ngerasa 'berada'?ngerasa JAUH lebih BAIK drpd kita?jauh lebih hebat?well,gue cuma bs bilang NGACA dunk!!loe ga idup sendiri di dunia ini jd klo loe mau dihargain,learn how to respect other,jerk!!!!

buat silfi gue cuma pengen bilang:
PUAS loe udah ngancurin smuanya selama ini?PUAS loe udah ngejelek2in kita?ngomong apa aja loe ma pacar loe tercinta itu soal kita?cerita soal kluarga gue,masalah gue?kehidupan gue yang GAK PERNAH ADA sangkut pautnya ma loe?ato cerita masalah2 laen yang pernah gue ato qyu ato dea ceritain ke loe? asal loe tau aja ya vey, kita berbagi cerita seneng,masalah ato sgala macem dari dulu ma loe karena kita percaya ma loe dl!kita ngerasa loe bagian dari kita. kita ngerasa loe SAHABAT kita vey. tapi ini yang loe lakuin ma kita sekarang vey?SAHABAT ANJ**K lah! kita denger banyak hal soal loe dan kita capek2 ngebelain loe tapi loe sedikitpun ga ngebelain kita. percuma kita mentackle semua omongan jelek ma loe. ternyata smua omongan itu bener!selama ini kita aja yg goblok ga percaya ma mereka. pacar loe bilang kita bawa dampak buruk buat loe, loe ngaku apa ke dia?loe klo emang suka maen malem suka kluar malem suka begajulan,jangan bawa2 nama kita lah. klo loe ngerasa kita bawa dampak buruk,ngomong langsung depan kita vey. kasihtau kita kapan kita bawa dampak buruk ke loe?satu hal lagi kapan kita sering maen ma loe vey?gue minta loe sumpah demi Tuhan kalo emang kita bikin loe rusak,klo emang kita ngancurin idup loe. gue kecewa banget ma loe!gue diantara qyu ma dea mungkin yang paling kecewa ma sikap loe. asal loe tau ya vey klo loe emang tau gue brarti loe tau GAKAN Pernah kata maaf buat pengkhianat dalam kamus gue. gue kenal loe dari sma vey, dan loe ngebuang semuanya dengan dalih pengen serius ma inal. loe pikir qyu ga serius ma idil?loe pikir dea ga serius ma yodi?mereka pacaran lebih lama dari loe dan mereka jauh lebih serius drpd loe ma inal mungkin tapi mereka baik2 aja sejauh ini. loe ngebiarin pacar loe ngejudge gue seenakanya,tau ga apa yang ada di pikiran gue, mungkin sebenernya itu penilaian loe buat kita. mungkin selama ini bukan pacar loe yg mempengaruhi loe tapi loe yang mempengaruhi pacar loe. mungkin selama ini ternyata loe gak pernah nganggep persahabatan kita ini ada.mungkin ternyata selama ini loe yang ga suka ma ita, loe yang ngerasa kita ini pengganggu. pertanyaan gue cuma 1 vey, ada apa sih ma loe????

gue udah ga tau harus mikir apalg. ga tau harus nganggep gimana lg. td malem qyu sempet nanya kenapa silfi kayak gini. u know what?i dont have the answer man. the best thing came up on my head is just. maybe,somehow dia ngerasa terintimidasi ma kita dan satu2nya yang bisa bikin dirinya ngerasa superior dibandingin kita2 ini ya cuma dengan cara ngejelek2in kita. gue cuma mikir klo orang secantik dia cuma bisa ngerasa bahagia dengan ngejelek2in orang,there must be something wrong with herself man. ga punya hati bgt sih.

in the end of the day,tetep aja dada gue sesek, berat dan akhirnya gue ga bisa tidur jg tadi malem dari jam 2 sampe jam 5 pagi and christmas is welcoming me in the morning. sebuah kenyataan pahit 1 hari menjelang natal bahwa sahabat gue (mantan) sendiri udah memilih buat ngedump si persahabatan ini ke tempat sampah tanpa tedeng aling2. the pain still there dan gue cuma bisa bertahan dengan keyakinan, gue harus bertahan demi 2 orang lg sahabat gue. berkat kejadian ini,kita tau klo selama ini cuma kita ber3 yg saling ngerasain ternyata. dan berkat ini juga,kita tau kita takut kehilangan masing2.

enough is enough man. setiap orang punya ambang batas kesabaran masing2. if 1 day kita ketemu mereka di suatu tempat, we swear we will never say hi to them again. not after they stepping on our dignity and spit on it. so much for sahabat lah njink!

however,i wish them to be happy together forever and ever. amin.
my heartache?let God do whatever God thinks the best to repay it.

anyway,it's christmas today and lets enjoy this moment together.
im taking a deep breath n let go.....
may joy fulfill the world and every heart of us...

Merry Xmas everyone!hav a blast!
:)

testi-kel-monial-isa

2008-12-23T19:36:00.000-08:00

hmm,it's december already n i know ive been missing blogging for quite sometimes..haha too much stuff on my head and too many things to prepare for this month. it's holiday time anyway and so so so many stuff pop up in front of me. hmm, it makes me realise that i havent even spare my time to think of a resolution since new year is just around d corner. hahaha. wat d heck,let's just see later lah.

anyway, i happen to know that im goin to post a really shitty post after this and since this is december with the holiday spirit is all over the air,i wanna start my this month blogging with something stoned and cracked.

i went online earlier this month,managed to contact several of my ex co-worker and my long lost friend thru email. then as usual we came up with an idea of writing year end testimonials for each other. tho it was really hard for me to think of something else to write bout them beside 'crazy,psycho,or fully retarded', i suceeded to wrote satisfying testimonials which represented them very well (according to themselves of course). i cant post it here coz it wud be without their permission, however, i feel like writing testimonials that they sent for me. some of them are true,some are totally true and some are just i dunno what to comment about. hahahaha

hey,i am narcist so dun care what u think, i wanna post what people think of me. which 1 do u think it's true? and if there's anything to add on, please guys, feel free to write to me. hahahaha. im acting as if im so much in popular state.

anyway, here they are....
vee is:

"penyanyi lagu2 'ganggu' n tukang karokean dengan nada2 'salah'" -inonk,supervisor+teman karaoke di masa2 kelam.

"neneng pe-a yang sukar dijelasin arah tujuan hidupnya!orang yg suka gangguin gw gawe,suka ngintilin gw ketemu klien demi makan gratis di tempat mahal, n suka jadi backing-an gw pas ngegencet pecun2 sundal yg suka ngerebut cowo gw!the best a me can get!luv u biatchii..." -timmy,org sakit temen seperjuangan dl yg skrg ninggalin gw k s'pore.

"pemberi nasehat yg baik,penyusun kata2 yg so sweet,wise in words, out of mind in act!thanx buat kata2 RPK yg dulu bs bikin cewe klepek2 ma gw!haha kapan novel lu kelar ndut?" -anto,mantan murid penakluk wanita yg skrg takluk ma nyonya adelia.

"nyet,lu tuh femi,butch, ato andro seh?!?!bingung gw..tega lu milih bee drpd gw!haha" -nanda,pengagum rahasia.

"makhluk moody yg lg suka banget nyodok!" -tata,kakaknya timmy yg slalu gw smsin ngajak maen tp ga pernah jd.

"gendut,berisik,sakit jiwa,perfeksionis,super santai,norak,tangguh,narsis,caring,pencinta cina,phobia kodok,penggila soto,penyayang kucing kampung,fleksibel,ga bs lepas dr sendal jepit,tukang cela dewi persik yg teuteup aja nontonin smua pelmnya janda saipul jamil itu demi nyela,saingan beratnya cowo,tukang bikin patah hati,tempat sampah yang baik yg tau kapan waktunya buat ngedenger dgn sangat baik,ngasih nasehat yg ga ngeguruin,nyepet pelan2 biar ngerti sampe maki2 depan muka kalo dah keterlaluan.orang yg ga pernah sadar klo ada yang suka ma dia sampe ntar jauh setelah itu baru tau setelah dikasihtau temennya.CPD! cuma 1 yg gue sesalin dr hubungan kita yg super hebat ini:knp gw kenal ma lu baru skrg setelah hidup udah jauh berjalan n kita udah susah bwt sama2 terus.. gw sayang bgt ma loe tante!!" -emon,temen setia tukang bikin skandal.

"a great sister,lousy chef,an amateur photographer who surprisingly can always catch a brief moment in a nice angle that turns into a nice picture,super adventourous baby and an awesome friend to be the only 1 i cried for when she left." -diana,salah satu penyokong kehidupan malaysia dulu.

"leng chay freaks,seems very strong in the appearance but softy2 in the inside,daydreamer all the time!haha keep dreaming mate!" -ben,anonymous loveable person.

"manja,norak,tukang tipu,kekanak2an,keras kepala,kolokan,rese tapi entah kenapa omongannya selalu ngena di hati bikin sayang banget ma orang ini." -bee,lebah langka.

"cewe yg ga bisa idup tanpa hape disebelahnya. dari mulai bangun tidur sampe mau tidur lg,loe bisa liat hape setia di sebelahnya!tapi untung dia ga ikut2an autis make BB,soalnya ni cewe udah autis dr sananya..haha miss sms lu!" -arun,abang yg slalu jealous karna gak ada yg smsin dia.

"makhluk cupu!ngakunya ga suka clubbing tapi klo dance bikin bumi gonjang ganjing.ngakunya jg ga suka minum tapi klo disodorin liquor minumnya paling kuat.pengalaman nyoba bikin dia drunk berakhir dengan kebangkrutan kita semua buat beli berbotol2 minuman n she can still did her assignment well after that!sarap!" -meimei,temen yg selalu jd orang yg diseret pulang karena mabok.

"uv gila!impiannya ketinggian,badannya kegedean,senyumnya kelebaran,kalkuannya (kadang) keterlaluan,kucingnya kebanyakan,otak kanannya kecairan, dan hatinya kebesaran.orang baik yang kadar jahatnya hanya melewati batas saat bom waktunya udah meledak." -bejo,gay guy tersayang yg gadunnya kebanyakan!

so,there u go the testimonials. I cant say whether those words are true or not. but i do love those people so much coz no matter what they say i know hey know who i am and take as i am. i love u all guys!!

when are we going to have that reunion we've been planned all years yet 2008 is nearly coming to the end now.hahahaha. i know u can read this so buzz me when the plan is on babe!.

mengenang kembali....

2008-11-22T18:20:00.000-08:00

tadi malem, setelah satu setengah tahun aja ga ketemu, gw ketemu dirga lagi!huhu. sumpah ya waktu pertama ketemu,seneeeeeeng banget plus agak2 mellow. coz u know lah,jadi teringat semua masa2 pertama kali waktu dulu berjuang di malaysia.

dee,termasuk salah satu temen pertama gw. ni formasi awal kita.....

dee,gw,randy,jeje.
hmm,kapan yaah kita ngumpul bareng kayak gini lg?inget banget ni foto diambil pas kita lg pertama kali bertualang d negeri jiran. kita k klcc trus muter2 deh. gakan pernah lupa. kangeennn banget ma mereka2.
ntar mau majak poto dl dr dee yg td malem baru dyeh gw upload..

trus as inget2 ketemu dee td malem,jd inget, gw ma fred pernah satu kali chatting gtu, ngangen2in malay jg. ni chatny.....

anhalt frederick says:
mommy bau

vee just sent you a nudge.

vee says:
Enak aj..
loe th bau..
hahaha
udh mknny?

anhalt frederick says:
udh
sory2
tadi baru siap ngeroko
duh pi
hidup gua di sini sepi deh
ga ada teman
yang ada cuma cici gua
biasa nya yang dl teman ampe kebanyakan tiba2 seorang diri terus di weekend
sedih deh

vee says:
ko bs?
bknny loe msk college dsana
ms c ga ad tmn..
ga ad yg seasik kta kali y..
hahaha
gw kgn a1109 jg fred..

anhalt frederick says:
smua org di sini social life nya beda
smua pada kerja
nah
ada jg whites tuh
yang ga kerja...
tapi mereka sombong2 banget
ga mau terlalu bergaul ama kita2 asian
pada saat lo ada di msia dl sich belum terlalu rame
pas lo udh balik indo tuh

vee says:
Busyet
sombong2 amat..
penjajah dasar..Haha

anhalt frederick says:
international relationship nya tambah parah
biasa nya 1109 tuh penuh gila klo weekend
skrg tiba2 aja ga ada orang sama skali buat have fun
gua sedih deh ga punya temen di sini

vee says:
pas gw ad aj udh ngangenin apalg klo gw lbh lm stay..
hahaha
emg asian lg ga bnyk?
tp loe kerja jg kan fred?
y namany jg negri org
ga bs slmny ngarepin kyk dl2 aj kan..Huhu
ayo smangat fred!
cr pcr atuh..

anhalt frederick says:
iya, gawe bikin hari2 berlalu cepet banget
ga terasa udh 4 bulan aja di sini...
iya jg sich... wah asian di sini juga sama, smua pada kerja... sibuk ga menentu
iya jg sich... ga bisa seperti dl...
wah, cari pacar?
cari mati nama nya...
biaya idup aja gede nya minta ampun...
cari pacar mo spend berapaan tuh tiap bulan
kangen deh ama shoaib, dirga, fern, nico, arvin, smua nya deh...
randi, elo, dice...

vee says:
iya fred
gw jg kgn bgt ma kalian smua
ma suasana jmn dl
gosip2..
jalan2ny kta..
hmm gw jg ga nyangka dah staun aj gw mundur dr malay
n bntrlg gw jg cabs dr indo
ngejar mimpi n a better future la..Haha
time past people change..
Smuany hrs maju..
klo bs mgkn gw pgn ngebekuin wkt jmn2 dl kta msh brg
tp yaaa...
hahaha
kpn y kta bs ngumpul2 lg?

anhalt frederick says:
ke sunway, nonton movie sambil seton
itu dia pi
nga tau kapan lagi
abis semester ini, smua yang ada di malaysia pada graduate
rata2 ke aussie
kangen sunway, plg nya ke mamak yang di deket ridzuan tuh
yang ane orang india
hahaha

vee says:
Klo ga adventure k petaling street..Haha

anhalt frederick says:
plg nya cims2 trus sambung nonton di rumah lagi
and gossip2
ampe lu sering ketiduran di kasur gua
hahaha

vee says:
klo ga genjreng2 d rmh
smbl gangguin dee blajar
haha

anhalt frederick says:
iya... klo ga gangguin gua coli di malam hari
ahahhaa
lu ya... emang dasar

vee says:
iya trus ntn sunny yg nico mewek2!Haha
inget ga?

anhalt frederick says:
iya tuh, parah tuh orang
hahaha

vee says:
Weits gw gtu loh..
basically gw th udh tgl dstu kykny
haha

anhalt frederick says:
trus liatin randy yang sibuk dengerin rock songs sambil make headset..
iya2...
emang mo kmn rencana nya kamu pi?>

vee says:
trus fern yg suka matiin lampu dugem2 sndr pke laptopny..
ato ga dia maen game smp smgu ga kluar kmr..
parah!

anhalt frederick says:
iya tuh orang, pas randi plg tuh

vee says:
Rncnny mu k jepang bntr
trus k qatar fred
gawe...

anhalt frederick says:
si pern pake tidur sendirian and dugem di kamar sambil cims2
ga etis banget
wah, jaoh amat
qatar
wah...
kapan ya? ketemu lagi, cims2 bareng, sambil ngegossip?
ntah berapa tahun lagi baru bertemu....
gua jg ga bisa plg indo gara2 apply citizenship

vee says:
Mgkn hrs nunggu dekade bru bs ktm lg fred..
dee dah kul d ph,nico jg d padang,nyak ma randi brtahan d malay,fern ga tau msh idup pa ga,dice mgkn k aussie ntr n gw jg ngejar mimpi kliling duoia..
huhu
smeday klo kta dah settle mgkn pas blk indo kta bs ktm..
tp i wonder
bkl msh pd inget ga y ntr?

okay,call me emo or mellow or watever but im speechless reading this chat and seeing those pics. i just realised (again!) that I MISS U GUYS a lot!!
sniff..

i need to chill 1st.huff.

my one and only melting boi!haha

2008-11-21T22:48:00.000-08:00

okay,i might appear like a complete idiot by actually uploading this pic here. but i CANT RESIST this one guy charm till i wanna share it to the world!!!hahahaha. njiz gw sounds stupid banget dah tapi gimana dwonk,entah kenapa hormon gue hanya bekerja kalo gue ngliat orang satu ini. yes,he's an actor. and yes, dozens of girls out there might have the same crush on him as i do but hey!this is my world,screw whatever i wanna do here,rite?

soooo..iya,gw in love,hmm,let me fix the phrase 1st coz i dont think im in love,gw in a HUGE crush on this guy.call me grupis,drama freak,or whatever u want,i dont care. karena emang gue sukaaaaaaa banget ma ni orang.

daniel phillip henney.
alasan knapa gw suka banget dia dan rela ditunjuk orang bodoh demi dia:
1. he's korean!half at least.
2. he's so darn cute man!how can u tahan those smile?!?!?!
3. he's charming.(at least everytime he acts in a movie he always succesfully charm me!hahahaha i turn psycho already!)
4. he's cute.
5. he's cute.
6. he's cute,have i mention he's cute?oh well...
7. he's cute.
hahaha. I cant believe i actually write these things and posted in my blog. but u know girls,we just wont stop doing stupid things to make us happy.note to self:HAPPY!.sumpah ya mungkin kalo gue boleh dapet 3 keinginan dr jin lampu centil yang bisanya cuma pake cangcut doang saking ga mampunya naro ac d lampunya situ,gw mau minta daniel henney feline loph ma gw,dia pindah agama,ma minta seribu permintaan lagi.
hmm..cakep banget siyh ni orang. dan hebatnya lagi. dia blom membuat saya bosan untuk terus ngliat mukanya dia again and again even filmnya udah lama banget n sering banget gue tonton, ato mungkin actingnyy ga sekeren tom hanks. but he got me everytime!. yah,gw emang lg living in dream kali yah,makanya yang bisa bikin gue exciting,bikin gue teriak2 histeris ato bahkan kejang2 cuma orang ini satu.

pernah nih satu kali gue lagi diem2 aja tuh sepanjang hari,trus gue nyetel celestial movies,pas banget lagi 2nd international pusan film festival d korea. gue ga nyadar siyh itu acara apa sampe sosok makhluk cantik satu ini lewat d red carpetnya!!!!!!dan percaya ga percaya gue triak trus loncat dari sofa straight ke depan tipi. OMG!dia cakep banget apalagi dia make setelan seducing mr.perfect. haihz,bikin jantung gue treadmill 15 menit ga seeh. fufufufu

hhh,kayaknya kalo ngomongin orang ini,gue bisa berlanjut sampe malem ke pagi ke malem ke pagi lagi,truuuusssss aja ga brenti2.haha. itu juga isinya pasti penuh histerical scream plus excitement2 ga jelas.
i am wat i am lah.

eniwei,,,,since ibu kost kembar sialku tercinta udah narik gw buat cabs,si tampan satu ini sampe sini dulu deh ceritanya.next time lg kali yaaa..hahaha

duh,baby,cukup ah,sebelum makin banyak lg yg protes dan muntah2.chao dulu yah.
mmuach!

Percakapan duo dumbo

2008-11-20T04:52:00.001-08:00

Okay this has nothing to do with any important conversation.As a matter of fact it's not important at all considering the one that im talking to is Emon,a highly undefined creature.But i just feel like writing it down so i can show emon how Duh! he is.

(we were phoning while watching E.R:fathers and sons)
Emon:Gw ga percaya dewi persik pake topi bayi aneh itu.Geblek!Dia kayak mu hiking trus pake kupluk gunung yg dipasangin antena gps tau!Norak bgt c ni org..
Me:kpn c dia ga norak?!Apalg skrg dia brantem ma mantan wardrobeny.Dpecat kan tuh ahirny paadu2 omong..
Emon:syapa wardrobeny dia?
Me:lah itu yg asep2 itu..Kan wardrobeny dia dl
Emon:bukanny itu manajer dia?Ato asisten pribadiny?Ato wardrobeny?Ah b**i ni orang.Plin plan bgt c milih jabatan doang.Tp klo dia wardrobeny,beuh!Jatoh harga dr lu vi sbg wardrobe jg..Mukany ancur gtu!Parah dah parah!
Me:Eh nyet mksdny apa itu?Gw udh kaga wardrobe y fyi!Lgan sapa tau dia pake topeng gtu kan..Luarny aj kyk hanoman dlmny siyh james bond!Lagian lu tuh lg ntn paan siyh?Bknny ntn E.R?
Emon:iya ntn E.R tp keingetan dewi persik ngliat pemutar film jadul gtu..
Me:apa hubunganny?
Emon:ga ad,rol filmny mirip cangcut gw..
Me:mon daniel henney cakep bgt yaaaaa..Td c kingkong nlp gw trus dia nanya2 what if question gtu..
Emon:what if paan?What if lu jadi babuny daniel henney trus lu dhamilin then u found out he's gay at last?
Me:Iya trus bayi gw ma dia kembar cewe cowo,yg cewe dtumbalin pas bulan purnama yg cowo diadopsi pcr gayny dia..Gila lu!Ga kurang sadis prtanyaanny?Cowo kesayangan gw tuh!
Emon: maklumlah too much gay around u jd aja gw mikirny lebay.Trus what if apa jdny td?
Me: what if gw jadian ma daniel henney,apakah gw bakal bertahan klo tau: punggungny panuan,p***sny bercabang 2,dia trnyt pria metrosexual yg pake lipgloss dan pelembab plus bedak trus tiap 5menit skali dia nanya dia udah ok apa blom,ato pas pulang dari blanja sndr gw mendapati dia lg nyoba2in baju gw didepan cermin smbl pake2 high heels gw jg..
Emon: trus lu jwb apa?Lu bkl brtahan?Gw c yakin dia mu jd drag queen jg lu pst brtahan asal itu daniel henney!Hahaha
Me: haha tumben pinter lu!Ya iyalah,gw kan maw jd contoh yg baik bahwa love's dumb but not blind.Ahaha y gw jawablah:panuan doang ko bkn herpes,bercabang 20(amit2!!) jg gw jabanin dah,gpp metrosex kan lumayan gw suruh dia bli lipgloss n make up2 yg mahal jd kan bs share..Hahaha,nah yg takhir gw jawab gini mon 1.Ga mgkn gw blanja sndr krn pst dtemenin dia 2.Ga mgknlah dia make bju gw secara ukuran gw lbh kcil dr dia klopun dia mau pst dia bli sndrlah bju ceweny!Haha 3.Ga mgkn jg dia pake heels gw scara yg gw pny klo bkn converse y sendal jepit,ga kalah macho kan? :p sutralah daniel henney mah gw suruh jaim dl aj slm pcrn smp kta merit bru gila2an..
Emon: 1kata baik d bwt lu..Amiiinn!!Sapa taw gw bs jd artis jg ngikut dia..
Me: wuekz..Seijin gw dl dunx sbg istri..Haha mon,knapa c rmh2 org2 kaya tuh y slalu megah menakjubkan heboh bikin kagum tapi pasti terpencil jauh d ujung dunia udh gtu remang2 pula..
Emon: lu pst lg ntn when a stranger calls y?
Me: ho oh,diulang2 mulu..Rame c untungny..
Emon: hmm rmh2 org kaya pd jauh d ujung dunia soalny klo d tgh kota ntr dkira museum ato ga dikira tempat pameran barang2 antik..Udh gtu knp remang2 krn lu ga bole tau d dlm rmhny pd ngapain.Lu taw ga yg remang2 tu biasany t4 paan?
Me: t4 mesum,warung remang2 gtu..
Emon: nah itu jg sama dia remang2 krn dlmny ad stripper terselubung,makany dia bs jd kaya n bgn rumah kyk gtu jg!
Me: ah ngehe lu!Ngarang bgt siyh!Eh dituntut ma org kaya bru tau lu..Pencemaran nama baik!
Emon: y klo bapak baik ngerasa gw mencemarkan namany n maw nuntut..Bring it on man..Lagian slaen krn alsn td mrk udh ga mampu byr listrik mahal2 cuy makany hemat lampu bgt dah
Me: ngarang lu!Gw bilangin nyokap lu dah biar tau rasa ntr. ga ngrasa lu rumah lu kan jg trmsk yg kyk gtu mon!Haha
Emon: eits y beda dunx!Itu kan rmh orang tuaku bkn rmhku..
Me: sama aj!
(hening sejenak krn emon branjak beser k wc bntr)
Emon: back!Eh vi kta foto2 pra wedding gtu yuk..
Me: hah?Maksud loe?Ngapain gw bkn foto pra wed ma lu?
Emon:iseng aj..Kan klo foto2 studio gtu2 c udh biasa..Nah,kta bkn yg ga biasa yg super beda!Y foto pra wed lah..Pd bgs2 soalny v hslna..
Me: ya iyalah byrny jg brapa..
Emon: makany itu!Kta bikin yuk..Tmnny c kakak ad yg fotografer spesialis pra wed gtu nah kta bslah dpt diskon..Gw yg bayar dah..
Me: dih!Ogah..Bajuny gmn coba?
Emon: kta sewa aj klo ga kta k gedebage dah hunting
Me: knapa ga loe aj sndr c?
Emon: ya klo gw sendiri namany bkn foto pra wed lg dunx vi!Gmn siy lu!Masa gw nikahin dr sndr..
Me: haha parah bgt c lu..Narsis maksa2 org..
Emon: alah gw tau lu jg narsis makany gw ngajakin lu..
Me: wae!Lg diare gw..Narsisny lg off dl bwt smntr..Haha
Emon: eh,tapi bkl kualat ga c?
Me: kualat?Kualat knapa?
Emon: y klo ntr gw foto2 pra wed ma lu tktny mlh kualat ga jd lg ntrny..
Me: ga jd fotony mksd loe?
Emon: ga jd ma lu dodol!
Me: ga foto jg gakan jd mon
Emon: knapa?
Me: udh baca bulbo gw?Udh baca post gw?Lg ga mood!!!
Emon: who knows..
(hening lamaaaa bgt!Udh males ma topikny)
Me: mon mu bkn roti dl y..Laper!
Emon: yawdah ntr gw tlp lg d mlman..
Me: ok.Bye.
Emon: bye.

Hmm kita ni makhluk gila garing dan super membosankan.Plus kita kestuck satu sama lain.Haihz.

Me out.

Super Sensitive Day of the Week!!

2008-11-20T01:21:00.001-08:00

Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!

I swear to God!Today is the day where i feel like screaming out loud n shouting everyone around me!Plus throwing things,hitting stuff and kill some people if only it's allowed in this country.

ga tau kenapa hari ini super bad day aj.Entah karena gw lagi dapet jd hormon marah2 gw meningkat drastis sampe titik tertinggi sepanjang sejarah atau karena emang hampir semua orang di sekitar gw hari ini emang lg ga punya toleransi dan kesadaran untuk tidak BERTINGKAH like AS*%$#ES!!!Gw ga tau yang mana alasan tepatny.Yang gw tau hari ini adalah hari yang tepat buat make kaos dengan tulisan kapital warna merah mencrang yg super besar di depan ma blakangny: BEWARE!!!BOILING BLOOD is IN da HOUSE!!

I hate life today!Lousy and super annoying!Biatch.

My November 19th swuper sweet dweamz :)

2008-11-19T02:06:00.001-08:00

Hujan,langitnya abu-abu,dinginny berhasil bikin gw bersenjatakan lengkap jaket,piyama panjang,kaos kaki mickey n selimut coklat tua kesayangan yang super lebar.Bru bangun dari tidur sore niyh.Pulang2 td keujanan trus mandi aer anget.Brr,bdnnya langsung manja minta ngeringkuk.Pas tidur barusan ga tau mimpi apa.Ga inget sama sekali,atau bahkan mungkin ga mimpi.Yang ada pas barusan bangun langsung inget mimpi semalem!.How can i forget it!It was swuper dwuper unbelieveably(did i spell correctly?) womantic n sweet!

Sennnneeeeeeng bgt kalo inget mimpi tadi malem.Bawaanny pengen swenyum twewuss. :)
Mimpiny siyh sebenerny ga gimana2,ga porno yg jelas!Haha.Detailnya banget juga sebenernya udah agak kabur dari ingatan.Ada gw,abang SN,gelanggang samudra smething,lumba2 n a bunch of crowd.Mungkin karena kemaren2 nonton discovery channel soal lumba2 n td mlm ngliat iklan ancol mansion jd mimpinya langsung bertempat in a place looks like gelanggang samudra.Not to mention that i was desperately wanting 2 get a kissed by dolphin picture in my dream!Haha too bad right before i was going 2 b kissed,when i lined up n waited 4 my turn,i ter-woke up.Smiling! :)

huff..Last nite was amazing!Huhu.Ga ada siyh adegan yang luar biasa.Tapi manis banget.C abang megang tangan gw,trus dia mangku gw spanjang mimpi(wow!I turned light in a night.Haha),ngobrol sama gw,meluk gw,okay there might have been a kissing scene but not a dirty wild kiss!It was a slow mild deep kiss where u can feel every inch of his feeling n all his heartbeat blending in together with yours till u feel as if u were 1 soul separated in 2 bodies.Huhu.Isnt that super sweet?Just a kiss,nothing more and it goes deep 2 the center of ur heart.
Ok,let all the details be mine only.. :)

yang jelas dia ga pernah pergi dari sisi gw slama itu,dia ngejaga gw banget. :) hmmpf,luluh...
I love the way he holds my hand and never let go(it's as if all he needs is me 2 be beside him),I love the way he puts me on his lap n hugs me from behind,I dont think i should mention how i love his kiss coz i already wrote a long line of it,but most of all,I love the way he talks to me,the way he looks into my eyes and not even looked away for a sec.Making me feel important n needed.
hmm,maybe that's what ive been searching from a guy,d feeling 2 be important n needed.And last nite,i got it from him.

Gw tau siyh entah gimana mimpi gw bakalan susah banget jd nyata.Apalg mengingat sang pangeran di mimpi gw itu c abang SN.Beuh,jauuuuh bnr dah digapainya.Haha itupun kalo gw niat menggapai(which unfortunately not!).

tapi kalo mimpi td malem boleg jadi nyata,smoga apa yg gw rasa gak salah dan smoga pas kenyataanny bakalan jauh jauh jauuuuhh lbh manis drpd td mlm.Amin! :)
ok,im fooling myself again.Haha

hmm,ga bisa brenti senyum,ga bs brenti nginget2 lg mimpi td mlm,ga bisaaaaa........ :) :) :) :)
let d dream be mine 4 a while till i sleep n get another sweet dream that'll replace it.Hmpf,ayo kita meringkuk lagi....

I Wuf U my Swuper Sweet Dweamz!!

191108,17:05

-BULu keBO

2008-11-17T20:43:00.001-08:00

Ini adalah sebuah bulbo yg dipost sebelumnya ma tmn gw trus gw post trus dpost lg ma tmn gw trus dpost lg entah ma sapa dst dst dst. Well,pengen ngegelitik seorang teman lewat bulbo ini. Please,do enjoy it anyway coz it might sound like u!Haha

Subject: give it up la dude!Ahaha
message:
1. menurut lo cinta itu apa?
* something that makes u alive again after u being dead for a while..

2. bagi lo cinta itu nyenengin atau sebaliknya?
* beautifully painful

3. pernah nangis & sedih karena cinta?
* pernahlah namany jg manusia..

4. pernah tersenyum & bahagia karena cinta?
* that's why we keep falling and falling again tho it's wrong..

5. gimana pendapat lo, "cinta gak harus memiliki"?
* kata hiburan buat orang yang kalah yang tahu cara berbuat benar..

7. Tuhan nitip seseorang buat lo cintain, tapi orang itu malah sering buat lo nangis ato sedih,gimana?
* tuhan gakan pernah nitipin seseorang yg bisanya cuma bikin kita nangis atau sedih, Tuhan bilang 'ga boleh lg nyakitin diri sendiri!'

8. menurut lo,remaja" keq kita terlalu jauh gak sihh ngomongin cinta?
* jauuuhhhh bgt!Smp ga sdr klo love itself hurts ourself..

9. gimana kalo pacar lo yang bilang sayang sama lo, tapi dy sering buat lo nangis & sedih, lo milih bertahan & coba ngerti karena dy mank keq gitu sifatnya atau milih putus?
* cuma orang bodoh yg mau bertahan cm bwt bikin dirinya sakit lg buat yg kesekian kali,n im not gonna be that idiot!Is there anyone that dumb to let herself get hurted over n over again?OMG!

10. misalkan pacar lo bohongin lo,tapi lo gak tau gimana?
* kayakny gue ga bs diboongin d klo ketauan sorry to say tha HE'S A BLOODY JERK!Go to hell..

11. gimana kalo lo ngerasa berat pacaran sama pacar lo, soalny sifat dy yg lo gak suka?
* ya putuslah,kayak ga ada cowo laen aja d dunia ini..Hahaha

12. setuju ga,"kalo mank sayang, sesusah apapun, seberat apapun, lo harus pertahanin hubungan itu?
* only if it's worth to defend to.If it's not,why bother torturing urself?True love is when he loves u n respect u as u do to urself la..

13. adil gak, "lo trauma pacaran lagi karena pacar lo yang sebelumnya nyakitin lo,akhirny lo beranggapan semua cewe/cowo itu sama"?
* love like u never hurt before,GET IT?!?

14. lo pilih hidup dengan cinta atau tanpa cinta?
* ya dengan cintalah,love urself man!

15. apa yang lo lakuin kalo lo harus ngelepas orang yang lo sayang kareoa semakin lo sama dy,lo bakalan semakin menderita?
* ya lepasin aja,masa loe ga mau ngelepasin kanker yg trus2an ngegerogotin loe n bs bikin loe mati..Dun be that idiot la!!Huhu

16. ada gak sihh orang didunia ini,di zaman sekarang yang setia sama orang yang dy sayangin?
* pasti ada,gue iya,tp syapa ya yg gue sayangin?Hahaha

17. percaya gak,"ketika kamu melepaskan seseorang yang kamu sayangi, Tuhan akan memberimu lebih dari apa yang telah kamu lepaskan"?
* BANGET!Tuhan pst kasih yg lebih baik biar kita JAUH lbh bahagia...

18. kalo lagi sedih, lagi nangis apa yang lo lakuin?
* ya mewek2lah..Haha

19. gimana cara ilangin negative thinking sama orang yang lo sayang?
* stop n let him go,then u wont b having too much thought of him anymore,rite?

20. pilih dicintai atau mencintai?
* dicintai sama orang yang bikin kita bahagia instead of wasting our tears for him..

21. gimana cara ilangin kesedihan lo, kekecewaan lo?
* duet animal karaoke..

22. percaya gak, Tuhan bakalan bikin indah pada waktunya?
* dengan org yg tepat,pastinya...

23. dibalik penderitaan pasti ada kebahagiaan,percaya?
* percaya!

24. pengaruh cinta di hidup lo besar gak?
* ga smp bikin gue skinny n dumblah,im still fat n bloody happy!

25. punya pesan buat orang" yang sedih dan patah hati?
* cry it,get over it,forgive then find another 1 to forget it...

Hmm,temanku sayang u know who u r,rite?Smua jawaban gw disini adalah respon gue atas jawaban loe..Gw harap pas loe baca loe bakal ngerti that it's time 2 let go and move on for a better life.Pity urself coz we all already did.

ps: I just realized that there's no number 6!D person who made this bulletin 1st must b having dislexia..Haha kidding man..

Si wajah cinta itu!

2008-11-17T04:56:00.001-08:00

"LOVE COME to THOSE WHO BELIEVE IT..And that's the way it is.."

hmm,laguny celine dion tuh nyepet,dalem dan ngena bgt dah!Huhu jd kepikiran sendiri pas td di bis balik k rmh,hey!it's been days n months n almost years n i havent found d love itself.
what cud possibly be wrong yah?Is it coz i didnt really search 4 it ato emang alasan klise emang blom dateng aj kali vi.

well,jd inget jaman2 dulu loh. Time where i still have 2 face that having boyfriend is a must or u get left behind in d society. kayakny punya pacar tuh kewajiban utama jaman dahulu kala. Cowo yg bs nganter jmpt kmn2,yg bs dibangga2in d dpn tmn2 n dpamer2in tiap ada acr skolah,yg bisa dpajang2 fotony d dompet ato d spion tengah mobil...Hahaha.Omg!Are we really that stupid back then?Oh ok,not we but me,am i?Geez. mau bilang maklumlah bocah2 labil smp sma yg inti duniany is to get most attention in this world!Haha sorry guys!No offense but it's true n u know it.

Klo flashback k masa2 itu n ngaca diri gw yg skrg. Gw bru sadar klo gw udah brubah 180derajat. brubah bgt2lah. jaman2 jahiliyah dulu tuh y gw suka bgt ngerengek2 maksa2 tmn2 gw buat nyariin gw cowo (shit!This's embarassing but wat 2 say i was a clown back then!). iya tuh,gw suka bgt minta crin pacar ma siapapun tmn gw. Yah,entah lbh besar mana antara rasa kasian mereka ma knyataan klo mereka emang tmn2 yg baik!(haha my friends ARE really GUD people!Thanks god! :)),mereka slalu mau bantuin gw. Tapi dasar nasib yah udah digimana2inpun tetep aj ketemuny ma yg salah lg,salah lg. Mulai dr yg ga serius yaitu pria2 dunia maya yg ga bgt jmn SMP dl(mirc rocks at that time man!),pria2 yg bikin gw sadar that my ability 2 conquer guys via phone is totally irresistible!!N earning too (cool! :p),branjak pas SMA mulai kpikiran aga2 serius dr c cina yg akhirny dilepasin krn saking bedanya warna kulit,Kaka kelas yg luluh berkat kemampuan gw tp trus mlh jadian ma bestbud gw,my MOST ELIGIBLE JERK on my universe yg sampe detik ini masih!Bikin gw slalu 'jatuh',Om vokalis yg dengan bajinganny memilih malaikat laknat dluar sana,smp sahabat2 gw n pria2 lain yg lebih baik ga gw mention coz cuma kesenangan sesaat doang!Huhu. Tho slalu ad pengecualian buat my MEJ,tp smua cerita2 gw slalu berakhir dgn knyataan klo gw slalu ktm cowo2 brengsek dan cerita2ny slalu bikin gw sakit!From bad 2 worse stories u name it la,been there done that!Tp udah gtu skrg c sumpah ya gw klo inget masa2 itu suka pengen ketawa ngakak!Ngetawain diri gw sndr..I was a phony man!But i get Dozens lessons 4 my life...

haihz,dr smua crita2 rengekan gw td trus gw ngliat lg idup gw taun2 blakangan ini. Yg gw bilang gw berubah,i did change. No more whining bout 'get me a boyfriend asap PLEASE!'. Klo dulu gw yg slalu nanya gitu k hampir smua tmn2 gw,skrg klo gw ktm anak2 lg yg ada malah mereka nanya:
"kapan lu maw pny pacar vi?"
"mana cowo lu?Cari napa.."
"betah amat c lu sndran?Mu gw crin cowo kaga?"
ato yg paling parah,
"kapan lu nikah?"
busyet dah kepikiran punya pacar aj kaga ditanya nikah.Tarik napas dah!Haihz.

Trus knapa y gw jadi gini skrg?Ga kepikiran nyari cowo.Jd dingin,jd super santai soal yg gtu2an.Entah sejak kapan gw memutuskan that im waiting but i aint searching,ill jz gonna sit here n open my heart,see who's cming n melt my heart.Haha. Selfish i know but i think i give up searching already.There's gotta be something 4 my soul smewhere i believe.

so meanwhile hampir sbagian tmn2 baik gw dah punya pasangan tetap n mulai merancang k arah pernikahan,atau sbagian lagi sedang bergulat ma permasalahan relationship yg udh smp titik pelik n struggling 2 get over it with best decision,atau sbagian kecil lagi yg bahkan udh nikah n beranjak k mikirin anak,gw masih disini2 aj,single n happy n not even think about it.Haha.It's not that having sme1 beside me is not an important thing,but i feel that it's not really a top priority 4 this moment.I hav people around me n tho it wont b enuff at 1 time but it's fine 4 me now.I hav other things in my head which shud cme 1st n boyfriend or marriage is jz smewhere on my priority list.

gw cuma berharap,Tuhan,smoga gw berubah kyk skrg ini krn emang gw udah sedikit lebih dewasa dan bukanny karena gw ga percaya lagi sama yg namany cinta sejati.Coz 2 b honest,a non-earning love is not a love 4 me now.Hahaha u may call me materialistic but im jz trying 2 be realistic!U cant buy me love but u can definitely get some 4 sometime..Hahaha crazy thought i know!!But thats life man,it's a bitch n it's bitchi-ing u..

Gw tau pada 1titik gw bkl brubah lg,gw bkl percaya lg n 'jatuh' bwt si cinta sejati,gw bkl ngalahin ego gw demi dia,berkorban demi dia dan bahkan jadi bodoh buta dan ga bisa dibilangin demi dia jg.Karena kata org itu wajah cinta sejati yang bisa bikin org ngelakuin apa aj bahkan mati atas nama cinta!Urm,bwt saat ini si wajah cinta sejati nampak seperti wajah org idiot yg mau aj dibodoh2in padahal dia tau itu ga bener.Tp hey!Ini gw skrg,entah bkl gmn gw suatu saat nanti.Entah kpn gw ketemu that true love tp gw cm berharap saat ketemu nanti,semoga gw ga jd org gila yg rela jd org bodoh,dan semoga gw ketemu org yg gakan bikin gw jd org gila gtu tp bikin gw jd jauh lbh baik!Amin!Krn bukanny cinta itu hrsny mengisi dengan lbh baik dan sempurna?Cih!Huhuhu

love comes 2 those who believe it...D thing is do i believe it?!?Haihz...

When's my romantic line will come?

2008-11-11T02:40:00.000-08:00

"Last Holiday"

that's d last movie i watched this afternoon.I forgot how many times ive been watching it.I think it's about 4 or 5 times already.I jz never get bored and everytime i watched it,i feel touched always.Yeap,1st coz it's queen latifah's muvi n 2nd coz i just LOVE d whole story 4m beginning till end specially d last scene when sean says his very deeply romantic line 2 georgia: "georgia,i dont care how much time left in this world,5minutes or 50years,i just wanna spend every second of it 2 with u,for the rest of my life" (i cant remember precisely!That's more or less of it :p) oh my gosh!That's so freakin sweet man..I wud love 2 b georgia so much!Huhu

now i wonder,when will my dearest guy come n say those kind of line 4 me?!?
Fufufu

Minggu kehilangan..

2008-11-11T02:12:00.001-08:00

Hmm....
minggu ini bnyk bgt kbr ttg org2 yg 'pergi'..Ad yg deeply sad,ad yg mlh jd question mark,ad yg mlh bkn kesel..

2 hr yg lalu,d tengah mlm buta tepat jm 12.16 mona nelpon gw.I thought she jz cudnt sleep bt then when i picked up the phone she's quietly said: "vi,rnd meninggal!". gw shock dunx!Tp trnyt itu blm sbrp krn mona nglanjutin kalimatny dengan: "rnd bunuh diri vi!!"
n so,gw speechless..
i mean wat d hell man?Mati?Bunuh diri?Ga ad crt laen apa yg bs gw dgr d tgh mlm buta diantara tdr gw itu..Sumpah!Gw langsung freak aj dunx!Krn rabu kmrn dia msh sms gw,as usual ngomel2 gtu..Dan krn gw emang lg super sibuk n lg ada gawean jd ga ada wkt bwt ngeladenin another old time storiesny dia.And when he's dead that of course brings me a bit guilty feeling....Udh super freak sgl mcm trus tauny bsk soreny,mona nlp gw lg dunx,dia blg ktny it was just a bloody bullshit!!Dia blg rnd made up all his suicidal dead story by himself then he spread it out...
yg pertamany gw freak out,feeling guilty sgl mcm brubah jd super Pissed off!!Wtf man!
knp c dia hrs bkn ulah kyk gtu?That's too much dude!Klo tmn2 loe yg iseng bkn gosip loe meninggal gr2 skt ato accident watever bwt iseng,gw dah bbrp kali kena kyk gtu n it was forgiveable!Tp klo loe ngarang loe mati n matiny bunuh diri,bwt gw itu PSYCHO!Bwt apa cb?Udh ga lucu iseng2 kyk gtu..Yg ad smua org akhirny males ma loe,akhirny marah..Dan gw pun akhirny ngrasa wasting time n energy smp gw sompral sndr knp c crt td ga bnrn aj?Biar tau!!Bt..
norak bgt dah!Dan ini brita kilangan mgu ini yg bikin marah..*%$&*#!!!!

crita kehilangan yg mlh jd question mark tuh wkt td mlm gw smsan ma emon..
Me: "lg dmn kmu?Freak nh brtny rnd!Tp mlh bkn bt akhirny..Norak bgt dah!Sue!"
emon: "lg d rmh,gy nunggu kbr dr tmn ktny nenekny kritis..Kmu dah confirm britany boong?Dtgin aj rame2.."
me: "kmu mu nyusulin dia?Emg skt apa?Udh confirm,klo trnyt emg bnrn y syukur d"
emon: "kykny c gtu,ga taw jg skt apa dia cm blg kritis doang..Tlplah k rmhny biar pst,udh nyumpah2in tawny ga gtu kn ga enak"
me: "emg syapa c?Tmn kmps?Ce?Co?Drawat dmn?Dah mlm gini kmu mu pegi jm brp?Bodo!Biar skalian d.."
emon: "d kebonjati,iya tmn kmps tp dah lulus gtu,ntr jm10an kykny ksana..Yawdahlah ga ush kmu pikirin lg,tdr gih dah mlm.."

abs itu gw mls aj bls lg abis jd mikir,syapa c tmnny ni org?Curiga cewe dah krn dia ga jwb pas takhir..Blm lg yg skt kan nenekny,niat amat smp nengokin sgl mlm2..Hmm.......

ni yg tragis..Wkt td ngbrl2 ma nie,dia crt soal tmnny yg skrg lg d rs.Dia blg tmnny tuh skg sktny smp nularin k bayiny n d baby died yesterday.Waktu gw dgr crtny dia sumpah y gw miris bgt!Dia cerita tmnny ni kuruuuuss bgt smp timbanganny aja cuma 35kg n she has a baby!!Isnt that creepy..Gw jd ngebayangin klo gw sakit2an n gara2 itu gw jd nularin sakit gw k baby gw.Dah gtu akhirny baby gw meninggal.Tuhan!Gw rasa gw bakal totally devastated.Udah sakit,hrs terus drawat d rs,bayi gw jd akhirny meninggal n duit makin abis...I dont think i can handle that..Kehilangan diri gw sndr mite not b as hard as loosing seseorang yg notabene darah daging gw sendiri...
sumpah miris bgt ngedengerny... :(

minggu ni tuh minggu kehilangan,yg bikin gw bertanya ke diri gw sendiri,kemana rasa kehilangan yg dulu gw punya bnyk?Kykny smuany udah menguap ma rasa sakit gw..
hhh,entah gimana crny klo ntar gw hrs ngadepin another tragic moment..

hope ill be strong enough...

An ending time..

2008-11-10T21:34:00.000-08:00

I think it's about time 2 give up on d story n let eyereen n shyila decided how wud they hav their ending..

This is my final with no ending..

n im starting my new 1
my own story!

.Vee

Thanks to the beautiful morning.

2008-07-09T06:34:00.000-07:00

Pagi ini hujan turun. Setelah berminggu-minggu panas memeluk bumi. Jam 6 pagi. Saat mimpi buruk tadi malam membangunkan aku dari kelelapan tidur. Beranjak ke jendela, aku mencium bau tanah basah. I don’t know why but I always love the smell of the first drop of rain. So I open the window. Menyadari titik embun yg menempel dari nafas hangatku. Hujan turun deras,namun tak cukup deras untuk menghanyutkan mimpi buruk tadi.

Hari apa ini?

Aku lupa. Hari Nampak mengabur di depan mata. Entah kenapa hari,tanggal,jam,menit bahkan detik Nampak tak berarti akhir-akhir ini. Mungkin karena aku yang tak ingin mengingat berapa banyak waktu yang sudah kuhabiskan bersama eyereen. Mungkin karena aku tak mau menghitung, tak mau tahu sudah berapa lama eyereen bersamaku.

Ya,aku tak mau tahu. Aku hanya ingin tahu bahwa dia masih bersamaku. Aku hanya ingin tahu bahwa dia masih ada untuk memelukku, untuk menggenggam tanganku, atau hanya sekedar untuk menatapku lembut saat aku bercerita.

"I just saw you
Beyond the course of time
A room that we once shared
But my memory's a haze
Forgetting what was said

I gently held out my hand
And in that perfect moment
You disappeared - I lost you over again"

Lagu ini…

Sesaat aku melayang,membayangkan diriku di tempat lain. Di jalan itu, beberapa waktu lalu. Saat itu hujan turun pula dan bau tanah basah menemaniku melangkahi trotoar basah. Jaket putih eyereen menempel hangat di tubuhku. Aku mendapati pikiranku melayang, pada eyereen, pada senyumnya yang selalu meliputiku. Hujan masih turun dari atas, namun rintikannya tak membuatku berhenti. Jalanan itu ramai, masih pagi namun there’s been so many people standing and walking on the street. They’re waiting for something or someone, I don’t know. Or else they’re heading somewhere. Entah kemana aku ingin pergi, kesunyian melenyapkanku, sesaat aku merasa masih sendiri, berjalan di tengah tatapan orang yang terasa nanar. Aku tak bisa melihat siapa atau berapa banyak pasang mata yang menatapku.

"In a shallow sleep I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake "

Im still walking, and I get eyereen in my sight. Why is he standing there?im clueless,but then,He’s fading away, I try to chase him. I don’t want to lose him but the distance between us seems to get further by second. I run and run. I don’t care how my breath torturing me, I don’t care how people’s look disgracing me, I don’t care, I just don’t want to lose any sight of eyereen. He’s still there, standing between the drop of morning dew, I cant see clearly what he’s wearing.

Eyereen, aku tak bisa berlari lagi, tubuhku oleng, nafasku setengah terhela, rasanya sudah seperti akan habis saja.

Eyereen, aku berusaha menatapnya, namun bayangannya mengabur, ia makin jauh. Dadaku makin sesak, bukan karena lelah tapi karena dorongan air mata yang akan jatuh. Tubuhku bergetar, mataku terasa panas, sesaat kukira aku akan terjatuh ke tanah yang keras, namun tubuhku terasa seperti melayang pelan. Aku tak melihat lagi jalanan itu, orang-orang itu,

"I just saw you
A moment far too brief
Before the daylight came
But my heart is beating fast
Perhaps we'll meet again

In a shallow sleep I dreamt I was seeing you
Just how I remembered
Brimming with tenderness
And somewhere in the calm
A feeling that nothing had ever changed
Your presence close beside me till I wake

I see you - until I wake from shallow sleep "

eyereen…. Mataku tertutup pelan, diantara nafas yang mulai memelan dan menghilang.

This smell..i can sense this smell clearly, I know this smell, very much. Kubuka mataku,dan,

oh Tuhan. Wajah itu, melayang diatasku, tersenyum,sangat dekat. Bisa kurasakan helaan nafasnya di depan wajahku. Bisa kudengar detak jantungnya dekat dadaku. Eyereen…

Aku berusaha memanggil namanya, namun tak ada suara yg keluar. Aku hanya bisa diam,I cant even smile. Eyereen, what’s happening here? Why I cant touch you?. Dan seakan bisa membaca pikiranku, eyereen tersenyum lebih dalam, ia makin mendekat, kini wajahnya hanya beberapa cm di depanku. Tangannya menyentuhku, namun tak kurasakan kekuatannya, hanya kehangatan yang melelehkan.

Lalu tiba-tiba saja setelah kehangatan itu memenuhi seluruh aliran darahku, bayangan eyereen mulai menjauh. What the hell is happening here?

Eyereen… mataku mulai berontak, aku ingin menangis,namun tak satupun air mata yang menetes. Ia makin menjauh, senyumnya memudar. Ingin rasanya aku berteriak dan memanggil namanya keras-keras. namun tubuhku terkunci, tak bs bergerak, tak bisa menangis, tak bisa berbuat apa-apa. this is the worst part of everything!.

Where’s this? What’s happening? Where r u going eyereen? Why r u leaving me?

Eyereen, please, don’t go, don’t leave me rotten here alone,please… I cant breath, I cant see now, suddenly all turns black and disappearing and……

I collapsed.

" An artist without a brush
Can't paint upon the canvas
Without you here - there is no colour
A colourless landscape"

Mimpi. Mimpi yang sangat buruk.

Im here now, sitting by the window, looking at the glance of rain. Safe and warm in my own room. Syukurlah bayangan tadi hanya mimpi. Tak perduli betapa sulitnya untuk bangun dan betapa sulitnya untuk melihat kembali kenyataan, selama itu hanya mimpi, aku akan baik-baik saja. Karena eyereen masih disini, masih disampingku. And that’s just enough.

Tubuhku masih terasa sakit dan berat, kepalaku pun terasa sedikit berputar, dadaku masih sesak. Namun tadi hanya mimpi dan aku bersyukur karenanya. Yang kuperlukan hanya untuk tahu, bahwa eyereen tak meninggalkanku seperti mimpi tadi, bahwa masih ada dia di sebrang sana, masih ada hujan yang mendamaikan disini, dengan coklat panas ditanganku, jaket eyereen di tubuhku dan kenyataan bahwa semuanya masih baik2 saja. And I know ill be just fine.

hmm..

it's about time to wake up. si mungil handphone tercintaku berbunyi. sms.

'morning dear,how's ur sleep?

i had this weird nightmare,i think u

had too,ya?anyway,wakey2 n hav a

beautiful rainy morning,i luv u,for today

n everyday :)'

sms itu,dan aku tahu hari ini akan baik-baik saja,tak perduli seberapa parah mimpi tadi malam,that's just a dream and now, i have my rainy guy and rainy spirit to get through the day with my shallow sleep song as my soundtrack of the day,

i might have the shalowest sleep ever,but thanks to eyereen,my beautiful morning boi....

i had my morning just absolutely great.

10 songs i love about you

2008-07-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

10 songs I love about you.

1. who do u think you see when you look at me?
Is it somebody strong?

Somebody you could admire?

And who do u think I am when I hold ur hand?

Are u counting on me to fill your dreams and your desires?

Coz all I am is lonely like u

All I wanna do is have 1 dream come true

All I am is handling you my heart

And hoping to be part of you….

-all I am-

2. I think I’ve already lost you

I think you’ve already gone

I think im finally scared now

And you think im weak but I think you’re wrong

And I think you're so mean - I think we should try

I think I could need - this in my life

And I think I'm scared - I think too much

I know this is wrong it's a problem I'm dealing.

If you're gone - maybe it's time to come home

There's an awful lot of breathing room

But I can hardly move

If you're gone - baby I need you to come home

There's a little bit of something me

In everything in you.

-if you’re gone-

3. I remember in the day being oh so independent

I remember how I'd say I could never fall I was cynical

Funny now in the day

Since you came into my life

Now I'll never be the same

Baby I'm amazed by the love you gave

Finally I can see

What a life really means to me, to me babe

All I need is you in my life forever

All I need is you everyday by my side

Got to let you know you're the one that I treasure

I can search the world but never find

A better love that is between you and I

All I need is you

- all I need is you -

4. dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, kuinginkan

dia oh dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

dia seperti apa yang selalu kunantikan, akuinginkan

dia melihatku apa adanya seakan ku sempurna

dia bukakan pintu hatiku yang lama tak bisa

percayakan cinta hingga dia disni

memberi cinta ku harapan

- dia -

5. Terima kasih cinta

untuk segalanya

kau berikan lagi

kesempatan itu

tak akan terulang lagi

semua... kesalahanku

yang pernah menyakitimu

Tanpamu, tiada berarti

tak mampu lagi berdiri

cahaya kasihmu, menuntunku

kembali dalam dekap tanganmu

- terima kasih cinta –

6. Ku akan menjagamu

Di bangun dan tidurmu

Di semua mimpi dan nyatamu

Ku akan menjagamu

Tuk hidup dan matiku

Tak ingin, tak ingin kau rapuh

- dik -

7. kau begitu sempurna

Di mataku kau begitu indah

Kau membuat diriku akan slalu memujamu

janganlah kau tinggalkan diriku

Takkan mampu menghadapi semua

Hanya bersamamu ku akan bisa

Kau adalah darahku

Kau adalah jantungku

Kau adalah hidupku lengkapi diriku

Oh sayangku kau begitu

Sempurna

-sempurna –

8. I Think Of You In Everything That I Do

to Be With You What Ever It Takes I'll Do

cause You My Love, You All My Heart Desires

you've Lighten Up My Life Forever I'm Alive

since I Found You My World Seems So Brand New

you've Show Me The Love I Never Knew

your Presence Is What My Whole Life Through

since I Found You My Life Begin So New

now Who Needs A Dream When There Is You

for All Of My Dreams Came True

since I Found You

-since I found you -

9. Jangan pergi, bersamaku di sini

Menemani hari sepiku

Takkan lagi buka lembaran lalu

Kan mengusik luka lama

Jangan pergi dariku, tinggalkanku

Bawa daku kemana kau pergi

Jangan lari dariku

Jangan tepis rinduku

Ku tak bisa berpaling darimu

Semuanya telah untukmu

-jangan pergi-

10. we started out as friends

It is funny how from simple things

The best things begin

This time is different

It is all because of you

It is better than it has ever been

I finally found someone

Someone to share my life

I finally found the one

To be with every night

Because whatever I do

It is just got to be you

My life has just begun

I finally found someone

- I finally found someone –

…………………………………………………….it starts with me ends on you.

an unblue note

2008-07-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

‘ribuan hari aku menunggumu

Jutaan waktu tercipta untukmu

Cobalah aku kapan engkau mau..

Taukah lagu yang kau suka

Taukah bintang yang kau sapa

Taukah rumah yang kau tuju,

ITU AKU….’

Ps: now u do know that it’s me and i ain't blue-ing u,don’t u?

a blue note that aint blue

2008-07-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Shyila,
Ive decided.
I quit.
For good.
I don’t wanna be gay anymore,I wanna be cured.
I want to have a normal life like most people.

Im freakin tired,
Now I realized how exhausted I can be being stuck in the middle of two people I love most.
But im more tired seeing you hurted in your place when I should be the one who get all the pain. With you and with him,none is going to work out.

So I have to choose,
And I made my choice.
I quit on him and I will start a new one with you.
Only with you shyila,

Coz I found out,
Ive hurted u so much I couldn’t give u more than myself.

I finally hurted myself.
I didn’t get my happiness with him. Maybe it was because my selfishness or his too sky-scraping pride. Or maybe it was just because he and I didn’t meant for each other. Well,u couldn’t really ask much from a gayish teen relationship like that,could u? that,too,only if I still can be considered as teen.
Shit,now I realized im way older than my age I thought. I should have been mature by this age and yet here I am,acting like a teenager with their stupid love stories,hurting the person I should be protecting instead of being protected by her.

How ashamed I am!

Now I feel really bad,not because of my broken heart,but because I know how late I am to actually love you the way I should from the very first time I met you.

Im sorry shyila,
But I can assure you now that I will prove all my words ive said to you before,when I asked you to wait till this moment came.
And the moment has come.

Would u walk beside me now?
Would u hold my hand all the time?
Would u trust ur heart on me,shyila?

Ive chosen,
And I chose u…

.eyereen.

Ps:I know u love blue,that’s why I use blue for this note.i hope the answer,wont make me feeling blue. Note me back. :)

a wishful wishes

2008-07-08T07:47:00.000-07:00

God,
I know ive been asking too much from you.
I know ive been sinful and bad.
I know I shouldn’t ask u more,

But just for this time,
Will u granted my 1 wish?

God,please let me and eyereen have this moment for long,
Please keep him attached to me,
And please,
Please, make him love me the way he should’ve been back then..

Ill do everything,
And ill commit myself more to u just to grant these wishes.

Amin.

Guess that aint really A wish I made..

060608

2008-07-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

Oh my god,this must have been the happiest day in my life.

Eyereen’s broke up with his boyfriend.

He’s finally ends that love.

The love that should have been mine long time ago.

And he said he wanted to start all over again with me.

Eyereen wants to stop being gay.

Thanks God.

I couldn’t show how happy I am and excited and everything now.

Oh my God,this must have been the happiest day in my life.

Im so happy,have I said im happy?

Guess ive said that too many times by now.

Im happy. So happy.

Hahahaha

U know what?

Now I know why people love to laugh when they’re happy,

Coz it brings all the good things to the surface,

So they don’t have to tell others that their happy.

It’s shown in their faces and that’s just enough to show how happy they are.

Now I know how beautiful the world can be,

How blue the sky is,

And how sweet the smell of a chocolate…

And that’s all just because 1 good news from eyereen.

He’s quitting his gay state and ended his relationship.

Eyereen wants to have a fresh new start with me.

Oh my god.

It feels like I could see my own smile smiling back at me.

Gosh,

I cant stop smilling.

Eyereen,

Now I can say with all my heart,

Screaming with all my strength,

I LOVE YOUUUU!!!!!!!

*%$#^%$@#$#^

2008-06-13T20:48:00.000-07:00

im at the intersection of my heart,

which way should i go?
to the way there were you and me only in the dream,
to the way there were you and him without me coz im quitting my step,
to the way there were you, me, and him with nothing to hope,just to live,
or
to the way i should let you happy although it's wrong by actually letting you go?

people telling me i should be ready with whatever will happen in front,
they tell me that i should prepare myself for the worst,
they tell me to be happy,
but how can i be happy if i have to let you go?

you yourself tell me that you wanna be normal again,
but where's the effort?
how come i couldnt see it at all?
i cant let you go,
just like u cant let me go,can you?

eyereen,can you stop being a gay??

20 things i know about you..

2008-06-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

the eyereen i know was someone:
- who has dreams up so high and always believe that 1 day he'll get it all.

- whose fully dedicated in whatever he's doing at the moment.

- who cares a lot bout his surrounding people.

- whose a hardworker to be a great achiever.

- who always tried so hard to make his family proud.

- whose people admired for everything i've mention above and for his silent charm behind his very craziest things he could do and only God knows what and why.

- whom i love to watch everytime he do his prayer before eating.

- whose hug so warm that i miss a lot.

- who smell so nice i could sense from miles away.

- whose a real wreckless driver but still insisted to drive my car
even scratch it when we go out together.

- who knows how to hold my hand right.

- whose lame on putting an end to our fight but nonetheless makes me forgive him always.

- whose so lazy to change his old messed up phone to a new 1.

- who never know how to clean up his room and always counting me on washing the dishes.

- who always makes me worried coz sometimes he likes to forget letting me know how's he doing in a different part of the world.

- whose make me willing to sacrifice more than i thought i could do.

- whom i know i don't wanna be apart from,since the day i met him though there's that he at his other part of heart.

but the eyereen i know now is someone:

- who seems to loose track from his dreams and dedication with all the hardwork he always do before.

- whose people don't seem to know much anymore though i always know everything of him always.

- but no matter what, he will always be a person i give my whole heart for.

eyereen,tell me,
do u still know u?

Down any road with you…

2008-06-02T11:17:00.000-07:00

Eyereen,

I don’t know how to differentiate between pain and happiness now. I seriously don’t know. I don’t know when im sad or disappointed. Even worse, I don’t know when im glad or happy. Everythings so mixed up and I just don’t know anymore how to handle everything.

Eyereen,everything looks the same for me these days. I smile when im sad and cry when im happy. It’s weird,isn’t it?im both sad and happy for my life. While I could,I’d be willing to be the most miserable girl in this world. But thanks to you I always being portrayed as the happiest girl in this world. They don’t see my pain,they don’t see my tears and thankfully,they don’t see that im just faking it all.

Ive been lying now,for most of my life and to almost everyone. Ive been wearing this mask all the time just to show that everythings allright. Ive put a smile to ensure people you and me are the most perfect couple in this world. Those love songs,those sweet words,those nice picture….are they for real eyereen?

I have been putting all my effort to make this relationship works. to make you to be mine alone. But somehow I couldn’t find any selfish part of me to take you away from him. I feel worse when you cried coz you have a problem with him. I feel the deeper pain when you try to hurt yourself just because he hurt you. When ur mad,I feel even more mad. And when you ‘re sad,you wont believe how sadder I could be for you.

Eyereen,I foolishly love you.

I never regret all that I did. I never feel sorry for myself,I never feel bad. Coz I know eyereen,somehow,u know that I did all this because of you and there’s not even 1 single time where I regret myself for doing whatever ive done for you. I know you know exactly the reason why. i know you can read me,

So, ill know that you always know I love you,don’t you?

Eyereen,i cant let you go..

Not yet…

Ive prepared myself for whatever awaits me and you in front.

Im ready,

to go through any door and to go down any road with you..

Coz eyereen,as u know,

I love you.

A joyful tears,
Shyila.

An eyereen’s letter

2008-06-02T11:09:00.001-07:00

My perfect shyila….

I know u are sick with all those words i've given to you. I know u are sick with the way thing goes at our relationship. I know u are sick hearing another sorry from my lips. But that’s the least I can do to at least trying to lighten up the burden on your shoulder.

I don’t know how u can survive with all of this. Our story, my story with him. I really don’t know. Ive lost ideas on how u can actually still stand there with your smile and comfort for me,waiting with all your prayer that ill come to you with all my heart to love you. To have only you as my lover,just like how you put me in your heart now.

shyila,im sorry,for putting you in this kind of situation. For letting your heart fall for me when I know somehow I couldn’t catch it. Im sorry that you have to know him,another love in my life. Ive seen you being so strong,i've seen you so many times putting away your ego for me.

Remember the time I was having a fight with him? You were the one who begged him to forgive me. You were also the one whose been trying to cheer me up and told me that everything was gonna be ok again between me and him. You were the one who wiped my tears though you knew those tears weren’t for you. How can you be that nice?how can you be that wise?when I know,you’re hurted by everything you tried to do for me n him. I know deep inside of you,I scratch another pain.

I love you.

I know you know I do.

I love you since the first time I saw you. I watched your smile and stunned by it. The purest smile I ever saw. And eversince,I could never let myself not watching your back till you’re gone at the corner,just to make sure you’re really ok,make sure it’s really ok to let you go. I couldn’t get you out of my sight,mind and soul. But u know that I couldn’t lose him too.

I love you shyila,

I really do.

I beg your forgiveness for loving him too.

For hurting you too much.too bad.

I never meant to.

I know it’s a waste to keep saying I love u. I know I don’t have the right to ask you to hang on there for me. Coz I can promise you nothing,I can give you nothing. Not even a simple hope that ill be there for you at the end,to fill your day with happiness and with joys that ive taken away from you all this while. I cant shyila,I don’t wanna make you have an empty hope for me.

Coz this is me.

I love you,but I love him too.

Please don’t have a doubt on how much I love you,coz I do feel what you feel.as much as you do,I love you. But those feelings are taken by him too. Again,im sorry.

Shyila,it’s so hard to let you go,It’s so hard to tell myself to just release you for a better happiness out there. Coz I know,I wouldn’t make it if not because of you. You are 1 reason why im still surviving this world. And you are also the reason why I always try to be a better person everyday.

It’s really hard,almost impossible,to let you go. But I cant just throw away him on another side. I have something with him and I have you at another side. Again and again,im sorry.

Shyila,u don’t know how much I want to see your smile everyday in my life. It’s almost kill me to know that you shed a tear. I always want you to be happy,to have those smiles,to feel those joy and to be by myside while having all of that. But I couldn’t ask for more. I don’t wanna always be the bloody bastard whose so selfish to keep you here when I know you’re unhappy bout it. I don’t wanna see you faking your smile or pretending that everything is a beautiful story when it’s not. I don’t want you to seize another pain dear. I love you.

But sayang,will u just stay there for a little more time?.this is all I can ask u to. To stand there and wait for me for another while,until im sure which way to go and which way to love. I know uve been putting a lot of hope on us. So will u just stick to your hope for a bit more time?

I promise 1 thing,when it’s about time,if it’s pain that you’ll feel at the end,I promise to take it away from you and let myself feel the pain alone as I deserve it. Let me be the painful person and not you. Coz I love you.

Again and always,I love you shyi…

Yours,

Eyereen.

a tale of prince and princess

2008-05-30T23:35:00.000-07:00

.....21:19

eyereen,eyereen....
yes sayang?
why do u call me sayang?
because i love u..
:)
eyereen,eyereen,eyereen...
how do u love calling my name?
i LOVE it!
shyila....
yes?
i like your name...
dont you like the person?
i like the name,i love the person..
eyereen..
?
will we have a happy ending like cinderella and the prince?
like snow white and the prince?
like every story with their prince..
like fiona and prince shrek too?
haha,yeah,like that too..
do u believe our happy ending?
yes.
then we shall have..
and your 'other' lover?
what's with him?
he cant be in our happy ending,can he?
why not?
coz' there's no place for another prince...
do u mind?
coz although there's no more place for him,he'll still be my prince..
so now u r a princess?the cinderella,the snow white and he's your prince?
i should mind,should i?but instead i dunno how to mind bout that..
im not a princess, you are my princess..
should i be happy for that?
only if u want to...
shyila,im sorry..for making u a princess between two..
im never in between,it's you that in the middle..
i am,a prince between a princess and another prince..
eyereen,do u ever want me?
with all my heart i so
but u dont have a full heart for me
just coz i split my feeling for 2 doesnt mean i cant love either of u with all my heart
so u do want me
as bad as i want him
he's a he for god's sake!
do i ever spit out that gender is a problem?
it should be,shouldnt it?
too bad not for me
why?
do u really think there's a concrete reason why some1 love some1?
there should be 1 at least
dear,i dont think so..
i think we dont need a reason to love some1,all we need is feeling and an open heart
that's all..
there's gotta be more than that!
then why do u love me?
why ur asking me why?
yes,coz i dont think there's any good reason for u to love a guy like me.
specially coz' i love a him too..
u said u r half..
what's d different?
it's abney anyway
when u said u r half,i found a hope there,
that maybe somewhen i dunno when ull love me completely
like a guy shud love a girl
just like u love him!
i love u like i love him..
which 1 is deeper?
isnt it clear enuff when i said i've split my heart into 2,
none is deeper,
both of u hav the whole of me..
cant u choose?
i can..
i choose to end this comversation and say goodnite to you..
i love you shyila,nite...

-disconnected-

eyereen,and there goes the love.

santa sing a happy new year early..

2008-05-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

it was somewhere between christmas and new year.
it was when i was still furious with the new guy joleen always have on his head.
joleen's my bestfriend,still and always will.

it was because of joleen i knew you.
my eyereen now.
i still remembered how fascinated joleen was,
everytime he talks bout you.
i still remembered how his eyes would sparks,
when he said he has a new bestfriend.
someone whose smart,outgoing,super duper nice n click with him.
i should have been jealous of you.
you, out of nowhere could make joleen,someone i've known for years ever,got really exciting of his life.
but instead,as a good friend,
i was getting his excitement too.
i couldn't wait to actually meet you.
i was really curious of how good you were.
what kind of person are you can make my good friend here almost like flying so high above the sky. how good can you be as a friend?

it was somewhere between christmas and new year.
it was somewhere at night where cinderella has to rush back home.
it was a time where i never expected,ever, to meet someone who can make me feel as if i've met the one.
it was a time where i meet you.
and it was a time,i knew i'd fall and flew high at the same time.
it was the time a shyila meet an eyereen,
my eyereen now.

i couldn't remember how i acted that night.
i couldn't remember my expression.
must be really twirl up.
i couldn't even remember how it went.
but i do remember EVERYTHING.
i remember your brown jacket and white shirt beneath it.
i remember the smell of your perfume that hit me low.
i remember your smile.
joleen's smile as well.

i remember the way you shake my hand,
i remember the way you hold your cigarette,
i remember your smile.
it took every breath to keep it in my heart since that time.

i remember every way you treat me.
i remember the movie,the food,the road and the sky.
i remember your smile.
it somehow stuck in every bite of my memory capacity.

eyereen,you took me away that night.
far far a way to a land where all i know is,
your smile,your smell,your voice and your everything.

see?i knew it was you since that time.
i always know eyereen,
that you are for me,
to make me feel right,
to make me feel loved,

people say you just know how to treat girls right so that they all fall for you,but that's not why i fall for you.not why i love you.

it's because the way you make me feel like fully complete,
i love you not because who you are,
but because who i become when im with you.
the shyila i ever wanted all this time.

i love you because of me,
and i love me because of you.

eyereen,i love you..
been saying this too many times already

it was somewhere between christmas and new year,
i met you,i fell for you,and i totally into you.
now you're mine,
i'm yours,
he's yours too.

it was somewhere between christmas and new year,
i havent quit,not just yet.

eyereen,
till another time between christmas and new year..

a wake up song

2008-05-30T00:02:00.000-07:00

.manusia bodoh-ada band.

Dahulu terasa indah
Tak ingin lupakan
Bermesraan selalu jadi Satu kenangan manis

Tiada yang salah
Hanya aku manusia bodoh
Yang biarkan semua ini permainkanku
Berulang ulang kali

Reff :
Mencoba bertahan sekuat hati
Layaknya karang yang dihempas sang ombak
Jalani hidup dalam buai belaka
Serahkan cinta tulus di dalam takdir

Tak ayal tingkah lakumu
Buatku putus asa
Kadang akal sehat ini
Tak cukup membendungnya

Hanya kepedihan
Yang selalu datang menertawakanku
kau belahan jiwa
Tega menari indah di atas tangisanku

Bridge :
Semua kisah pasti ada akhir
Yang harus dilalui
Begitu juga akhir kisah ini
Yakinku indah

Tapi sampai kapankah kuharus
Menanggungnya kutukan cinta ini
Bersemayam dalam kalbu

eyereen,
until when should i stand with all this?
im a strong girl yet im not.
i love you,you love him.
i never know when will my crashing time come and take me down.
eyereen,
saya manusia bodoh,
saya membiarkan kamu menorehkan pedih itu.
pedih yang membuat saya tersenyum,
pedih yang membuat saya bahagia,
pedih yang membuat saya bertanya,apa arti semua kebahagiaan saya,
kalau masih ada dia,
kenapa saya masih bertahan?kenapa kamu minta saya tetap bertahan?
padahal kamu selalu bilang,
ga pernah ada harapan nyata untuk saya.
hanya kata cinta.
bahwa kamu juga sayang sama saya.
dan saya percaya.

sampai kapan?
pertanyaan yang membuat saya bertanya kenapa saya masih bertanya.

eyereen,
shyi love you.
but you also love him.

hanya aku manusia bodoh....

the 12 o'clock prince

2008-05-29T22:39:00.000-07:00

a 12 o'clock prince on the birthday day.

somewhere that night.
you've been avoiding me for weeks.
last time you called me,you said,
you couldn't make it for the birthday.
the birthday that just 1 day before yours.
weird,huh?
i keep asking myself why this rare things happen to me and you.

last time you called me,
you said you were going away for a while.
you were going to celebrate your birthday in your hometown,
with family n friends there.
owh,so im not a family nor a friends anymore to you?!

i kept asking myself. should i believe it?
i hardly believe your words,if only your mother didn't assure it to me through the phone that you were going home,i wouldn't have believed it. my inner voice kept trembling.
didnt you remember your promises?
that you were going to come
that you were going to be there at 12o'clock at night on my birthday.
that you were going to bring 20 roses equal to my age.
that you were also going to bring cheesecake for me.
have you forgotten it?

didn't you know how much i questioned myself enough just to know the answer,that i wished you would be there?

i lost all my energy somehow that week.
it was getting closer to my birthday,and you were still missing.
u didn't answer my messages,and
i have already exhausted for calling you with no answer.
my mood was destroyed.
that whole week i'd rather not facing people and be gone too.
but i somehow managed to survive.
how did i do that?
me wondering too..

and there you go another news.
all my best friends couldn't make it too for the birthday,
my family would be out of town,
and thanks to those going to classes obligation,
i'd be stuck in my house,alone with my own misery.
FINE.
no friends,no lovers,no family,and worse,i wish there wouldn't even be a birthday.

i called aimee,
aimee wasnt there.
she was busy.
instead of her, larry was calling.
he said he needed a place to stay for 1 night.
larry?yeap,larry..
your beloved little pet brother whose hardly mature and quite to be told to sit down for 5 minutes.
yes,that larry.
and yes,he was calling.

i know i sounded so desperate,
and lousy.
but i hav to admit that i did wish that he came just because you sent him to me as a distraction for your surprise.
but hey,was it too much for the wishes?

so i let him stayed for a night,with conditions,
no knocking on my door at 12,
no singing or
not even a cake for me.

i'm at my miserable point
and i liked to keep it that way.
plus,the next day (which was also your birthday),
i have some notes to study for presentation.
so that night i've decided to be as miserable as i could
and thrown myself into those notes,
just passed by that 12o'clock silently by actually slept early.
now ur talking bout desperate

did i do anything wrong?
nope,i didn't think so.
so that night,
larry was there,
i was there, studying in my room trying to get rid those thought of u came with flowers n cake.

geez,,eyereen..i missed you.for real.

a 12o'clock prince.
haha
yes, you were 1 of those.
you came, you bring red rose flower n the cheesecake.
you hide, you waited till the midnight bell rang.
then you surprised me at my door.
i've slept.i've gone with my dream.
but when there was a knock,i couldn't stand to not be awake.
i knew it wouldn't be larry
i knew it'd be you.
and im right.

u were standing there,
rose on your left n cheesecake on your right hand.
there weren't be 20 flowers but i didn't care anymore.
i knew it'd be you.
i never wrong. not when it comes to you.
u smiled,do u know how sweet it was?
it was sweeter than even mark westlife could afford it

"surprise surprise darling.."

and i didn't need any other things in this world to be literally real that time.
eyereen,
you made me cry,
you made me smile while crying,
you made me cry n smiled at ur hug.

eyereen....
i wish i could show you how grateful i was.
i wish i could tell you how thanked i was.
that you were there,you weren't lying,you proved yourself your promises.

now i'm here,writing this thing,
i know i'm being mellow,
but eyereen,
you are my 1st 12o'clock prince,
and you will always be the only 1.
even when everything's not there anymore.

eyereen,i love you,
do you?

my 12o'clock prince ever,eyereen.

note to self!

2008-05-28T02:19:00.000-07:00

i love him,
he loves him.
im waiting,he still loves him.
im praying but he still loves him.
im begging..geez,there's still him that he loves.

im blind deaf dumb.
and worse,he still loves him.

note to self:saying *#@% wont change anything,he still loves him.

my first 1..

2008-05-28T02:11:00.000-07:00

i wrote this blog for my lovers..

i wrote all this coz of him,bout him,
i love my lovers,

eyereen is now my lover,
i love eyereen,but,
eyereen loves him too..

eyereen is a gay.

no,
a bipolar.
he said he loves me
he said he loves him too.

today is the day
i met him,i kiss him n i say goodbye to him.
he's leaving for hols.
he's going with him.

eyereen is a gay,
i love him!
he loves him!

eyereen,i miss u!

.shyi